Can You Make These Four Statements When Disagreeing?

No two people will agree with each other all the time. Not two best friends. Not twin sisters. And not any husband and wife team in the history of the world. So when you find yourself in disagreement with your spouse, this should not trouble you. Conflict doesn’t mean the marriage is in trouble. And disagreement doesn’t mean you married the wrong person.

What’s most important in the moment of the disagreement is the attitude and motivation you bring to the discussion. Are you being manipulative? Are you overreacting? Are you keeping in mind the underlying core values that are driving both of you in your opinions?

To gauge how healthy or unhealthy your mindset is when in disagreement with your spouse, consider these four statements and answer them honestly:

1. I am not trying to get 100 percent of what I want, at least not coercively.

Yes, I want what I want but not by manipulating things so that I alone get what I want and you do not get what you want. I intend to bring this attitude to our disagreements.

1 – I can never say this · 2 – I can rarely say this · 3 – I can sometimes say this · 4 – I can often say this · 5 – I can always say this

2. My intent is not to overreact and make you feel unloved and disrespected.

Though I get defensive when feeling I may not get what I want, hopefully that only happens in the initial moments of our disagreement. I am not trying to send a message when I defensively react that I do not care about you feeling unloved and disrespected during this disagreement. I may be inappropriately selfish for a moment, but I do not intend to be unloving and disrespectful.

1 – I can never say this · 2 – I can rarely say this · 3 – I can sometimes say this · 4 – I can often say this · 5 – I can always say this

3. We need to first know our underlying values driving our desires and needs when we disagree (otherwise both of us may miss what is really going on here).

Though we may disagree, for example, when deciding whether to buy a new vehicle or new home, the deeper values at play here is the belief that these will result in greater sustenance, security, satisfaction, and significance. However, some of this can be superficial. I need to grow up since I am to bring my identity in Christ to my new car and home, not derive my identity from my new car and home. Not everything is superficial, though. We could desire a new car and home for greater safety/security. So, when we disagree about the type of vehicle to buy or the neighborhood in which we should live, we need to consider the deeper value and find common ground due to that value.

1 – I can never say this · 2 – I can rarely say this · 3 – I can sometimes say this · 4 – I can often say this · 5 – I can always say this

4. Honoring our underlying values allows for healthy brainstorming and sets the stage for finding a win-win.

Once we recognize our underlying values, we can brainstorm the best ways to fulfill these. Is that which I want right now going to provide me with greater sustenance, security, satisfaction, or significance? Or, is there another choice to consider that achieves one of these four S’s? And, does that new choice achieve a win-win between us since it fulfills one of our deepest values? For instance, the disagreement is less about buying a truck, SUV, or van but about which of these best achieves our values for security, both personally and familially, over the next couple of years. Therefore we allow the entire family to rank how they feel each of these three helps us achieve these deeper values and then we decide from there. Though Dad rated the truck highest and Mom rated the SUV highest, might the family together rank the van highest?

1 – I can never say this · 2 – I can rarely say this · 3 – I can sometimes say this · 4 – I can often say this · 5 – I can always say this

Total up your scores. If you rated yourself 16 points or above, you are doing well!

New to the four S’s? Start with Four Questions to Ask Yourself When Disagreeing with Your Spouse.