Living Above The Bar

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

We are equal but we are not the same.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.