When the Mockingbird Finally Hears His Song

In a national study done years ago, four hundred men were asked to choose between one of two negative experiences: If you were forced to choose one of the following, which would you prefer to endure?

1. To be left alone and unloved in the world
2. To feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone

Would you believe that almost three-fourths (74 percent) of these men said that, if forced to choose, they would prefer being alone and unloved in the world?!

Chances are, if you are reading this now and are aghast that someone would make that choice, then you are a woman. And the reason you have such difficulty relating to such a decision by these men is because your mother-tongue is love. The language you exude all day, every day, is love, love, love. To be left alone and unloved? That would be unbearable to you!

And that is a good thing! A great thing, in fact. It’s the way God made you when He made you a woman. He designed you with a natural desire to love and to want to be loved. Love, as I like to say, is your native language. 

But it’s not a man’s native language. As much as culture tries to make it so, as natural as love is to a woman, men simply don’t have the same mother-tongue as the fairer sex. And sadly, many men will go decades before they hear for the first time ever their own native language being spoken to them. 

But when they finally do, it’s comparable to when the mockingbird learns his song! As one husband wrote me:

I have been told that the mockingbird, when born, doesn't know the song to sing...until another mockingbird comes along and sings the song! I believe you have hit it, as the word “Respect” jumped off the page of the front of the book! I purchased it and that night began to read. At 2:30 in the morning, I set the book down with a sense that I had found someone who understood the issues! I was overjoyed! In classic pattern, I read through books writing notes in pencil in the borders. As I read through the book, I took notes and left a Hansel and Gretel trail of crumbs of what I had seen. The next morning I suggested to my wife of sixteen years that she consider the book as well. What took her by surprise was the joy that I had in my voice and the sense of freedom (I am certain) of finding a flashlight in our dark cave.

Over twenty years ago, I had a similar experience when I read Ephesians 5:33 for the thousandth time yet truly understood it for perhaps the first time. In this verse, the apostle Paul shares, “However, each one of you also must love [agape] his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

Why is the wife not commanded to agape-love her husband? I wondered to myself. Does he not need her unconditional love? Of course he does. We all need love and respect equally. However, ask a husband if his wife loves him and he’ll say yes, absolutely. He knows she loves him. Like I said above, she exudes love. But ask a man if his wife likes him, and oftentimes the answer will be, “Nope. Not today, at least.” 

Interestingly, Titus 2:4 in the English tells young wives to love their husbands, so some folks immediately argue: you are wrong, Emerson.  Well, the word used here for “love” is phileo, meaning a brotherly love or friendship. To me the nuance is significant and reflects what wives mouth. “I love him but don’t like him.” And as their husbands would agree, when his wife doesn't like him, she is not being very friendly, though they know she still agape-loves him.

And too often, this husband then interprets his wife’s dislike for him as disrespect. And being deprived of the respect he so badly needs is like someone stepping on his air hose, depriving him of oxygen and causing him to suffocate.

Because it’s respect, not love, that is man’s deepest value, as shown unequivocally in the study I referenced earlier. While love is clearly a woman’s mother-tongue, and though culture has tried for probably most of time to convince man that all he needs is love as well (isn’t that what the Beatles told us?), they’ve completely missed the boat on the other half of Ephesians 5:33—the man’s mother-tongue, respect. 

Another husband who had attended numerous marriage seminars before attending his first Love and Respect Marriage Conference wrote:

While most marriage seminars concentrate on the husband’s need to love his wife unconditionally and sacrificially, few delve into the wife’s encouragement to respect her husband. Dr. Eggerichs understands this intrinsic need men have and how important the fulfillment of this need is to marriage communication. My wife and I heard things that explained why we “argue” and why we feel the way we feel. . . . I have never left a marriage seminar excited and encouraged about my marriage.

Again, the mockingbird finally heard his song! 

Ladies, has your husband heard his song of respect sung from your lips yet? Do you realize how much hearing his native language would energize him and motivate him to then speak to you in your native language of love?

In my book Love & Respect, I use the acronym C.H.A.I.R.S. to illustrate how to spell respect to a man. In short, C.H.A.I.R.S. means:

• Conquest—Appreciate his desire to work and achieve
• Hierarchy—Appreciate his desire to protect and provide
• Authority—Appreciate his desire to serve and to lead
• Insight—Appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel
• Relationship—Appreciate his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship
• Sexuality—Appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy

A husband is almost certainly assured of his wife’s love for him. Yet knowing this isn’t impacting his heart as such assurances impact his wife. But when a man is assured of his wife’s respect for who he is as a man and how she appreciates these six aspects about him . . . well, just wait and see what happens when the mockingbird finally hears his song!