He is Different. She is Different. How Do You Deal With Disappointment?

She is disappointed because she sees him neglecting her heartfelt concerns, even dismissing them in a condescending way. To her, he is too stoic, matter of fact. Furthermore, she cannot believe that he would bark out solutions when she simply needs from him a listening ear and empathetic demeanor. To her, two people who care for each other will "tend, mend, and befriend," and that revolves around what one feels.

‍In her opinion, that is the key to connecting. Two people give the report on what they are feeling to build rapport. This is what marriage is all about—husband and wife talk to discover what they are feeling, and explore those feelings, and stay with the discussion about those feelings until there is a sense of closure and closeness. For a woman, to shut down on such conversations, to declare, “Just drop it and move on; it’s no big deal” is like finger nails down a chalkboard.

On the other hand, he is disappointed because he sees her as self-absorbed in her feelings, dwelling way too much on them. To him, she is controlled by her moodiness. But worse, he cannot believe she often blames him for her upsets, hurts, and anger.

Constantly, he is asking himself questions, such as: Why does every feeling have to become an issue, and why does it end up being that he is the issue? Why can't there be one day or one month when everything is okay? Why does every feeling have to be talked about? Why can't two mature people move forward positively, enjoying each other instead of always revisiting some minor infraction?

Men don't do this with each other, he reasons to himself, and we have great friendships. We see the goodwill and don't take up offense. We don't call Harry and say, "We need to get together to talk about how you hurt my feelings." Doesn't the Bible say, "Love does not take into account a wrong suffered"? Who is really the more loving person in the marriage? Why is my wife always viewed as more loving when she seems to be keeping a list of all the negatives and not the positives?

Oftentimes within an argument, both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. Out of love for him and their relationship, she wants to dwell on the issue and not leave it alone until all is solved in her mind. However, what she sees as love, he interprets as disrespect.

On the other side, he believes the most loving and honorable action is to drop the subject and distance himself in order to prevent things from escalating. However, she views this as a failure to be loving toward her.

How about you? How do you most often try and work through an issue with your spouse?

When he or she deals with it differently, how do you handle your disappointment?

-Dr. E