How Pink Can Deal with Blue Thinking When It Seems So Unloving

One of my favorite analogies to share in our Love and Respect Conferences is comparing men and women with pink and blue. There is an immediate ripple of recognition and agreement in the audience when I talk about how she sees through pink sunglasses and hears with pink hearing aids while his world is shaded in blue. He sees life differently through blue sunglasses and hears what she is saying differently through blue hearing aids.

When a husband or wife becomes more aware of these pink and blue differences—and adapts along with it the “not wrong, just different” philosophy—it can help them understand their spouse’s viewpoint and intentions and handle much more lovingly and respectfully situations that previously would have led to misunderstandings and perhaps the Crazy Cycle. Such as was the case for one wife who wrote me recently:

A light bulb recently went on for me regarding blue thinking.

Two days after Christmas my husband was working on getting tax info together when our 17-year-old son had a fever of 104 and we ended up taking him to the emergency room. When we found out the wait would be two hours, my husband turned to me and said, "Do you mind if I go home and work on taxes and then come back?" Immediately my mind went to blue thinking, otherwise I would have killed him. Now, I would never tell that story to my pink-thinking friends, but I was tempted to just for support.

This, indeed, was one of those pink and blue situations where neither spouse was wrong, just different. She was wise to immediately recognize where her husband was coming from and that he had not suddenly become an insensitive jerk, an unloving husband, and an uncaring father. It is sudden leaps like these (usually not even truly believed by the one making those accusations) that so often spark the Crazy Cycle.

I responded to her:

Great illustrations. Yes, pink would see his comment about going home as illustrative that he is insensitive and uncaring. Women would be in disbelief. "Your son might die! And, what would your son feel if he knew you left?" But, blue doesn't see it as a life-and-death situation, and believes he'll be there for his son when he can be there for his son. Unless the doctors said his life is in the balance, your husband figured, “I can either wait here for two hours, or get the taxes done now while I am fixated and committed to being responsible for the family unit. I am returning immediately when I can see my son.”

But there is also another dimension at play here regarding how mom and dad view the urgency surrounding their son’s fever. Males do not react as emotionally in crisis situations. That is why they are great warriors. Men are natural fighters. God designed them to willingly go into enemy fire. In battle, they don't run around like chickens with their heads cut off. In fact, many of the women who are mad at a man's apparent indifference in this hospital situation will be happy campers when they see his calm in an immediate crisis where the house is being fired upon by the neighbor across the street who went crazy.

So, in situations like this one at the hospital, the crisis is not seen as severe or threatening to the husband, at least not compared to what could be. The husband assessed what he could and could not do in this situation and acted accordingly. He doesn't see the symbolism of what his son might feel when he wakes up and learns that dad is doing taxes. Then again, the son may not be particularly bothered. All would be well, if the dad said to his son later, "I didn't want to sit there and worry, so I got myself busy doing taxes." That would be encouraging to many sons. 

But this is also not just about how the son would interpret his dad’s actions or how the husband felt that this was not so much of an emergency that he couldn’t continue redeeming the time and getting their taxes done. “Not wrong, just different” doesn’t mean that the wife in this situation doesn’t have a right to want her husband to stay with them. Who wouldn’t blame her for wanting and needing his support as she sat in the ER with her high-fevered son? The key is in how pink communicates to blue in this moment—not being a disrespectful and nagging wife but by respectfully appealing to his sense of honor and of being the family protector.

What if instead of erupting at him for being so insensitive, she said something like, "I understand why you want to go home and do the taxes. That really is a better use of your time. However, I would make a request. First of all, I feel very vulnerable right now and need your strength. I shouldn't be worried but I am. A temperature of 104 is life threatening in my mind. I need to lean on you. I need you. Also, I feel your son would feel deeply honored knowing you were waiting here to see how things turned out. I could be wrong, but I think this is a moment to honor him, and I am going to let him know that. I know things have been a bit strained and I think this can make a huge deposit in his soul. What do you think? I mean practically, doing taxes is more important, but selfishly I need you, and I think this can be a moment to let him see you will always be there for him. If you don't mind, I am going to tell him that."

Notice the Respect Talk used in her request to her husband: “Strength.” “Honor.” “Lean on.” How do you think that the typical loving, good-willed provider of a husband would respond to that extremely respectful and understanding request?

Right. He would gladly stay and forgo getting ahead with the taxes, seizing the opportunity to provide for his family what they needed from him in that moment.

Plus, Crazy Cycle averted!