Pick Your Battles Wisely (And Avoid Those About His Driving!)

Can you relate to the couple who was driving on the highway, with their exit still a few miles away, when the wife said matter-of-factly, “You’ll need to get in the right lane”?

Though she only wishes to be helpful, one cannot help but wonder whether such an “innocent” comment even needs to be said. Ladies, before you dismiss me, can I just let you know that I receive many emails about this very topic? I hear from wives in bewilderment how their husband could get so angry over her “helpfulness” in the car. She’s only being the navigator, after all. That’s their deal. He drives, she navigates, right?

I also hear from frustrated husbands, who feel so disrespected by their wives when driving in the car with them. One wrote to me:

She often corrects my driving (which route to take to a destination, usually to shave seconds off our trip) I’ve told her many times that it hurts, but she seems unable to stop. Last night, after I selected my route (fearful that she would not approve), she said, “Can I make a suggestion for the future?” and then told me the way I should have gone. Once again, I felt disrespected. I felt that she just couched her disrespect in a respectful tone. Do I continue to tell her each time she hurts me (thereby becoming a nag myself) or do I “take the hit” and move on?

Admittedly, the “backseat driver” scenario may seem a petty one to many, but it opens the discussion to an important question: Do we always need to voice our disagreement? Whenever one spouse disagrees with the other, is it necessary to voice such and risk taking up battle?

I would say no, it is not always necessary to voice our disagreement. I am not saying that a spouse should hide their opinions from their spouse for fear of an argument sparking, and as a result they continually grow more bitter about the other “always getting their way.” And of course there are many issues that absolutely need to be discussed, no matter how far apart two people are, such as where to send their kids to school, which church to attend, where their next vacation should be. A couple needs to learn how to best engage each other on disagreements such as these, so that they may work together to find win-win. 

But does every single disagreement they have need to be heard? If one spouse would’ve preferred a different route to the store, does it have to be made known? If one spouse would’ve chosen a different brand of chips had they been the ones who did the grocery shopping, do they have to share that? 

No, they don’t. One husband wrote me about his wife, “My wife is very efficient and somewhat of a perfectionist. So, she is often offering suggestions on what I should do and how it should be done. I don’t respond well to her suggestions.”

He’s not alone. Another husband shared a similar story, but then said about his wife, “She’s picked up on the respect idea and has deferred to my leadership more often. I’ve seen this, particularly in the car. She used to tell me where to turn or question why I chose a certain route.  Now, she just goes along for the ride!”

May her tribe increase! How funny it is that the first example this husband used when sharing with me how his wife has begun deferring to his leadership more often was about letting him make the decisions in the car! Are you beginning to understand how important this is, and how it reflects a bigger issue in his mind?

Another wife who finally got this said, “I would tell him how to drive to a given destination or where to park, as if he couldn’t figure it out on his own, with his masculinity still intact! My motive may have been to ‘help’ but the resulting lack of intimacy wasn’t worth it. We always seem to get there whether I chime in or not and the ride is much more ‘friendly’ if I let him figure it out.”

Exactly! Those who empathize and refrain from the belief that “I am smarter and better than you,” discern when to disagree and when not to disagree. They discern if saying something is necessary. For example, they begin to recognize when their counter position is nothing more than a “petty desire.” Yes, your route might be five minutes faster. But unless you’re on your way to the emergency room or you’re twenty minutes late to picking up your kid from his late-night soccer practice, does the five minutes really matter?

The truth is, we don’t always need to give our input. If he is driving, do you really need to tell him the best way to get there, if he isn’t asking? Though you’re only wanting to be helpful, such help isn’t always necessary. And even more, he is likely to not view it as “help.”

The wise spouse discerns whether the situation is worth the risk of a battle, or if silently “going along for the ride” is the best choice in that time.