Same Facts, Different Views: His and Her Marriages

Did you know we can ask a husband and wife identical questions about identical issues but receive two different replies? Why? Because the husband and wife are each experiencing two different marriages: his and hers. 

He views an event through his blue lens, which emphasizes his strong felt needs as a man. She sees through her pink glasses, which highlight her strong felt needs as a woman. As a result of these different tints of seeing the world—her pink and his blue—each may view the same facts in completely different ways.

For instance, if a couple has sex eight times a month, the man may very well claim they do not have enough sex (since he feels a greater need for sex) and the wife will claim they have too much sex (since she feels a lesser need for sex). They agree on the facts: they have sex eight times a month. But when asked about the frequency of their sexual intimacy, he says it’s not enough and she says it’s too much.

Or, if they regularly make a point to talk heart to heart (in two cushioned chairs face to face) for a total of forty minutes a week, the wife can remark they do not connect enough (since she feels a greater need for talking) and the husband can claim they talk too much for his liking (since he feels a lesser need to talk). The facts are the same for both, but each interprets their feelings about those facts differently.

We See What We Give Up More Than What We Receive

Added to this, both will see what they have to give up more than they see what they receive. The husband will claim he must defer to his wife who wants sex less than he does (so he agrees to limit it to eight times), and she will claim she must defer more often to her husband's sexual requests (so she agrees to eight times, which is a sacrifice to her).

Or, the wife will claim that she must give in to her husband who wants to talk less than she does (so she agrees to limit it to forty minutes), and he will claim that he must talk more often than he wishes but does so because she requires this of him (so he agrees to forty minutes, which is a sacrifice to him).

Each feels the other exercises the greater influence and gets their way, whereas they have less say and get less of what they wish. He feels she is in charge of their sex life while she feels he is in charge of their sex life! She feels he governs their talk-times while he feels she controls this by demanding he talk to her again about her hurt feelings!

Again, the facts are clear to both. They have sex eight times a month and talk face-to-face forty minutes a week. Yet in his marriage, they don’t have enough sex, they talk too much, and she’s in charge of both. And over in her marriage, they have too much sex, they don’t talk enough, and he’s in charge of determining both amounts. Two very different marriages!

We See the Negative More Than the Positive

These attitudes become entrenched over time since we see the negative more than the positive. We notice what ought not to be (in our opinion) more than when things happen according to our wishes since that ought to be. A husband will notice far more when his wife deprives him of sex since that ought not to be! He will see less often when his wife responds to his desire for sex since that ought to be! A wife will pay attention to those times when she must consent to his sexual pushiness since his pushiness should not be! She will notice less when she says no, and he continues to watch his sporting event without complaint, which is the way it ought to be.

Or, a wife will notice far more when her husband deprives her of emotional connection since that ought not to be! She will see less often when her husband responds to her desire to talk heart to heart since that ought to be! A husband will pay attention to those times when he must consent to her statement, "We need to talk!" since that ought not to be. He will notice less when he says, "No, not at this time," and she lets go of her request to talk since to him this is what ought to be.

This explains why when listening to a husband and wife communicate about their vulnerabilities and neglect in the marriage, each sounds right. She knows that she is right as she gazes at things through her pink lens. She sincerely feels this way. He knows that he is right as he peers through his blue glasses, and he earnestly feels this way.

Consequently, when they discuss their circumstances, he doesn't hear her vulnerability about feeling put down for not wanting sex as often as he does, nor does he hear her vulnerability about not connecting heart to heart as much as she feels she needs this. In his opinion, he's the one having to make the sacrifices, not her.

As for her side, she does not hear his vulnerability about feeling put down for not wanting to talk as often as she does, nor does she hear his vulnerability about not connecting sexually as much as he feels he needs this. From her vantage point, she's the one abdicating her wishes on his behalf.

Though we have one set of facts, we have two different opinions that stem from having two different vulnerabilities, which results in two different marriages. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Both! Neither!