Do You Have the Humility Necessary to Move First?

“Who moves first?” I am asked often.

When a husband and wife find themselves on yet another out-of-control Crazy Cycle—where feeling unloved, she reacts without respect; and feeling disrespected, he reacts without love—how do they decide who is going to be the first to stop reacting unlovingly or disrespectfully? In a social media world that is obsessed with getting the last word in, who decides to stop getting their next word in? Who decides to instead react with love and respect? Who moves first?

He or she who sees himself or herself as the most mature moves first. It’s as simple as that.

Yet it’s not so simple, is it? For to make such a move—when everything inside you just wants to take another jab, or roll your eyes, or slam the door—requires an increasingly difficult-to-grasp (and even harder to live out) characteristic that goes against the grain of every Crazy Cycle ever spun . . .

Humility.

James 4:10 tells us, “Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.” On the same note, 1 Peter 5:6 says, “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, so that He may exalt you at the proper time.” And Jesus Himself said, “Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled, and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted” (Matthew 23:12).

Clearly the deal is, humble yourself before the Lord, and He will exalt you. I will also add, humble yourselves and move first to get off the Crazy Cycle, and you’re significantly closer to not only ending the negative cycle but also motivating your spouse to move toward you with the love and respect you desperately need. 

But what does a humility like this look like? 

Philippians 2 gives us many clues. Paul describes in specific terms how Jesus “humbled Himself” (2:8). He then urges us to be humble as Jesus was humble. As it pertains to moving first, whether or not our spouse responds to our humility, we can still partake in a holy relish of imitating Jesus as best we can.

In Philippians 2:3–5 Paul wrote, “with humility. . . . Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus.” Then he gives us five clues what this humble attitude looks like:

1. Like Jesus, a humble person knows who they are before God. Clearly, according to Philippians 2:6, Jesus had “equality with God.” He knew who He was. In a similar way, we are fellow heirs with Jesus throughout eternity. Everything Jesus receives, we receive. This is mind boggling, of course. But the more we recognize our true identity as a child and heir of God, the less we need to boast about our importance or arrogantly demand our spouse make us feel good about ourselves as though our worth is established by our spouse.

2. Like Jesus, a humble person does not exploit who they are as though they deserve special treatment without hardship from God and others. Though Jesus was God on earth, He “did not consider equality with God something to be grasped” or exploited (2:6). I have observed husbands and wives together or as individuals conclude that because of who God says they are in Christ, that God is bound to love them and protect them with His power and promises so that no serious problems should come their way. So, when a five-year-old child dies of cancer, this couple walks away from Christ. But we should look no further than Jesus’ suffering at the cross to see that we are not exempt from hardships. Nor do we deserve special treatment.

3. Like Jesus, a humble person voluntarily relinquishes personal rights, privileges, and status if these interfere with serving and ministering to others. In Philippians 2:7 we read that Jesus “emptied Himself by taking the form of a bond-servant and being made in the likeness of men.” A humble person isn’t interested in talking about how important they are but in talking about how important the other person is. In marriage, when we view ourselves as better and smarter and more deserving than our spouse, hubris not humility best describes us.

4. Like Jesus, a humble person maintains the essential goal, which is to trust and obey the Father, all the way to the point of death. Philippians 2:8 says, “And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” None of us wants to suffer. And though none reading this will be crucified, we will have troubles in marriage (1 Corinthians 7:28), and a humble person keeps their eyes fixed on the Father, trusting and obeying Him in the overwhelming circumstances. They do not exclaim, “I did not sign up for this!” 

5. Like Jesus, a humble person totally trusts the Father to honor and exalt them in eternity. That’s why seeking the adulation of the carnal world rings hollow. It is not only short-lived, it feels somewhat pointless. As for Jesus, after the ascension, “God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name” (2:9). As for us, Paul wrote in 3:21, that God “will transform the body of our lowly condition into conformity with His glorious body.” The humble person is fine with waiting. What is to come brings joy and significance in the moment.