Your Husband Does Have a Need for Emotional Intimacy!

Wives, I’m sure you’re well aware by now of your husband’s need for sexual connection. He needs sexual release as you need emotional release. This is why he loves the act of sex in and of itself. It is a pleasurable act that brings him satisfaction. As a woman, you may feel that the two of you need to feel and be close in order to make a sexual connection; but for him, there is no emotional requirement for sex. He’s ready to go now!

But this does not mean the man does not need emotional connection, nor am I claiming that the woman has no need for sexual connection. Husbands and wives both need emotional and sexual connection. The amount varies with each, but both are needed.

That said, most wives need to feel emotionally connected before they can pursue a sexual connection. That, in part, is why she wishes to talk heart to heart with her husband, because this best enables her to later connect sexually with him. Notice the sequence: Before she can make the sexual connection, she needs to make the emotional connection.

On the other side, though men need emotional connection as well, that comes after sexual connection. His sequence is reversed: Before he can make the emotional connection, he needs to make the sexual connection. 

Case in point, years ago a wife shared with me that she and her husband were constantly on the Crazy Cycle, oftentimes centered around sexual and emotional connection. She would not respond to him sexually until he responded to her emotionally, and neither one of them would budge. After encouraging her to be the mature one and move first, sexually, she agreed and then later reported back to me, “When we lay there in bed afterward, I couldn’t get him to shut up!”

This pink and blue difference involving their needs for both sexual and emotional connection is not true for all, but it is prevalent enough to be important for a husband and wife to address. Given that a couple aligns with this, the husband needs to recognize his wife’s need for emotional intimacy. Instead of the husband becoming hurt and accusing his wife with, "You don't want sex," he can better understand that God hardwired her to connect heart to heart first in order to connect body to body. She isn't frigid. She does want sex, just not first and apart from heart-to-heart, face-to-face connection that feels loving to her.

But this also affirms a husband's need for emotional intimacy, and every woman needs to recognize this. Instead of the wife feeling her husband only wants her for sex and claiming to him, "You have no feelings, never want to talk, and don't love me," she can better understand that God hardwired him to connect body to body first in order to free him up emotionally to talk heart to heart. He isn't uncaring. As with her, there is a sequence. When she honors his need for sexual release, which is a biological buildup in him as it will be with her sons, it frees him up to release what he is feeling.

So who moves first? I’ll repeat here what I told the wife years ago: the mature one.

And, let me add a nuance here. When a wife is feeling loved, she can very well want sex apart from talking. The other side is also true, which is the real kicker. When a husband is feeling respected, he can very well want to talk apart from sex! Let me repeat this last point: when a man is feeling respected, he can very well want to talk apart from sex. 

But when the talk always revolves around her feelings, that she feels unloved because he has hurt her feelings, he tends to avoid that talk. She then concludes he doesn't care. But that isn’t the case. No, he doesn't care to be told that he is unloving. But when she introduces what I refer to as Respect Talk, he will engage her more on various topics, not even thinking about sex (and will be more open to hearing how he has hurt her feelings).

Respect Talk is based on the acronym C.H.A.I.R.S., from my book Love & Respect. These are the six ways a wife can spell respect to her husband. What I have found, and for over twenty years readers have tried themselves and proven true, is that when a wife engages in conversations with her husband based on these six desires of his, she touches her husband at the core of who he is as a man, and he responds to her in love, fulfilling her need for emotional intimacy. And most often, this eventually leads to them fulfilling their respective needs for sexual intimacy.

When a wife uses C.H.A.I.R.S. to engage in Respect Talk with her husband, she:

• Talks about his desire to work and achieve (Conquest)
• Talks about his desire to provide and protect (Hierarchy)
• Talks about his desire to be strong and to lead (Authority)
• Talks about his desire to analyze and counsel (Insight)
• Talks about his desire for a shoulder-to-shoulder friendship (Relationship)
• Talk about his desire for sexual intimacy (Sexuality)

Ladies, your husband’s road to emotional intimacy probably doesn’t look like yours. The road may include a first stop at sexual connection, but not always. But it almost definitely requires Respect Talk, where you engage in the desires of his heart. Before accusing your husband of only wanting you for sex, or of never wanting to talk, try engaging with him using Respect Talk. I believe both of you will find your needs for sexual and emotional connection being fulfilled!