Conference Notebook - Digital Download (Old)

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.