When We Address a Man’s Needs, Why Do Some Women Hijack the Discussion? Part 2
In part 1, we talked about the tendency some women have to hijack a conversation about men needing respect and making it all about their needs as women. These women are not mean-spirited but they take over the conversation and completely ignore the male’s need. Some recent Facebook interactions I had provide a great example of this.
Last week I posted three articles on Facebook. The first two challenged the husband (reaching together nearly 500,000 people). I titled them:
Hijackers did not chime in and claim that I was being unfair to men! Rarely do the hijackers side with the men.
Then I posted the following, which ignited a firestorm:
Men need to feel respected during conflict more than they need to feel loved. This does not mean men do not need love . . . men know deep down that their wives love them, but they are not always sure that their wives respect them.
In only a few hours, this reached 250,000 people with 150 comments, and it is still climbing.
THE HIJACKING COMMENTS
Immediately the default mode kicked in for the hijackers, who couldn’t resist making comments:
- Please stop it with the respecting a man, what about respecting the woman???
- Give her something to respect!
- Respect is both ways. If a man respects me, I will respect him. He disrespects, I will do the same.
- But men need to respect women also. How can women respect men if they will not show respect to a women? Vice versa.
- I am a woman and I feel the same way!!!!
- You want respect, give respect.
- At the same time they must respect that our emotions are valid and not just shut down or give up and use it as an excuse to do whatever because it won’t matter anyway.
- It doesn't matter how much respect you give to some men, in the end they will betray you.
- Maybe they should respect us women to earn respect back.
- Give me something to respect and I will respect you 24/7.
- I have a problem with the fact that anyone thinks that men AND women don’t deserve an equal amount of love AND respect.
- I'm not debating what the Word of God says, I'm simply saying it would be nice if a post said "Husbands, respect your wives."
- Most of my life I have been the carpet men chose to walk on. . . . All men are not like that. I have a son-in-law who respects my daughter to the highest level.
- I say women deserve more respect than men do . . .
What do these comments have to do with the actual post, which is about a man’s need for respect? Nothing was written about women not needing respect. But immediately these commenters made the focus all about the woman.
DIFFERENT FELT NEEDS
I have repeatedly shared my research. We asked this question of seven thousand people: “When in a conflict with your spouse do you feel unloved or disrespected at that moment?” Eighty-three percent of the men said they felt disrespected and 72 percent of the women said they felt unloved.
As I constantly say, “Love and Respect is a TRUE and equal need among men and women."
However, during conflict the FELT need is as different as night is from day.
For example, most men see things through the respect lens in a way that most women are not seeing during the conflict. Thus, she does not see herself as disrespectful though he feels disrespected! On the other side, most women view things through the love lens in a way that most men are not viewing during the conflict. Thus, he does not see himself as unloving though she feels unloved. Herein lies the challenge in marriage!
Even so, there is no hint of interest in wondering why such a post might be written. Could there be a degree of intelligence behind the post? Is there a helpful point being made about the masculine soul? Instead like clockwork there are a few women who whenever we take a picture of the husband, these ladies jump into the scene and start clicking away with selfies. They push the man off stage and turn the lights on themselves.
Again, though, because they care, have fear, and feel a measure of anger, they don’t see what they are doing. In having a good motive to reach men, their method pushes the men away.
Their virtue blinds them to their vice. The hijackers need to see this since the relentless complaints and criticisms won’t engage the male to hear their hearts. These engulf and deluge the male who feels outnumbered and overwhelmed. The men exit Facebook and don’t return. This withdrawal of the men is the opposite of what these women deeply hope and pray for. But even in making this point the hijacker blames the man for ejecting rather than changing course and addressing what the male feels as a standalone discussion.
WOMEN WHO GET IT
Did all the women say such things? No. In fact, the vast majority of mature and discerning women recognize we are providing a glimpse into the male soul about his need for respect. Most recognized that we were trying to help all of us understand the male’s temperament during conflict . . . why he acts and reacts the way he does.
One lady countered this chorus of well-meaning complainers. She called for all the readers to get back on topic! "I think we are getting off topic . . . the subject was about men and their need for respect. . . . It wasn't necessarily about men/women/equality/who should respect who . . ."
Another lady commented, “Isn't it odd that when this is posted, women immediately start posting ‘Well, as long HE respects ME!’”
Bravo to both these ladies! May their tribe increase!
What about the men? Did any respond? Several.
A man said, "With all the memes out there in support of women and what they need and want (which I support) why is it that when someone puts one meme that supports men's needs that some of you women take to automatically bashing men?"
Another man agreed. "True. The meme was talking about men's needs. There are many other memes from this ministry that address women's needs. Of course women need to be respected as well but this one was addressing men."
Still another captured it well. "What's wrong with reflecting on the man just for a moment?"
SHE GOT IT . . .
Then I read one comment from a lady who actually heard what I had said! I had made the point about a man needing respect from his wife during a conflict more than he needs her love. She understood my point! I was blessed as I read her words until I got to the end of her comment. She said, "If a man values respect more than love then he doesn't deserve my compassion!”