3 Steps to Reigniting Your Husband’s Love for You

A wife who has been married for twenty years to a loving, goodwilled husband and father (her words!) found herself suddenly struggling to understand how their relationship had gone south. She wrote, “We have always had what I considered a very stable, unconditionally loving marriage. I have never doubted or questioned how much my husband loved me.” 

But during the pandemic-related stresses that hit many marriages and families in 2020 and 2021, something changed but she didn’t know what. She wrote: 

In May of 2021 I was suffering and trying to get him to notice. Instead of being the more mature person and realizing my behavior, I just punished him because I wasn’t feeling loved, noticed, or appreciated. I put everything I had into making sure my family was okay, but I lost myself and was not treating my husband in a very respectful way. Ironically I read your book probably ten years ago when my kids were little and always tried to practice your principles. Sadly I know I failed during these past months, however I never considered that my behavior and words would cause him to question his love for me, because I had always been so secure. How could I be so wrong? He is not a good communicator and never told me he was unhappy. In fact during these last few months I knew we were on a crazy cycle, but never considered his heart would go empty and his love would disappear. I was so naive! Now I’m afraid it’s too late.  

I asked my husband if he was happy and he said no and that he wasn’t sure if he sees a future with me. I’m scared and desperate to save my marriage. I know only God can change his empty heart! He is still loving towards me in that he says he loves me, he’s kind, but there is no intimacy right now. I just want him to hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay and we will make it through this, but he doesn’t because I know he doesn’t know. I am praying so much and trusting in Jesus, but I am very afraid. I will do anything to keep my family together. I know I can only control myself, but I’m really worried it’s too late. I pray that an empty heart can change.  

Stories like these are more common than many realize. Too often we classify marriages as either strong and thriving or in shambles because of immoralities like adultery and abuse. But what about the millions who find themselves in between? Those who have remained committed to each other, who love each other, who would never dream of hurting each other . . . yet something is off. The passion you had at the beginning is waning. The petty differences you had previously adjusted to and learned how to work around are now more annoying than they used to be. Suddenly you find yourself wondering if you’d be happier elsewhere. Is this the life you really want to have for the next twenty, forty, or fifty years? Does God even want you to live like this? Maybe you’re willing to stay for the sake of the kids, but what about when they’re out of the home? How long before you decide enough is enough and get out of this marriage?

Let’s start with some great news in both the above marriage and millions of others feeling similarly, including possibly you. There’s been no adultery. There’s no abuse going on that requires some major third-party intervention. These two things alone are reason for great hope! The framework we’re dealing with involves two committed, goodwilled, loving spouses. That’s a great place to start!

Clearly, successful relationships require two people working toward a common goal. If I were sitting in a room with both of them, I would counsel both on what to try doing. However, the wife who wrote me was absolutely correct when she said, “I know I can only control myself.” So here I want to address the wife who finds herself in a marriage like the one described above. Things had been moving along so well. Where did they get off? What can be done?

Well, for starters, decide that you will be the mature one, and move first. Because you can only control yourself, not your spouse.

“Okay, Emerson, I’ll move first. I’ll be the mature one. But what do I do?” I’m glad you asked! I would strongly advise you to follow closely three simple steps.

In Titus 2:4, Paul instructs the older women to “encourage the young women to love their husbands.” This is an example where an understanding of the original Greek really opens our eyes to what God is telling us in His Word. As I’ve said many times, women love to love. They don’t have to be commanded to love their husbands. They do this naturally. But if this is true, then why would the young wives Paul is thinking of need to be encouraged to love their husbands? Didn’t they already love them?

The word Paul used for “love” here is phileo, which refers to a brotherly kind of love. He knew the wives didn’t need to be encouraged to agape-love (love unconditionally) their husbands; they did this naturally. But do they love their husband as a friend? Do they come alongside him as his helper-suitable and just enjoy his company? Do they enjoy participating in day-to-day life with him? This is the kind of love that Paul knew did not come natural for these wives, so that is why he encouraged the older wives in the church to help them in this.

And that is why in cases like with the wife who wrote me, I oftentimes say to them: “I want you to do three things over the next six weeks”:

1) Be friendly.

2) Be friendly.

3) Be friendly.

P.S. Did I mention “be friendly”?

I predict that the husband’s perspective in situations like these is somewhat simple. "She does not like me. I can never be good enough. I am less important than the kids. Fact is, we are not friends. She is more negative with me and about me, than positive with me and about me. The best friend I had in her left me several years into the birth of our first child. I was in the picture but not the focus of her life. I was here for her, she was not really here for me."

But here’s the thing. No goodwilled wife thinks or feels this. She envisions herself totally focused on her husband and his needs, though admittedly the kids interfere and end up draining her. She assumes he is understanding and accepting. And, he is. But as the years roll by, he slowly realizes that the woman he dated who looked up to him, admired him, listened to him dream about his life and purpose, is no longer there. Instead, he feels that his role is to hear her burdens and either listen with understanding and empathy, or solve the problem with the teenager, and help her with the household needs.

Bottom line: he misses his friend. In fact, in my book Love & Respect, I shared that one of the six ways a husband desires to be respected by his wife is through relationship, or shoulder-to-shoulder activities. Men absolutely thrive when his wife joins his side in an activity he enjoys!

One wife I know decided to go deer hunting with her husband. After she helped him set up the deer blind, they both sat there in close quarters for hours waiting for a deer to prance by. They saw nothing, they shot at nothing, and they said nothing. But when they walked back down the trail toward their truck, her husband turned to her and said, “This was awesome!”

This is the way to a man’s heart! When his wife seeks to be his friend again, doing what he enjoys doing and even sitting with him shoulder to shoulder while watching a sporting event, saying nothing except in response to what he says, as the weeks roll by he says to himself, "What is she up to? Why is she doing this? It feels good, really good, but when will this stop?" He may get grumpy to test you. But don’t take the bait. Instead, stay positive and friendly, as though he is a customer, neighbor, or stranger the church has asked you to house. 

Though this analogy doesn't fully work since he is your lover, not a stranger, I mention it so as to bring up that, for obvious reasons, you do not turn to these individuals for reassurance that you are loved. That would be out of place, right? So for six weeks I would encourage you to view the seeking of reassurance from your husband as also out of place. 

I admit, this isn't fair. But we’re not looking for fairness here, but for a way to turn this ship around. Your friendliness, without talking about your feelings or his feelings, is the way forward. If he talks about his feelings, refrain from talking about yours except that you have failed to honor him, and then leave it at that. Men are simple (but not simpletons). Honor them and treat them justly, and they will soften, serve, and connect . . . eventually.

So today, remember this: be friendly. Next week, try this: be friendly. The week after that (and for six weeks straight), don’t veer from the path: be friendly.

Stir your husband’s love for you by stirring him at the core of his heart—where he simply wants to be assured that you still phileo-love him the way you did when you were younger.