You Still Control the Secret to the Chemistry in Your Marriage

Whenever we talk about "chemistry" between a man and a woman, many of us envision an igniting of romantic passions that give birth to incredible emotional bonding. Not only are we attracted to each other physically, but as we share heart to heart, we are stunned with delight by how we feel, think, and act alike. It is as though God aligned the stars for us. The heavens predetermined our oneness. It is love at first sight. We found our soul mate. 

In science, a chemical reaction is the joining of one chemical with another chemical, and these transform into a third substance. Two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen combine to make H₂O, or water. It is a natural law. It happens in a nanosecond. In romance, it is a "me" coming together with another "me," and whamo! there is a "we." It is meant to be. It feels natural. It is effortless. A match made in heaven. It is easy peasy. 

Why then does the chemistry decrease after several years, if not several months or even weeks? Though some couples maintain the chemistry, others say at some point, "This relationship was a mistake. The flame went out. We didn't have the kind of chemistry we thought. We lost the spark.” Or, "I should never have married that person; it was all hormonal."

There is a reasonable explanation for what is going on, but rarely do people pause long enough to consider the facts.

Physical Chemistry and Social Chemistry

There are two kinds of chemistry: physical chemistry and social chemistry. 

As for the physical chemistry, what we see attracts us. The face's symmetry, the smile and white teeth, beautiful eyes, the breast size, height, muscular frame, hair color, smell, and so on. The guy exclaims to others, "She's gorgeous!" and the gal screams to her girlfriends, "He's so cute!" Each is sensually and sexually attracted to the other. This pull is hormonal. Such chemicals as testosterone come into play. There is physiological arousal. It need not be lustful, but it is sensual. God designed the wonder of this. We read in Song of Solomon 1:16 the woman exclaiming, "How handsome you are, my beloved." In 5:16, she states, "he is wholly desirable." We read his reaction to her in 2:14:  "Let me see your form . . . your form is lovely."

The second aspect is the social chemistry. Few people pay close attention to the dynamic of this social chemistry. Unlike the unchangeable features of our physique, which God created in the womb, and about which we have little say in determining, the social dimensions are the result of choices the individual makes. Few realize the extent to which the social chemistry they have with another is the result of their own determination, not God's predetermination. This is God’s formula for a successful marriage and is found in Ephesians 5:33, where Scripture commands the husband to love his wife and the wife to respect her husband. 

Social chemistry (the heart-to-heart bonding) does not cause the romantic love and respect in the relationship. More accurately, it is the man and woman’s choice to love and respect each other that produces the social and romantic chemistry that excites them. 

The social element entails our character, choice, and conduct. An astute observer would watch two people listen, empathize, affirm, validate, accept, laugh, invite to fun, accommodate, share, apologize, and so forth. These various elements are the result of free-will choices. Those who keep acting and reacting in ways that feel loving and respectful keep the sparks flying. 

Then What Goes Wrong with the “Chemistry”?

Unfortunately, we don't keep acting and reacting this way. Why? Initially, two things happen interpersonally. One, we put our best foot forward with no missteps. We act and react in loving and respectful ways, as we attempt to look our best for the other person. We are energized and motivated for them to see the best version of ourselves. We make all the right choices within a short time frame. Added to this, it is a time of discovery, so we withdraw from the stresses and strains to unearth all there is to know about that person. 

Two, we project onto the other person that they are nearly perfect, or at least perfect for us. That conclusion is not hard to make since they put their best foot forward with no slip-ups. They, too, are acting and reacting in loving and respectful ways. They yearn for us to see the best version of themselves. 

The guy acts like the perfect Adam in the Garden of Eden, and she sees him as the perfect Adam. The gal responds like the perfect Eve, and he sees her as the ideal Eve. It feels like a romantic paradise! They have to pinch themselves. It is too good to be true.

And that's because it is. We live in a fallen world outside the Garden of Eden. Unexpected troubles come at us sideways. The Bible teaches in 1 Corinthians 7:28, "if you marry, you have not sinned. . . . Yet such will have trouble in this life." Soon enough this couple encounters hurts, frustrations, and anger.

For example, there is a mix-up about the time of a school play event for their niece. He thought it was at 8:30 p.m., but it had been changed to 7:30. She had mentioned the time change, but he didn't listen. His lateness hurt, frustrated, and angered her when he walked into the gym as the play was finishing up. She ached for her niece who had been looking forward to her favorite uncle being in attendance. His tardiness was the third mix-up they had in the last six weeks about when he was to arrive for an event. Why didn't he listen to her? Is he punctuality challenged? Is this going to be a new problem for them? Will he continue to disappoint people like this? Does he care? Yes, he's an emergency room doctor, but there's a limit to what she can take.

Or, she had talked to him about wanting to budget better the income she makes from her part-time business, so he helped her set up a simple online system. A couple of weeks in he asked, "How's that online budget going?" She answered, "Oh, I decided not to do that right now since it is Christmas and I know I will spend more than may be right. But I love to give gifts to friends and family, which will be more extravagant than it ought to be.” Her comment bewilders him. What's the point of establishing a budget if during Christmas one intends to ignore a structured plan when it is inconvenient to follow? In their relationship moving forward, is this how she will respond to his input and counsel? There is a check in his spirit about her.

With several episodes like the above, the social chemistry between them diminishes. Fabulous feelings are replaced by frustrated feelings. She doesn't feel heard, understood, validated, or accommodated. He doesn't feel accepted, affirmed, or humored. Eventually, both share unfavorable thoughts. Neither are quick to apologize. Both justify themselves and place blame on the other, just as Adam and Eve succumbed to this tendency in the Garden.

You get the picture. 

The social chemistry between them shrinks.

Both ask, "What's going on? Why are they treating me this way? Soul mates don't treat each other like this. This relationship shouldn't be so hard. We shouldn't even be having these troubles in the first place."

But No One Was Ever or Will Ever Be Perfect

However, we learn from the Scriptures a couple of things. One, there is no perfect person, so there will be a measure of character flaws. Ecclesiastes 7:20 says, "Indeed, there is not a righteous man on earth who continually does good and who never sins." Two, there will be pink and blue differences that arise because we have different passions and priorities as male and female. God made us male and female, which means many times there is no sin involved, just an honest difference based on our pink and blue leanings.

As for making the right choices, no one can love and respect flawlessly. No one can choose to be perfect. The question that arises is, what amount of imperfection is acceptable? If there are immoral choices due to a serious character defect, this is a red flag. Even if he only murdered three people over ten years, yet conducted himself as a perfect gentleman with you, he is still a murderer. Morality matters. 

But most of us are not dating a serial killer. Our conflicts arise over clashing preferences. She clashes with him over being late to their niece's Christmas play. He did not sin since as an ER physician emergencies mess with his schedule. But her nurturing concern for their niece and the expectation this little girl had weighs deeply on her heart. She knows how a little pink will think. 

On the other side, he struggles with her over her disregard of his budgeting input. Though she did not sin per se since her new income enables her to make such expenditures and more, he believes in being a good steward of our resources. Seeing himself responsible for their overall provisions, this is his blue view. Who is right? The answer is probably "yes." Neither are wrong. Unfortunately, both react in ways that feel unloving and disrespectful, and this keeps happening. The social chemistry between them begins to wane. They feel it shouldn't be this hard.

‍What Can We Do?

This is why all of us need to recognize that we are in the driver's seat and we can keep the social chemistry alive and well as long as we prepare for six areas of conflict:

• needs
• vulnerabilities
• disagreements 
• disappointments 
• insecurities 
• hardships 

Successful couples prepare for these six areas and remain unthreatened by:

• an honorable duty to meet a need
• a spouse's weakness that we do not have
• honest differences of opinion 
• sorrow over unfulfilled expectations 
• inward feelings of inadequacy 
• circumstantial adversities

Yes, successful couples are hurt, frustrated, and angered when one of these six realities hits the relationship. They are not impervious to becoming upset. But when these are not immoral but everyday preferences that clash, they continue to demonstrate the demeanor of love and respect as they deal with their pink and blue differences. They do not take up an offense and react with hostility and contempt. They stay the course on behaving as they did in courtship. It takes discipline, but it works. 

• They respond to the request, "I have a need that only you can meet. Please meet this need."
• They empathize with the other's susceptibilities since they, too, have them, albeit elsewhere.
• They seek win-win solutions when disagreeing. 
• They see the strengths and goodwill of the other though disappointed in other areas. 
• When feeling insecure, they do not derive their self from the other's image of them. 
• During misfortune, they allow the other to coach and cheer them to trust God. 

Here's the secret. The social chemistry doesn't cause them to apply love and respect in a wise and skilled way, but their prudence and know-how in applying love and respect cause the social chemistry. I am amazed at how people miss this. In those first days of courtship, social chemistry happened because they acted in ways that felt loving and respectful to each other. But nothing tested their sincerity. Their true character, conduct, and choices came out when they became hurt, frustrated, and angered by the ongoing vulnerabilities of one's spouse, disagreements with a spouse, disappointments in a mate, insecurities from a spouse, and hardships alongside a partner. 

Does it appear to you that the chemistry that was once there in the beginning of the relationship has fizzled out and disappeared? Try honestly evaluating the level and skill to which love and respect are being applied today versus back then. Do you truly believe the chemistry is gone forever, or might you simply need to combine one part love with one part respect?