Love & Respect Live Conference Notebook

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”