When Disappointed in Our Spouse, Do We Address Their Conduct or Attack Their Character?

Husbands and wives are going to disagree . . . many times. They’re going to have arguments . . . many times. On top of that, husbands will disappoint wives, and wives will disappoint husbands, bringing reason for the offended or hurt spouse to broach a possibly sensitive or tough topic. 

I would dare say that, generally speaking, none of this is reason to believe there are marital problems but simply proof that two people are actually married. In 1 Corinthians 7:28, Paul warned the Corinthian believers that if they marry, they will have trouble, and the same warning applies today. Marriage comes with trouble, and that is okay! Oftentimes, being in conflict with your spouse just means you are right in the center of God’s will!

However, when we are hurt or offended, when we are in an argument or a disagreement with our spouse, how we react and what we say in these times is where we can get into real trouble. Because while we may be familiar with Proverbs 15:1—“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger”—not one of us is likely to be able to honestly say we have always given the “gentle answer.” No, sometimes that “harsh word” spills right out of our sinful heart, and now suddenly a simple conflict that had us both in the center of God’s will turns into a venom-spewing argument and a dizzying spin on the Crazy Cycle.

Oftentimes, we start off with the best of intentions. We begin by attempting to communicate that our spouse’s conduct frustrated or disappointed us, which we should be able to do in a loving and respectful marriage. But then the conversation becomes a bit heated, and we transition to saying their character frustrates us. We not only tell our spouse that what they did bothers us, we tell them that who they are as a human being bothers us. We spring from addressing their behavior to assassinating their character. 

If our spouse is uncorrupted in character—and I have no doubt the overwhelming majority of us would freely admit we are married to goodwilled people of high moral character—it is the better part of wisdom to avoid condemning their person and keep the focus on their actions. Generalizing about them being a bad person based on a particular activity can be unjust. A wife who spent a great deal of money at the store one day isn’t a wasteful spendthrift who carries no concern when it comes to spending money. She simply spent more than her husband cared her to, and he should address that one specific concern. Or a husband who opts to play eighteen holes on a Saturday afternoon with his buddies isn’t a selfish, wannabe bachelor who doesn’t care to spend any time with his family. He may simply just need to be reminded that his family would love to spend the day with him.

Yes, if they murdered someone, they are a murderer. If they keep on lying, they are a liar. But some of us say, "Because what you did at that moment felt unloving to me, you are an unloving, unfit human being." Why do we do this? We don’t actually believe this, do we? No, we don’t. But we say such false things so as to motivate them to understand our hurt and make an adjustment to their behavior. But that won't work if the other person feels flooded by the overwhelming verbiage about how awful they are as a human being. We can’t use a negative to motivate someone into a positive. Just ask any math teacher—when you add a negative number to another negative number, you will only get an even larger negative number!

For instance, if a husband withdraws because he feels disrespected, and he does this to calm down, which every honorable man does, yet his wife feels this is unloving and an act of hostility, who is right? If the wife feels she is right and says, "What you did is unloving, and this means you are an unloving husband, man, and human being," then she will shut her husband down even more. The key is to restrict her comments to the specific action and how she felt in response. To her what he did felt unloving. And that is okay to share with him. But she could add, "I know you are an honorable man who isn't trying to be unloving, but that incident felt unloving to me."

Or if a wife criticizes and complains to her husband as an act of love toward him and to motivate him to be more loving toward her—which is what she does with her best friend, and it works!—yet her husband sees this as disrespectful and tries to remove himself from the scene because he feels his BPMs increasing, who is right? If the husband says, “What you are doing right now is disrespectful, and this means you are a disrespectful wife, woman, and human being,” then he will throw heaps of hurt onto what began for her as merely an itty-bitty mound of disappointment. The key is to restrict his comments to the specific action of hers and how he felt in response. To him, what she is doing feels disrespectful. That is okay to voice. But he should add, “I know you are a loving woman who isn’t trying to be disrespectful, but this right here feels disrespectful to me.”

Can you see not only the difference in the two different messages we can choose to communicate to our spouse when addressing a hurt, but also how addressing the conduct while complimenting their character can soften their heart and lower their defenses right out of the gate, drastically increasing the chances of successfully addressing any hurts or concerns?

You know your spouse is of high character. You’ve always believed that to be the case. But we’re all going to be guilty of poor conduct at times. Even you. So address the conduct without disparaging the character. If you do, I promise any spins on the Crazy Cycle will be much shorter and less damaging than they could’ve been.