Conference Notebook - Digital Download (Old)

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Your words reveal your heart.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.