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What is The Love and Respect System? Part II [Video]

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Did you miss Part I of this three-part series? I recommend checking it out HERE first, and then moving on to Part II below. This week, I’m giving you an overview of the Love and Respect system. In this series, you’ll learn about the three cycles, the basic principles of Love and Respect and how applying them can improve your marriage.

In Part I, I showed you the Crazy Cycle: without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love. It gets crazy! Please review Part I if you have not, yet.

How do we jump off the Crazy Cycle?

We jump onto the second cycle, which is the Energizing Cycle!




The Energizing Cycle triggers and fuels itself. When a wife feels loved, she tends to respond in ways that feel respectful to her husband. When a husband feels respected, he tends to respond in ways that feel loving to his wife. And around and around they go on the Energizing Cycle.

The Energizing Cycle is easy to learn and remember:

Couples are on the Energizing Cycle when they are practicing the Love and Respect principles.

To show their love, husbands live out the principles summed up in the acronym C-O-U-P-L-E, which provides six ways to spell “love” for a wife:

Closeness—Because a husband is to “cleave unto his wife” (Genesis 2:24 KJV), his face-to-face time with her causes her to feel emotionally connected and energized.

OpennessBecause a husband is not to be “harsh” (annoyed and resentful) toward his wife (see Colossians 3:19, NIV), he must counter any tendencies to be withdrawn or preoccupied, making her think he has no intentions of being tender and transparent with her.

UnderstandingBecause a husband is to live with his wife “in an understanding way” (1 Peter 3:7),  he needs to be attentive to her womanly concerns (even though he may not share her interests) because he wants to make her feel understood and cared about.

PeacemakingBecause God said, “The two shall become one flesh” (Matthew 19:5), he needs to seek ways to “be one” with his wife, to always live in peace, which surely includes his apologies for his part in any rift or argument between them.

LoyaltyBecause Scripture says, “She is your companion and your wife by covenant” (Malachi 2:14), it is a good idea to let her know repeatedly of his devotion to her and to God.

EsteemBecause a husband is to grant his wife “honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life” (1 Peter 3:7), it behooves him to express appreciation for her God-given value as his equal.

To show their respect, wives live out the principles summed up in the acronym C-H-A-I-R-S, which provides six ways to spell “respect” for a husband. Simply stated, a wife is to show respect for her husband’s desires related to C-H-A-I-R-S, not for his poor performance in these areas.

ConquestBecause “God took the man and put him into the garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it” (Genesis 2:15), she needs to grasp why and how all men feel obligated and drawn to work.

HierarchyBecause he is called by God to be “the head of his wife, as Christ also is the head of the church” (Ephesians 5:23), her husband needs to hear her gratitude for his willingness to protect, to provide and even die for her.

AuthorityBecause Scripture tells wives to “submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22), she needs to place herself under his protection and provision. When stalemates arise, she needs to let him know she is willing to defer to his decisions, trusting God to guide him.

RelationshipBecause the Bible clearly speaks of how a wife should be her husband’s friend, as well as his lover (see especially Song of Solomon 5:16), she should recognize the value of just being with him.

SexualityBecause a husband should have eyes only for his wife (Proverbs 5:19), a wife blesses her husband when she understands his vulnerabilities and meets his sexual needs (1 Corinthians 7:5).




This is the Energizing Cycle.

Emerson Eggerichs, Ph.D.
Author, Speaker, Pastor

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