Conference Notebook - Digital Download (Old)

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

We are equal but we are not the same.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.