We Cannot Insist Our Spouse Have the Same Felt Needs We Do

Do you have a specific sports team that you are outright fanatic about? Suppose you are a passionate Yankees fan whose white bedroom walls have navy blue pinstripes on them and your living room coasters have pictures of Mickey Mantle, Babe Ruth, Derek Jeter, and other Yankees greats on them. And let’s not forget the special satellite package you pay for every year so that you never miss a game. 

Are you able to get along well with others who do not have the same crazy passion for the Yankees that you do? As long as they are not Red Sox fans, are you okay if your neighbors, friends, and pastor don’t all live and breathe the Yankees like you do? Of course you are. You have your own specific reasons, possibly due to your family upbringing, for why you love the teams you love and how much you love them; and your friends have their reasons for why they love the teams they do and how much they love them . . . or maybe they don’t even like sports at all. To require those around you to feel the same way as you about your favorite team would be ridiculous, immature, and downright selfish, and all would agree.

However, are we not often guilty of requiring our spouses to have the same felt needs that have been ingrained in us? This is not right, and if we’re honest with ourselves, I believe we should all understand why. With different genders, different family upbringings, and different God-given personalities, temperaments, and spiritual gifts, it only makes sense that our felt needs will also differ. 

Therefore, we must be careful to not require our spouse to have the same felt need in themselves as is ingrained in us. Typically, our spouse does not feel the exact same as we do. When we demand that they yearn for what we do, then they don't, we can label them as abnormal. Or, when they make efforts to meet our needs, if we sense they do not have the same appetite, we can accuse them of being disingenuous. This, then, causes them to become disinterested and avoidant.

Let's think of sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy.

If, as a husband, I desire more sexual intimacy than my wife does, I must not expect my wife to have the same intensity for sex as I do. A guy can become upset that his wife isn't thinking about sex with him as much as he thinks about having sex with her. At such a moment, if he communicates that something is wrong with her because she isn't as interested in sexual intimacy, he can de-energize her from wanting sex altogether, and she avoids his pursuits. He shoots himself in the foot because he expects his wife to enjoy sex in the way most men want sex and then calls her frigid and abnormal when she appears otherwise. 

The truth is, most wives respond gladly and willingly to a humble husband who communicates his need for her sexually and expresses ongoing gratefulness to her. She will take care of his needs, given he loves her. But when he constantly wants her to fulfill some Playboy Bunny fantasy, he deflates her, and what would have been a mutually satisfying sex life is now an ongoing point of contention between them. 

He wants her to want sex 100 percent of the time, as he does. However, God created her to be 50 percent as consciously interested, though she is responsive to his initiative 90 percent of the time. But his insistence doesn’t increase her desire; rather he shuts her down to 25 percent interested and 15 percent responsive when blasting her as frigid. (These percentages are merely illustrative.) 

A wise husband allows his wife to respond to his need for sexual intimacy without making her feel the same way that he pursues sexual intimacy. He accepts God's design of her, and they work together in mutually satisfying one another.

In the same way, if I want more emotional intimacy as a wife, I must not expect my husband to have the same intensity for emotional connection as I do. A wife can become upset that her husband isn't thinking about the emotional connection like she thinks about such intimacy. She cannot grasp why he does not naturally give the daily report to build rapport with her. Why is he disinterested in talking like she needs to talk? 

When she communicates that something is wrong with him because he isn't as interested in emotional intimacy, she can de-energize him from wanting to talk heart-to-heart altogether. She shoots herself in the foot due to expecting him to want emotional connection in the way most women wish and then calling him abnormal and in need of counseling. 

The truth is, most men respond gladly and willingly to a humble wife who needs him to listen to her heart. He will take care of her emotional needs, given she honors him. But when she wants him to fulfill some romantic comedy role and fantasy, she deflates him. 

She wants him to want emotional connection and talking 100 percent of the time as she does. However, God created him to be 50 percent as interested, though he is responsive 90 percent of the time. But her insistence doesn’t increase his desire; rather she shuts him down to 25 percent interested and 15 percent responsive when blasting him as emotionally handicapped if not selfish. (Again, these percentages are only illustrative.) What would have been a mutually satisfying emotional intimacy is now an ongoing point of contention between them. 

A wise wife allows her husband to respond to a need for emotional intimacy without making him feel the same way that she thinks about emotional intimacy. She accepts God's design of him, and they work together in mutually satisfying one another.

A husband and wife’s differing needs go well beyond sexual and emotional intimacy, but the same principle applies to whatever the felt need. Assuming we are not talking about something that is unbiblical, unethical, or illegal, we cannot insist our spouse has the same needs and same intensity of those needs as we do. To do so is unfair and will not help the two of you find win-win.

Now, if a Yankees fan is married to a Red Sox fan, that’s above my paygrade. We should all commit to praying for them every day.