Four Questions to Ask Yourself When Disagreeing with Your Spouse

You’ve likely heard me talk about “when the issue is no longer the issue.” For instance, what began as a discussion about where to go on this year’s summer vacation has suddenly become a shouting match about why one of you “always has the final say?” and which one of you “works hard all week to make the money to pay for this vacation!” before ending with someone storming off while screaming, “There’s just no winning with you!” And just like that, different opinions on vacation (which are normal and should certainly be allowed) have resulted in both spouses feeling unloved and completely disrespected. The issue is no longer the issue.

Related to this, when it comes to our desires and needs, I believe there are four underlying values driving them at all times: sustenance, security, satisfaction, and significance (the four S’s). Even when we are in disagreement with our spouse, most goodwilled couples will still be able to find common factors concerning these four values. So when different opinions have catapulted you and your spouse into a knockdown drag-out fight (when the issue is no longer the issue), will you be able to go back to the real issue at heart (the underlying value of sustenance, security, satisfaction, and/or significance) and find the necessary common ground to find win-win?

To help you find this common ground when in disagreement with your spouse, consider these four questions:

Sustenance

To figure out the value underneath what they want, ask yourself, “Does my spouse want this because they feel they lack sustenance and provision, and in getting this it gives them food, shelter, clothing, or medical care?”

Security

To figure out the value underneath what they want, ask yourself, “Does my spouse want this because they feel they lack security and protection, and, in getting this, it gives them safety and stability?”

Satisfaction

To figure out the value underneath what they want, ask yourself, “Does my spouse want this because they feel they lack satisfaction and pleasure, and in getting this it gives them gratification, ease, or reward?” (Ease means less annoyance and anxiety over the less-efficient ways of the past.)

Significance

To figure out the value underneath what they want, ask yourself, “Does my spouse want this because they feel they lack significance and purpose, and in getting this it gives them worth, influence, and meaning?”

By building a habit of asking the right questions about underlying values when disagreeing about important issues, you will keep “the main thing the main thing” and better avoid the Crazy Cycle that revs up whenever a couple allows the issue to no longer be the issue.

Ready to check your own mindset in a disagreement? Take the self-assessment in Can You Make These Four Statements When Disagreeing?