Is It Okay to Expect to Be Special to My Husband, Making Me a Priority Above His Family?

We read in Genesis 2:24 that God’s plan is for a man to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. Unfortunately, some husbands never cut the umbilical cord. Instead, they stay unhealthily attached to their mothers, which ignites tensions between the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. No doubt, the husband needs to establish healthy boundaries so that his wife does not conclude he favors his mommy all the time and in every circumstance.

Misinterpreting Caring Behavior

Having said that, there are some wives out there who read into a husband’s caring behavior toward his family as evidence he does not care for her. She takes up offense at what she feels is unloving and insulting. But is that always the case? Is every instance of him taking his mom out for lunch instead of his wife proof that he does not cherish his wife above everyone else as he should? Is every time he invites his parents over to join them on family game night proof that he does not value time alone with just his wife and children?

Expecting to Be Special

Yes, for some this might be the case at times. And to answer the concerned wife’s question, yes, she should expect to be special to her husband and to be made a priority above his family. Is the husband who still takes his mom out to lunch making a point to regularly date his wife too? Does he still value times out and at home with their own family, even though he may occasionally invite his parents over to join them? If a wife, after taking time to contemplate fully and honestly the situation, perhaps getting insight from a godly wise woman, still feels justified in her view that she is not the high priority of her husband she deserves to be, then, yes, she can address her concern with him in a loving and respectful manner (as well as at the proper time and place).

Evaluating the Situation

However, could there be times when she is deluded in her view of the matter? Is her husband truly the uncaring human being because he still cares deeply for his family, or might she be the uncaring person for not supporting and appreciating his care for them? The reasonable, loving, and goodwilled wife will take the necessary time to honestly evaluate her situation in order to best determine which it is. If only the wife of a fellow who wrote me would have taken the time to do just that.

He shared with me, “My mom died two years ago. She and my dad had been married for fifty years. They also lived (and he still does) next door to us. For about the first year my dad would come over almost daily, especially if I was out working in the yard. My wife wanted me to tell him not to come over anymore and I couldn’t find it in my heart to do so, because he was lonely. I finally did and it hurt him. He didn’t come over for about six months . . . (but) it happened yesterday. We were working in the yard and my dad came over. My wife was furious because I didn’t tell him to leave. She says I don’t love her or care for our marriage because I didn’t tell him to leave . . . I have always been a caring person and will do whatever I can to help someone. My wife says this is a ‘fault’ of mine.”

This situation may seem extreme, and it is likely that most reading this are perplexed and saddened by the wife’s reactions to her husband and grieving father-in-law. However, perhaps this common ground will allow us to step back together and honestly evaluate what might be going on inside this wife, and learn from it so that we can avoid similar arguments with our spouses and their family.

Finding a Both-And Solution

So what then should this wife do? Assuming the father-in-law is not a serial killer or sex criminal, she should seek godly, wise counsel from people who have gone through a similar situation with in-laws but navigated that without ultimatums. With these empathetic and skilled folks, she needs to answer the following questions:

1. Is her self-image and happiness determined by her husband doing no act of kindness toward his dad lest she feels second fiddle, devalued, belittled, inferior, unimportant, insecure, unsafe, and unloved?
2. Why does she view her husband’s caring ways as a slap across her face? Does this reveal the depth of her insecurities? Is this her issue, not his?
3. Does she think she has the right to demand that her husband severs ties with his dad? If so, what are her valid reasons, and should he be okay with her dictatorial control over the matter?
4. Does she truly believe that the proof of her husband’s care and love for her is found in his telling the father-in-law, now a sorrowful widower, to leave and never return?
5. Is her husband wishing to act with care toward his sorrowing widower father, who lives next door, due to the husband being a caring man toward his dad, or does it serve as proof that he is uncaring toward his wife?
6. Is the only solution an “either-or” equation: choose me as your wife or choose your father, but you cannot have both? Why can a balanced approach not be created since though a man is to leave his father and mother, he also must honor his father and mother?

Sensible heads should easily conclude that this is a both-and situation, with plenty of time throughout the week to show care for all involved. People establish reasonable and healthy boundaries that enable them to live out their faith and values on both ends of their obligations. A husband and adult son can care for his wife appropriately and care for his widower father. With 168 hours in a week, there is more than enough time to do these things. Even if you subtract 56 hours for sleeping, 50 hours for working, 21 hours for eating, 7 hours for working out, and 14 hours for recreation, that still leaves 20 hours a week to demonstrate care. What about 17 hours of care shown toward the wife and 3 hours of care a week shown toward the widower father-in-law? Should any reasonable, goodwilled wife have reason to be upset with that ratio?

Both-And Is the Answer

The answer to the original question is also a both-and situation. Yes, every wife should expect to be special to her husband and made a priority over the rest of his family. But also, yes, her husband is still under God’s command to honor, love, and care for his parents. Is a wife really going to argue that doing so does not require spending time with them?