Conference Notebook - Digital Download (Old)

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

God is good and wants what is best for us.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.