Why One Husband Struggles With Being the Spiritual Leader

A Husband's Story: Why He Struggles Being the Spiritual Leader

My wife and I have been really struggling with our communication and our relationship; feels like we are two ships sailing in the night, which concerns me. I know I am responsible for what comes out of my mouth, which reveals what is in my heart. I have been trying to take responsibility for that and ask for forgiveness. My wife has a tendency to yell, raise her voice at me, look at me with anger, whenever she feels like I am doing something wrong or unjust. This affects our relationship with each other, our relationship with the kids, and the home environment.

I have been advised by my spiritual mentors that I should be heading and leading the home as the Lord commands me to. And that specifically I need to address and draw boundaries for anger in the home. I have not been doing that. While I don't often get "visibly" angry, it doesn't mean there is no anger and unloving thoughts in my heart towards my wife. What comes out of my mouth reveals what's in my heart, and it's usually anger, annoyance, frustrations, and I'm reacting because I feel disrespected.

I do not know how to address this issue where my wife gets angry at me, sometimes yelling at me, in front of the children. I naturally feel deflated inside. I know I can't "react" to her in anger, but I really have no idea how to do as the Proverbs 15 says: "give a gentle answer." When she starts getting angry at me, the feelings of disrespect can swell up instantaneously. I'm not thinking "oh my dear bride, my dear wife." My heart is upset. So it seems to me that I need to calmly leave the room, compose myself, beg God for the help I need to think clearly and to love her. Then calmly re-enter the room, and say something like, "when you are ready to not yell (or be angry) at me, I am ready to talk?" It seems to me that I lack the courage to "stand-up" in a loving way to my dear wife, but for the glory of God I need to be. Complacency seems to come so naturally to me as a man, and there is no excuse; I think it's no wonder how Adam just looked on when Eve was being tempted and sinned.

An Open Letter to All Wives

Let's take what this husband said above and write this to all wives, including you, given you see similarities in your marriage.

Dear Wives,

I am writing to you today to share my heart, hoping you will understand the silent struggles many husbands endure. I find myself at a crossroads in my marriage, feeling lost and unsure of how to navigate the stormy seas of our relationship. My wife and I are like two ships passing in the night, and the lack of communication is tearing us apart.

I know that what comes out of my mouth reveals what is in my heart. I take responsibility for my words and actions, and I have been trying to seek forgiveness when I fall short. But there's something that I need you to understand about the effect your anger has on me and our family.

When you raise your voice at me, when you look at me with anger, it feels like a dagger to my heart. It happens often when you feel I have done something wrong or unjust. Your yelling and angry expressions not only hurt me but also affect our children and the entire atmosphere of our home. It's not just the loud words; it's the look in your eyes that leaves me feeling disrespected and deflated.

I have been advised by spiritual mentors that I should lead our home as the Lord commands, to address and set boundaries for anger. But I confess, I have not done this effectively. My natural tendency is to avoid conflict, much like Adam did when Eve was tempted. I know this complacency is not an excuse, and I must find the courage to change. While I may not often display visible anger, it doesn't mean I am free from it. Inside, I struggle with unloving thoughts and feelings of frustration. When you lash out, it triggers an instant response in me. I feel disrespected, and my heart hardens. In those moments, I am not thinking of you as my dear wife; my thoughts are clouded by hurt and upset. I know Proverbs 15 teaches us to give a gentle answer to turn away wrath, but in the heat of the moment, that wisdom often escapes me. Instead, I feel overwhelmed and unsure of how to respond without escalating the situation. I find myself needing to leave the room to calm down and seek God's help to think clearly and love you as I should.

I believe I lack the courage to stand up lovingly and set these boundaries for the glory of God. I need to develop the strength to say calmly, "When you are ready to talk without yelling or anger, I am ready to listen." This approach requires me to step out of my comfort zone and face the conflict with grace and dignity.

Please understand that your anger, though perhaps stemming from frustration and hurt, has a profound impact on me. It leaves me feeling shell-shocked, much like a soldier who has faced repeated battles without respite. Your expressions of anger may not be intended to harm, but they do, deeply. For our marriage to heal and for our home to be a place of peace, it is crucial that we both react and respond differently. I am committed to learning how to lead with love and to address issues with gentleness and respect. I ask that you also consider how your words and actions affect me.

I know you might feel justified in your anger, and there are times when your feelings are valid. But we must find a way to express these emotions with greater self-control, dignity, and respect. Together, we can create an environment where both of us feel heard, valued, and loved. Let us both strive to reflect Christ's love in our marriage, showing each other the grace and respect we desire. With God's help, we can navigate these troubled waters and find the peace and unity we long for.

With hope and love,

A Husband Trying to Do What Is Right

Six Takeaways for Wives from "A Husband’s Plea for Understanding"

1. Understand the Deep Impact of Anger:

Your expressions of anger, whether through yelling or angry looks, can deeply wound your husband. These actions leave him feeling disrespected and deflated, which can significantly harm your relationship and the emotional atmosphere of your home. Recognize that even if your anger stems from frustration and hurt, its impact on your husband is profound and damaging.

2. Recognize the Struggle with Leadership:

Your husband acknowledges his responsibility to lead the family spiritually and to set boundaries for anger. However, he struggles with complacency and conflict avoidance, feeling unsure of how to address these issues effectively. Understanding this can help you support him in his efforts to step up as a spiritual leader in a loving and respectful manner.

3. Acknowledge His Efforts and Vulnerability:

Your husband is trying to take responsibility for his words and actions, seeking forgiveness when he falls short. He feels overwhelmed and lacks the know-how to respond calmly in the heat of the moment. Recognize his vulnerability and efforts, and appreciate his desire to improve and lead the family with love and gentleness.

4. Consider the Effects on the Children:

The conflict between you and your husband, especially when it involves yelling and visible anger, affects your children and the overall home environment. It is crucial to model respectful and loving behavior, as children learn from observing their parents. Strive to create a peaceful and nurturing atmosphere for your family.

5. Commit to Mutual Respect and Self-Control:

For your marriage to heal and thrive, both partners must react and respond with greater self-control, dignity, and respect. Your husband needs you to recognize the impact of your anger and to express your emotions in a healthier way. By working together and seeking God's guidance, you can create a loving and respectful environment where both of you feel valued and heard.

6. Turn to a third party for counseling and coaching. 

With the encouragement from a counselor type, you can better understand your husband's perspective. As unfair as this may appear to you since you feel your husband triggers most of your negative reactions since he fails to listen and act as you deem reasonable, this approach I recommend empowers you. When you read the letter from this husband, you could tell that he sincerely wants to do what is right. Given you have a similar husband, then applying these takeaways enables you to open him up tenderly to you and respond to your requests. There will never be a perfect harmony, since he will forever have shortcomings or fail to meet your expectations, but practicing this approach removes the moments of contempt and hostility from you that only damage, never heal. 

You certainly need to realize that this wife's anger and yelling motivated the husband to withdraw, be passive, and lack courage in addressing the issues in front of them. Counseling can provide a neutral space for both of you to express your feelings and learn healthier ways to communicate and resolve conflicts, fostering a more harmonious and respectful relationship.