What Can I Say to My Spouse When They Treat Me Like a Doormat?

Do you ever reach the point of exhaustion in your relationship, where you feel like you are always being criticized, unappreciated, dumped on and ripped apart—like a doormat? You think you are being taken for granted or are expected to simply agree with whatever your spouse says or does. Your opinions in situations only matter when they reinforce your spouse’s opinion. Otherwise, you are made to feel stupid and useless.

First and foremost, if you are in harm's way get out. Get away from whoever is harming you, or is on the verge of becoming physically abusive toward you. My mom separated from my dad for five years because of his rage issues. So in addressing the spouse who is being treated like a doormat, I am not talking to the person who is in harm's way. You must prioritize your safety. It is vital you seek professional help to ensure your well-being. 

I am also not addressing here those whose experience in feeling like a doormat is an ongoing 24/7 “I have not had a say in anything since the Reagan years” type of situation. For these couples I would also recommend immediate professional counseling from a godly wise third party.

But I believe most of you are married to a person with basic goodwill. And though the two of you have ongoing heated disagreements and are experiencing a cycle of negativity, I also believe you can break free from that cycle by giving voice to the following remarks. The following suggestions are given under the assumption that your spouse is insecure and therefore defensively reacts, which explains most of the challenge. I do not believe they get up early in the morning to plot ways to step on you and treat you like a doormat. Yet, at the end of the day, they say something that flattens you, and you feel walked on. Though they don't have ill will, they lack understanding that you feel the ways I state below. 

By the way, both husband and wives have shared with me over the years how they can feel like a doormat in the relationship. It is not only the husbands who can be the aggressors here, though they certainly can. Many husbands have written me to talk about how they have no say in making decisions about their children, what neighborhood they need to move to, or where they will attend church. The wife makes all those decisions, without input from the husbands, who feel like they are only valued for the paycheck they bring home. So in addressing those who are feeling like a doormat, I am speaking to both husbands and wives.

With that said, in humility, you can voice to your concerns, given they are somewhat receptive, such as:

When you have a different opinion than they do on how to handle a certain situation: “I hope you value the unselfish ideas (I hope they are unselfish) I surface with you, as they are intended to serve and support you. I ask that you truly hear my perspective and consider my goodwill. Please hear me when I ask you not to interpret this as an accusation rather than as a sincere appeal for understanding.”

When your spouse is moving forward with their decision on a matter, though you have yet to express your thoughts: “I often need additional time to process and form my thoughts, so I hope you will understand that my kindness, patience, and quietness during discussions do not necessarily indicate agreement, but neither does it mean I'm formulating disagreeable ideas. Please hear me when I say that I am not trying to distance myself from you to avoid your ideas, nor that I distrust you and fear engaging the issue.”

When your spouse is defensive simply because you have a differing idea or you bring up a possible obstacle to their idea: “I understand your discomfort when I convey my need for boundaries, like setting limits on spending or who we choose to spend time with, but I need protective guardrails. Please hear me when I say I am not trying to control or undermine your independence and decision-making.” 

When you have a disagreement with your spouse in a gray area and feel there is a win-win solution that could make both of you happy, though your spouse might initially feel you are just trying to get your own way: “I hope we can mutually benefit and support each other by collaborating on ways to achieve our healthy self-interests when conflicts arise. Please hear me when I say this win-win strategy is not a deceptive trick to get solely what I want and challenge your rights.” 

When the issue becomes more than the original disagreement or conflict but now your spouse has made it personal, devaluing and disparaging you with their hurtful comments: “I confess that I am vulnerable when you make remarks that sound belittling since these affect my self-image and what I feel is my value to you, so it would mean a great deal to me if we could address the issue when upset rather than demean each other. Please hear me when I say that I am aware of my tendency to be overly sensitive and read into remarks, but I know I say things at times to you that I should not, and you have acknowledged saying unnecessary things to me.” 

When your spouse is under the disillusion that they are 100 percent the victim and you are the sole bearer of responsibility, even to the point of justifying their obvious bad reactions on you “because you made them act this way!”: “About addressing the issue when upset, it would be a huge thing to me if we could try to avoid blaming the other and justifying ourselves but just talk about the matter on the table that needs resolving. Please hear me when I say that I am not saying ‘we’ when I mean you. This is not a trick like saying ‘Let's be nice’ when I mean you need to be nice.”

As with any negative cycle two people are stuck in, the key to getting out is trying a different way—a more positive way—to end the cycle. The back-and-forth blaming and yelling is only spinning the cycle faster and faster. The next time you are feeling like a doormat in the relationship, will you commit to trying a different way of getting out from underneath it all? Will you try a discussion starter like one of these so that you can help not only that specific conflict but future potential conflicts as well?