What Do You Think When You Hear “Happy Wife, Happy Life”?

You’ve probably heard the phrase “happy wife, happy life” before. Maybe it’s in the context of something simple, like choosing what restaurant to eat at or not leaving dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. Though the husband does not have a dining preference or is not bothered to see clothes on the floor, he tells himself, “Happy wife, happy life,” and acquiesces to his wife’s preference.

In these times, most would agree. If dirty clothes strewn on the bathroom floor bother his wife, of course he should put them in the hamper instead. Or if he truly has no preference between Mexican versus Italian on Saturday night, and his wife wants to go to Olive Garden, then breadsticks over chips and salsa it is!

But does the “happy wife, happy life” sentiment carry over to the more serious matters in life? (Or if we turn the phrase around to imply the same about the husband, does that work as well?) The intention behind “Happy wife, happy life” is goodwilled, right? It’s about keeping the peace in the marriage, right? Shouldn’t it ring true in all or most situations?

Testimonies From Wives

I am going to refrain from answering this for you. Instead, I’ll let the real testimonies and answers from husbands and wives say all that needs to be said about “happy wife, happy life.”

Becky: “Happy wife, happy life” does not last because what you’re saying is “My happiness depends on you. If you’re not living, acting, and speaking in ways that are always pouring into me, then you’re the cause of any discontent. My unhappiness is directly your fault.” There are (at least) two problems with this. One, if we are centering our entire happiness on our spouse, then it removes any and all responsibility for us to control our thoughts and attitude. A second issue that addresses the spouse who is trying to live in a manner focused entirely on making the other happy is that they’re going to be sucked dry. You can only pour into someone for so long without receiving anything in return. Relationships won’t thrive on an empty love tank.

Amy: Ugh! I wish this phrase would just go away. Maybe even be outlawed. I cannot say that I've ever heard this phrase used in a positive context. It's applied to situations where the man has done or is expected to do something for his wife's happiness that he has already begrudgingly done or does NOT want to do. It mars and diminishes from the beautiful reason we do what we do to give our partner joy. "Happy wife, happy life" insinuates that the wife controls the state of marital bliss. If the husband wants to be happy, he better make his wife happy or he's gonna be a miserable man. Further, it exonerates the wife of any responsibility to meet her husband's needs. This saying belittles the wife, the husband, and the union of marriage. It neither demonstrates love or respect. And without both, there can be no win-win.

Kate: I never liked that phrase. I think it’s a bunch of BS. So one person is always happy because they always get their way and the other person is miserable because they feel like they just don’t matter, just as long as the princess is happy. It’s an unrealistic view of marriage and should never be used again!

Wendy: While sacrifices in marriage are necessary, a marriage is not a one-sided relationship and one person cannot make all of the sacrifices. I didn't always believe this. In fact, at one point I had been warned that if my marriage was one-sided I could one day become embittered if I was the spouse frequently sacrificing on my husband's behalf. Over time I noticed that each perceived sacrifice was harder and harder for me to make. The funny (not so funny) thing is that half the time my husband had no idea I was sacrificing on his behalf because I didn't make my own needs or desires known to him.

Holly: I think if one of the spouses is continuously sacrificing their own happiness, then this perceived "win" will be short-lived. since in reality it is a win-lose situation, when one of the spouses loses, they both lose.

Stacey: If we are a doormat or agreeing to avoid conflict, then we harbor bitterness that is not good or lasting. 

Kylie: It’s a bad long-term solution because you can’t be the lone source of happiness for anyone, much less your spouse. That's God's job. You and your spouse must be satisfied in Christ as the sources of your happiness first. Yes, making your spouse's happiness a priority as best as you humanly can is a sacrifice and is important,even biblical. But it’s the tip of the iceberg. We need each other! My uncle put it like this: Marriage is a race to the bottom. A competition to see who can outserve/outgive each other.

Testimonies From Husbands

Clearly, the wives don’t like “happy wife, happy life,” and the husbands agree:

Kevin:  I have always hated that phrase because it implies inequality. I believe if we both focus on each other's needs and happiness (instead of just one of the partners), we have the potential to BOTH be happy.

Jerry:  My impression of the phrase has always been that it is deceptive. The focus isn't really on goodwilled and loving sacrifice so that they can both be happy together. I have always understood it or heard it said in such a way as to be snarky or disrespectful toward the wife. The focus is really on the husband giving up something he wants in order to have a resentful peace with the wife, implying he will be happier long term. This is the opposite of a win-win, and it reminds me of the analogy of death by a thousand verbal cuts.

Josh: Unless you view the other’s happiness as a delight and not a duty, it will not prove to be a long-term solution. Duty can lead to drudgery while delight leads to mutual satisfaction. 

Gary: When one half of a couple determines the happiness of marriage, that doesn't seem like a long-term solution to a long and happy marriage that God intended! One spouse tiptoeing and doing everything just to keep the other happy is exhausting, and definitely doesn't make for win-win. 

Chris: The phrase is a little too narrow focused. We need to strive for mutual satisfaction, and while it's great to focus on keeping the other person "happy," focusing on meeting their needs and communicating our own needs will lead to a richer relationship.

Daniel:  If our eyes are solely on the spouse's happiness, this can lead to drifting from God's will and being centered in Him, which results in an unhappy life. 

Steve: The saying rings true when you first hear it, but upon further reflection it really is quite shallow. There are certainly times in every marriage where you will ebb and flow and one spouse is giving more in the relationship and you both lean on each other. I love the idea of reframing this phrase, though, and not really thinking of that as a useful phrase but rather thinking of how can we both proactively support each other, being aware that my wife has needs but I also have needs and it is healthy that we express our needs in each area to each other.

Michael:  I know the phrase is good natured, but a battery eventually runs out of juice if it's never recharged. It's a joy to please my wife and meet her needs, but I will eventually run on empty if it's not returned. The benefits of “happy wife, happy life” (or vice versa) are short-lived. When we understand each other and pour into each other, we are both being charged and charging the other. It's a healthy cycle.

Stewart:  I do think I sacrifice something when I put my wife’s happiness above all else. This tactic has not turned out great in the past because I ultimately become resentful and feel taken advantage of.

Carlton: I have had this statement thrown in my face in the past. My reply has always been “ the husband needs to be happy too.” If one is focusing on trying to keep the other happy, expecting that will resolve the issues of the marriage, that kind of energy will soon be exhausted.

Alex: Marriage is not one sided, if one spouse is always focusing on making sure the other is happy, it negates their needs and will more than likely end up creating hidden resentment.

Kyle:  I believe it to be a one-sided thought pattern that can easily cause a husband to get discounted on the importance of him in the marriage. I think it creates an illusion that all the husband has to do is make sure his wife is happy and everything will be okay. I believe that this can create resentment from the husband, that all he needs to do is follow those rules. 

What do you think of the phrase “happy wife, happy life”? Why will a one-sided happiness, even if it helps in the short term, come back to bite both husband and wife in the long term?