Why Does a Wife Not Hear That Her Husband Needs Respect?

The idea of unconditional respect for the husband has always been the Love and Respect message’s unique feature, based on Ephesians 5:33. Many books stress Paul’s instruction for husbands to love their wives (“each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself . . .”), but few spend equal space if any at all, to the rest of the verse (“. . . and the wife must respect her husband”).

Authors of marriage books are far from alone. Our culture continually stresses love and all but disregards the idea of unconditional respect. The Beatles sang “All You Need Is Love.” The couples in the Hallmark movies always end with both the man and the woman reemphasizing their unconditional love toward the other. And nowhere will you find a Valentine’s Day card that says “Baby, I respect you.”

What all of this means is that in most every marriage, the wife enters the relationship not fully aware of her husband’s need for respect, and who is vulnerable when that need is neglected as unimportant, just as her need for love was designed in her as a female, and she finds herself vulnerable when he dismisses her need for love as whining. What makes this even more challenging, many times, not even the husband is aware of this need in him or has not been able to voice it before, since “love” has been the world’s emphasized teaching all of his life. 

I have found that a husband who has trouble communicating how he feels disrespected and a wife who struggles with learning how best to apply respect can result in these situations. As a result of both trying to learn this new language of respect, after a lifetime of only “speaking love,” as well as attempting to navigate through their pink and blue differences as men and women, many good-willed couples end up as frustrated as this one. A husband wrote to me recently:

I have tried to communicate my need for respect, even before I read your book. I have often told her she doesn't respect me. I admit the way I have been approaching this with her is wrong. I love her very much, and she loves me very much also. We are a newly married couple. My question is this: She asks me what she has to say and do. I tell her what I am looking for and what she can do. I feel like I am treating her like a child, teaching her what to do and say. How can I communicate my needs without being demeaning? What can I do? She loves me, and I love her. I have asked her what I can do to "love" her better, and she has no response. Nothing? Not one thing? Why is this? I get so frustrated and upset, and you guessed it, the crazy cycle! She shuts down. I shut down. We both look at one another and look and look, and I think of what I want to say to get her to understand. I ask why she doesn't get it?

“Why doesn’t my wife get it?” he asks. Why doesn’t she not only near his need for respect but understand how she can help him feel respected? 

I have often compared speaking “Love-Talk” and “Respect-Talk” to speaking two completely different languages. Because, in fact, they truly are. And that is how men and women should approach how they handle speaking, interpreting, and teaching the two different languages in their relationship. Imagine a high school French teacher who has no patience for her English-speaking students attempting to learn the foreign language—chiding them when they misspeak, cutting them down when they are slow to learn, and offering little grace as they develop the new skill. Such a teacher would become incredibly unpopular and increase tenfold the number of students choosing to learn Spanish instead! 

So can be the case when a wife does not hear her husband’s need for respect or struggles to understand his language. Could it be that her “teacher” is acting as this husband is, who:

1. Told her often that she is disrespectful. 
2. Told her this in a way that is anything but humble, tender, and loving.
3. Is not helping her in practical ways to show respect when she asks.
4. Is not allowing her to struggle with applying respect since it isn’t in her nature.
5. Is not allowing her to question if this need for respect is a bit egotistical.
6. When talking with her about his need, is getting so frustrated that he demeans her and makes her feel like a child.
7. Is lacking empathy toward her for not understanding the respect side of the equation since she struggles with not understanding her own needs.
8. Is lacking empathy toward her quieter personality, if she has such a temperament.
9. Is letting her quietness provoke unloving reactions, putting the two of them on the Crazy Cycle.
10. Is communicating an attitude that she has a learning disability (“she doesn’t get it”).

When a husband does any number of the above, should it be to anyone’s surprise that she is not hearing his communication about his need for respect?

For the husband and wife having difficulty understanding each other’s language, especially the often-ignored Respect-Talk, it’s important to always keep in mind three vital truths for better communication.

1. In any marriage, what comes out of the mouth of each spouse matters. Jesus put it quite clearly: out of your mouth comes that which fills the heart (Luke 6:45). Are you labeling your spouse as “disrespectful” or “unloving”? Are you demeaning them when they don’t understand your language? Your spouse’s response didn’t cause you to be angry; it revealed the anger already inside you. This is a heart issue to work out in you.

2. Husbands and wives are very different, as different as the colors pink and blue. It is crucial for husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both are very different—in body function, outlook, and perspective. This means a husband cannot speak to his wife the same way he speaks to his golf buddies. The way you approach their struggles and weaknesses and how they are currently upsetting you, will not work with your wife. She is pink; they are blue. Learn her language.

3. When your spouse has those inevitable moments of pique, anger, or nastiness, you must still see your spouse as a good-willed person. Your spouse may fail to be loving or respectful, but you still trust your spouse’s good intentions. You know that your spouse does not have evil will toward you or ultimately mean to do any harm.  

As you navigate your way through learning your spouse’s language, and allowing them to learn yours, keep these three truths in mind. And most importantly, have an abundance of grace toward the learning curve. This just may be the first time the language of respect has even been considered.