Has the Deceiver Convinced You That Respect Must Be Earned?

Back in the garden, when it was only one man and one woman, the lone woman, Eve, was deceived by the serpent, who questioned her, “Did God really say not to eat the fruit from that tree?” On this, in the New Testament, the apostle Paul wrote, “It was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell into transgression” (1 Timothy 2:14). Two thousand years after Paul’s letter, sadly, the devil continues to deceive everyone in a variety of ways, as he “prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8).

One of the ways he continues to deceive women is in culture’s almost complete disregard of Scripture’s command for a wife to respect her husband. In Ephesians 5:33, Paul wrote, “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” And Peter wrote also, “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior” (1 Peter 3:1-2).

And oftentimes, even within many church circles, when respect for the husband is taught, it is under the idea of “respect must be earned.” But the idea of unconditional respect toward the spirit of the man, which is what Paul and Peter are referring to, is ignored and disregarded by many—a plan, I believe, that has been well executed by the Deceiver.

That is why I love to highlight stories like the following. This wife who wrote me represents many women and is a perfect example of why I stand at attention and salute the godly women throughout the church. For over two decades of speaking and writing about God’s message of unconditional love and respect, based on Ephesians 5:33, these women have blown me away with their longing to do God's will after learning what His will is for them in marriage. Listen to this woman's testimony and perspective after she read my book Motivating Your Man God's Way.

As I turned each page, a secret part of my heart was exposed, little by little, page by page. I thought as I continued to read, "Boy, do these people know a woman's heart or what." Over the next few days and even now, I feel angry at my sin and angry that women are so very cruel to men not only in marriage but in many areas of life. But also, I feel irritated at myself for wanting to continue in some of these undesirable and unglorifying behaviors even though I realize now they are the reasons why I draw unhappiness from myself and my marriage. Instead of seeing myself as justified to behave in these ways, I now see myself as childish at best when the feeling of disrespect rears its ugly head. That's where the talking my walk comes in: Will I obey Jesus or me? Thanks for making that clear for me; it has made a difference. 

I grew up in an alcoholic family, where I had three siblings and myself. To date, all of us siblings are in either our second or third marriages. My parents are even divorced in spite of being married for 41 years. I have every reason to repent and convict myself to obeying the Word of God. Your book is the answer to saving marriages. I might as well throw all my other “Wife” books away. They don't hold a candle to your book and its biblical and very cutting truths. Women need to know they are in grave sin and are destroying their marriages by not respecting their husband. They are sinning against their God, and many, for some reason, don't know it. Or, they won't allow the truth from the Bible into their hearts for conviction. 

As a last note, thank you for not being afraid to write the truth. Your book has made each of us extremely angry that we cannot carry on as the righteous victims in our marriages any longer. It has also unleashed a feeling of uneasiness as we realize that no longer can we control our husbands with our disrespectful tones, looks, demeanor, and behaviors. . . . I also believe the sin of lack of respect on the women's part is the reason why so many marriages tragically end in divorce, and why so many families are torn apart. From the garden to the present, Satan is still taunting the heart of the woman.

Indeed, “Satan is still taunting the heart of the woman.” Read again some of this wife’s testimony that represents many ways that Satan continues to deceive wives:

“I feel angry at my sin and angry that women are so very cruel to men not only in marriage but in many areas of life.” What this wife describes as “very cruel” actually stems from good intentions of a loving wife. Sadly, the devil has deceived women into thinking that the best way to motivate their husband to be more loving is to criticize and complain. She does so out of love, in order to bring them back to unity. But doing so only results in her husband feeling disrespected and pulling away even further.

“Instead of seeing myself as justified to behave in these ways, I now see myself as childish at best when the feeling of disrespect rears its ugly head.” Since creation Satan has been at work in women’s lives convincing them that their husband’s unloving words or actions justify their disrespectful behavior in order to better motivate them. But we cannot motivate our spouse to give us what we need (for a wife, his love) by withholding from them what they need (for a husband, her respect).

“They are sinning against their God, and many, for some reason, don't know it. Or, they won't allow the truth from the Bible into their hearts for conviction.” Isn’t this exactly what the Deceiver does, convincing us that we’re not in sin? That is exactly what he did with Eve, and it’s what he’s still up to today. After all, when we are aware of the sin in our lives, the Holy Spirit convicts us and we repent, trying to correct our ways. So Satan does all he can to not allow us to recognize our sin, in this case the wife who refuses to show unconditional respect toward her husband.

“We realize that no longer can we control our husbands with our disrespectful tones, looks, demeanor, and behaviors.” Again, Satan has deceived many loving, goodwilled wives into believing that they can better motivate their husband to love them by using disrespectful means. But this will not work. Maybe in the short term they get the initial result they were looking for, but the disrespectful wife will never penetrate the heart of a man and motivate him to be the loving husband she needs, because he needs her respect like he needs air to breathe. 

Again, I salute this wife who is secure enough in her walk with God to make the confession she did. She recognized how she had been deceived, she admitted to her sin of refusing to show unconditional respect toward who her husband is as a man, and she made the intentional decision to move forward with respect, independent of her husband’s actions. Do you need to take similar actions in your life and marriage today?