God’s “Secret” Became One Couple’s Miracle

The love and respect connection is real—make no mistake. When I was reading Ephesians 5 one day in 1998, after having studied and taught from this chapter many times in my twenty years of preaching, God revealed this connection to me and it blew me away. In fact, I remember exclaiming out loud right then and there, “Glory to God!” 

As I would later write about in my book Love & Respect, the insight I finally recognized that day, then confirmed later with scientific research, explained why my wife, Sarah, and I would get into many of the arguments we did. For the first time, I saw clearly why my words and actions would cause Sarah to feel deflated and why I could be sent through the roof by things she said.

In Paul’s letter to the Ephesian church, he said clearly that wives need love and husbands need respect (Ephesians 5:33). It had been right there for all to discover for two thousand years! As I began to share this “secret” with others around the country, though, I would often run into people saying things like, “This love and respect connection sounds good, Emerson, but isn’t it a little theoretical? My spouse and I have real problems we’re dealing with at home—financial, sexual, parenting—how can love and respect help us in these areas?”

To answer this question here, which I know many of you have right now, I want to simply provide the testimony from one wife who had felt helpless and out of options in her marriage, to the point she had even wondered if she’d be better off just dying from her cancer! How could love and respect save even her marriage? I pray you are encouraged by her story:

This is nothing short of a miraculous story!! In short, you saved my marriage!! Last year I remarried after many years of being a single mom with two kids. My new husband, Andy, had two of his own. So here we are with four kids, in-laws who are nasty who live nearby, two ex-spouses, three separate custody arrangements, severe financial worries, and trying to renovate the house so the kids aren't sleeping on the floor. And then I was diagnosed with breast cancer and thyroid cancer! Yikes!! We are both believers, but this was devastating. I struggled with my faith, and my treatments were utterly debilitating while my husband criticized me at every turn. 

‍I cannot begin to describe the agony, sadness, desperation, frustration, and raw devastation of the last year. I was torn between wanting to die of cancer so I could be free from this misery but afraid for my kids being left in it, and hating Andy because the stress he was putting me under was literally killing me. We started counseling with a friend’s pastor several months ago, and his message has been that of Ephesians 5. But we weren't making much headway at all. Neither one of us got it. We would bring our most recent fights in to resolve and try to work through, but nothing was changing. Andy was so cruel and unloving and judgmental, and I was continually hurting and criticizing him for being so. 

And then I fell apart at my ladies bible study, literally hysterical because I have another upcoming surgery for a thyroidectomy and I was planning to go to a friend’s house to recover because I don't think I will be cared for at home. I was at the end of my rope. Physically, mentally, and spiritually I was dying. Throw in some very strong personalities, outside influences that urged us to leave each other because neither one of us “deserved this,” and a dash of lies from Satan that we would all be better off if we divorced, and that is where you come in. 

‍I have been praying and praying and praying to love my husband more and then maybe he wouldn't be so mean to me. My mother-in-law had dropped off some Focus on the Family stuff a few days ago and I had seen their article on your book. Honestly, I ordered it to read the part on how to get the love I need, not imagining for one second that I had ever been disrespectful to my husband. My book came in on Wednesday afternoon and I read it in just a few hours. I literally devoured it. I laughed until I cried, because we have fought over presents (he returns them all), we have fought over eggs (he likes them FRIED!), we have fought over every one of your examples. We have actually said, verbatim, some of your examples! 

I truly believe you were inspired to write this book for us. God used your hand to send us a personal message. We hadn't been speaking for three days at this point, but on Wednesday evening I asked if we could talk, and talk we did until midnight, and we got up early the next morning to continue. We both recognize that this is exactly what we have been doing to each other to such a mind-boggling, shameful degree, and now we have the tools to not only stop but to actually jump off the Crazy Cycle we have never been off of and thrive. Thursday morning was our counseling appointment, and I spent two hours reading parts of your book to him. He laughed so hard, he thought someone must have been following us around and recording our lives!! He actually stuck his head out and had his secretary order him one. 

I know it has only been a few days, but it only takes a millisecond for a condemned man to relish his pardon. I have been expressing my appreciation for Andy as many times a day as I can, even though it is awkward for me. The “lingo” is new to me, and as you say, not my mother tongue. But I have learned Spanish and French, so I can learn the language of appreciation and admiration and respect. And Andy’s response has been phenomenal. He is responding to me in exactly the ways I have needed him to all along. The parts that hit home the most for me were when you talked about how it would feel to never hear “I love you.” I cried with shame. Andy’s job is very seasonal and he actually didn't take a paycheck from his business for the first six months of our marriage. My child support and disability were our only income. I would never have imagined in a million years how hard this was for him. And in my ignorance, I would joke about it to try and relieve the tension. I don’t need to explain to you how well that went over. I have apologized profusely for this. 

There have been many times when he has asked me to join him in the barn or do something with him. I was always completely lost and floundering when I received an emotional thunderstorm just because I said “no thanks,” not realizing what he was needing and asking of me. . . . 

‍It is completely true that Andy did not propose to me because he loved me, even though he did, but because I thought the sun rose and set with him. Now, hopefully, I can make him feel that way again! I have more hope and optimism now for my marriage than I have at any point of knowing Andy. I have ordered at least five more copies of your book for my sister-in-law, my doctor who is a wonderful Christian, and some of my friends. I want every couple I know to read this book. THANK YOU!!! for being such a servant of God and so sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading to write this book. I cannot stress enough that you have literally saved our marriage. We are two well-intentioned believers that were so helpless to save ourselves until you came along and I pray that you will be very, very, blessed in your life and marriage.

Your (now happily-married LOL) sister in Christ,

Monica

What a pure joy it was for Sarah and me to read her testimony. In one email, she captured the essence of what we are teaching. Her application has resulted in this victorious result, and we rejoice with her. This is truly a blessing. Her sensitivity to God and willingness to introduce these small changes has shifted some of the unnecessary burdens off her marriage. Though they both were going through so much, they kept their deep faith and endurance. 

Of course, like everyone they will have their ups and downs, but now they have the tools to get off the Crazy Cycle. They will have ongoing pressures that will wear them down, but I know that through love and respect they can make it! They simply need to stay the course. 

Have you discovered yet how the “secret” of love and respect can provide the miracle your marriage may need too?