Does God Intend Mutual Sexual Satisfaction in Marriage?

Men and women have differing sexual and emotional needs, which I have preached for forty years. But be assured, this does not mean that one does not have sexual needs and the other does not have emotional needs. Differing does not mean nonexistent. For example, a man may have the same need as his wife to connect emotionally, but for him it more naturally comes after they have experienced sexual intimacy. Similarly, a woman definitely has a need to connect with her husband sexually, but more often than not she prefers to do so after having made an emotional connection. 

The apostle Paul acknowledges these mutual needs in 1 Corinthians 7:3, 5 when he writes: "The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise the wife also to her husband. . . . Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

If a man does not have a need to connect emotionally or a woman does not have a need to connect physically, how could they be deprived? You cannot be deprived of what you do not desire or need. 

Yet in beautiful fashion, verse 4, placed right between the two verses stated above, provides for us what some might consider a standoff—a lose-lose scenario. It says, “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” How can both husband and wife find mutual sexual satisfaction in marriage when their needs vary as they do and neither has authority over their own body?

In my book The Language of Love and Respect, published in 2007, I write the following on pages 13 and 14, about two questions every married couple has had:

1. Are we having sex tonight?
2. Who decides? 

In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul addresses a common problem in marriage: sexual relations. He makes it clear that “the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does” (verse 4). 

Paul’s words seem to describe a standoff. So who decides tonight whether or not there will be sexual intimacy? If he verbally pushes the issue, will she feel used and unloved? If she verbally declines, will he feel disrespected? Most couples know what this situation is like. All too often it turns into a clash. Feeling unloved, she speaks words of contempt: “It’s always all about you. You never think of how I might be feeling.” Smarting from what he perceives as disrespect and frigid unconcern for his needs, he speaks harshly and unlovingly: “You always have a headache. You care more about the kids than me. I’m just a meal ticket to you.”

Obviously, inflammatory remarks like this get the Crazy Cycle shifting into high gear in a hurry. But does either spouse really intend for this to happen? Rarely. Most spouses are full of goodwill: each means the other no harm, but wants only good things to happen between them. Note that Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:33-34 the “one who is married is concerned about. . . how he may please his wife. . . [or] how she may please her husband.” In the normal flow of marriage, neither gets up in the morning thinking, “How can I displease my mate or show I am not concerned about my spouse’s needs?” Nonetheless, as the day goes by, things happen. Without realizing it, he may sound harsh and unloving, and she reacts with disrespect. Or she may treat him with disrespect in one of a dozen different little ways, and he reacts by not being loving. Conflict occurs, and that is when spouses can get nasty with each other. Both spouses are goodwilled people, but it sure doesn’t seem that way at the moment! 

And the problem concerning “sex tonight—yes or no” still remains. How can two goodwilled people deal with this issue so that they both feel loved and respected? Eugene Peterson’s paraphrase of 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 offers some excellent clues: “The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to ‘stand up for your rights’ ” (MSG).

Peterson’s phrase “place of mutuality” points to the idea of creating a win-win situation. When the Crazy Cycle is going strong, both spouses are in a win-lose frame of mind. Spouses who seek a Love and Respect kind of marriage have many tools and techniques at their disposal to slow and stop the Crazy Cycle and create a win-win. Couples practicing Love and Respect learn that, because she sees and hears in pink and he sees and hears in blue, they are markedly different. In order to understand these differences, they need to realize that they send each other messages in code and they must learn how to decode each other.

So… are you and your spouse having sex tonight? If so, will it come after emotional connection, or will it be the preface to it? Who decides? This does not have to be a standoff! Instead, it’s an opportunity for two goodwilled people to “fulfill their duty” of unconditional love and respect toward each other and turn their bedroom into a “place of mutuality.” Godspeed!

Note: Our resources are here to serve you and your spouse as you attempt to decode! Alongside this article please look at this collection on sexual intimacy so the two of you can experience the mutual sexual satisfaction God intended and stay off the Crazy Cycle.