Toilet Seats and Near Empty Gas Tanks

Unless there is a clear violation of Scripture, morality, or the law, our spouse is not inherently wrong when varying with us on such topics as toilet seats and near-empty gas tanks. These would be gray-area issues or what I refer to as clashing preferences. Neither is absolutely wrong, just different, relatively speaking.

Unfortunately, in marriage, when some of us feel that we are correct in these clashing preferences, we tend to judge our spouse as wrong, as though they have violated Scripture, morality, or the law. Blue is absolutely wrong for not putting down the toilet seat. Pink is absolutely wrong for failing to keep the gas tank in her automobile near full. We know we are right. We might not directly claim that our spouse is sinning against God and us for disagreeing with us, but we want to say this if we could. It is a black and white issue to us.

However, these are gray-area issues. Bathroom objects like lowered toilet seats or mechanical objects like near-empty gas tanks are not to be placed under a moral command similar to, "Thou shalt not commit adultery." These differences of opinion must not be framed as absolutes. Pink should refrain from announcing, "Absolutely, toilet seats must be put down!" Or, Blue should hold back from declaring, "Absolutely, gasoline tanks in the car must be kept at least two-thirds full!" 

Some of us broadcast our position as though our spouse is immoral. No matter how we might feel about it, our spouse's position on seats remaining up and tanks being less full cannot be viewed as immoral but must only be framed as a “lesser good.” Our position on toilet seats being down or gas tanks filled up can be framed as the better position, just not the only good position. Leaving a toilet lid up or running the car on near-empty may not be the best or better choice, but it is not an evil choice.

Toilet seats and gas tanks are outside the scope of moral philosophy. Moral philosophy addresses inherently wrong actions or character traits. For instance, we might say, "Lying is wrong." That's making the assertion that one's action is morally wrong. Or, we might say, "You shouldn't be slothful every day of your life." That's making the assertion that one's character trait is morally wrong. When it comes to toilet seats up or down and gas tanks near empty, these discussions are not in the realm of moral philosophy. Instead, we are talking about etiquette in a particular culture that is the better or best way of handling toilet lids and seats or deciding how much gas to keep in the tank of a car.

In reading this, some chuckle at the silliness of using toilet seats and gas tanks as examples of moral decision-making. But this is exactly what we do when our spouse does not do what we want with such seats and tanks. In order to get her way, a wife enters moral philosophy and declares to her husband, "I am right on the toilet seat going down and you are wrong for keeping the toilet seat up (or filling the car tank to near full instead of running on near empty). You need to do it my way, and if you do not, I'm fully justified to resent you and have feelings of disdain toward you."

But as annoying as these things are, some of us need to lighten up in the face of clashing preferences.

A wife asks, "But Emerson, shouldn't my husband put the lid and seat down?" Yes, I can readily agree that putting the lid down is the better position. The decor is better, and it prevents the wife from sitting in the bowl in the middle of the night in pitch darkness. I can defend the wife's position as the better or best choice. Seats and lids down are the better good. But a husband is not sinning against God and his wife for exiting the bathroom without putting the seat and cover down. He is not morally wrong, just culturally different, albeit lacking social etiquette. He may have been an only child with his own bathroom and for eighteen years he gave it no thought, and still gives it little thought. Blame his cultural upbringing.

Or, a husband asks, "Emerson, shouldn't my wife keep the gas tank near full?" Yes, I can agree that keeping the gas tank near full is the better position. Who enjoys receiving a phone call from one's wife saying that she's stranded on the side of the road—again—because she ran out of gas? I can defend the husband's belief that his proposal is the wiser way forward. But, the wife is not morally bankrupt for driving her car with a gas tank 1/6th full. Without question, she increases her risk of running out of gas, but that doesn't make her a criminal who needs to be handcuffed and hauled off to jail.

Let me add, no husband should be without sympathy on toilet seats being left up or down. Such a husband, to be frank, probably has a story about his eleven-year-old son who urinated all over the toilet seat, having left it down as he aimed at the bowl below only to miss the toilet and hose the seat! Then later the father, not paying attention, sat on the urine-splattered seat. Needless to say, he had to contain his consternation and indignation. But his boy did not sin against God, nor did he commit a crime against humanity.

No wife should be without sympathy concerning filling the gas tank. Every time her sixteen-year-old daughter takes the car to visit friends this mother says, "Please be safe. Please drive safely. Oh, and here is the credit card, fill the gas tank, I let it get to empty." But the daughter, running late and excited to see her friends twenty miles away speeds off only to hear the car sputter and die, and she must coast to the side of the road. When she calls home, her mother hits the ceiling, "I told you to get gas!" She feels about her daughter stranded on the roadside in the same way her husband feels about her.

We can’t make it about their sinful character either

Instinctively, a wife knows that her husband is not sinning by leaving the toilet seat up. Therefore, she shifts the nature of the argument. She recasts the conversation from the toilet lid and seat to him failing to care for her. If he really loved her, he would put the toilet seat and lid down. She veers toward her husband's sinful character. Because she cannot claim that keeping the toilet seat up is evidence of immoral action, she instinctively enters moral philosophy by claiming that he has a no-good character trait that proves he is uncaring and unloving toward her. When she goes after his lack of character, it enables her to move into a moral judgment. Truth be told, some wives do this not because they believe he is an unloving human being, but to manipulate him into doing what she wants with regard to toilet lids and seats. 

And, it doesn't restrict itself to toilet seats. She can do the same in a half dozen areas from picking up shoes, clearing and putting dishes in the dishwasher, making the bed if he is last out of it, putting dirty clothes in the hamper, and cleaning his sink in the bathroom. The home is her nest, and she tends to fixate on every matter in her nest that matters to her. When he neglects what matters to her, she appeals to him to change. Over time when he falls short of changing and adapting to her standard, she morphs into a moral philosopher. She instructs him on what he ought to do, referred to as "the moral ought." On this or that she lectures, "You ought to do this. And, you ought not to do that." When this doesn't work she resorts to, "You are one of the most uncaring and unloving husbands I know. You never do what I ask. You always do what you want to do."

Her standards in the home are the only acceptable standards in the home. But because her standards in the home differ from his standards in the home, does not make her domestic standards etched in stone comparable to the Ten Commandments on tablets.

The same holds true for the husband who comes uncorked when his wife leaves the lights on, forgets to replace the paper in the printer in his office, doesn't put the garage door down after she leaves in the morning, ignores the red light on the car dashboard, leaves the back door unlocked during the day, spends too much of her money on buying gifts for people, and doesn’t have dinner ready. Important? Yes. Immoral? No.

What do some husbands do? He shifts the nature of the argument. He recasts the conversation from filling the gas tank in the automobile to her being a stupid person who doesn't respect him. If she really respected him, she would fill the gas tank! He veers toward making his wife's character foolish and sinful. Because he cannot claim that filling the gas tank evidences an immoral action, nonetheless, he instinctively enters more philosophy by claiming that she has a no-good character trait that proves she is stupid and disrespectful. When he goes after her lack of character, as an affront to him, this enables him to move into a moral judgment. Truth be told, some husbands do this not because they believe the wife is stupid and disrespectful but to manipulate her into doing what he wants when he wants it.

It is here that a wife and husband must move with caution. Is this the hill they want to die on? Each must choose their battles carefully.

Are we making a mountain out of a molehill?

I can tell you this, if these kinds of issues arise to the level that she accuses him of being unloving and he accuses her of being disrespectful, in disobedience to Ephesians 5:33, one is making a mountain out of a molehill. On toilet lids and seats, a husband will throw up his arms and walk away. Yes, he knows her position is the better position, but he doesn't feel about it the same way she does. Does this make him wrong? Not any more than she is wrong driving on a gas tank 1/6th full versus 5/6th full, and calling her idiotic and disdainful will crush her heart.

Let me insert something concerning today's culture among many women. If a wife goes on social media and talks about her husband neglecting to put down the toilet lid and seat, there are many women who troll these online reports and claim the husband is abusive. Once things escalate to this level and a wife knows that her husband has goodwill toward her and would literally die for her, she needs to pull back and lighten up. For a wife to go along with these women who don't know the facts or the husband but nonetheless she claims that her husband is abusive is to feed a false narrative. When she knows that she's overstating the case in a better-than-thou attitude, making comments she knows are untrue, that her husband is unloving and abusive, would make her guilty of committing greater infractions. A wife needs to weigh carefully if she wishes to escalate this clashing preference to a symbol that her husband is abusive and does not love her unless he conforms to her standard.

Maybe he is abusive and unloving, but not because of toilet seats and lids. A wife needs to make sure the criteria she uses are biblical. I teach in my book Love & Respect what the Bible reveals about a husband loving his wife God's way. God calls a husband to be Close, Open, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyal, and Esteeming. A wife needs to decide, for instance, does she want to make the toilet lid and seat proof that he does not intend, for instance, to live with her in an understanding way and esteem her as his equal based on 1 Peter 3:7?

Before getting there, I recommend both the husband and wife say things in different ways.

How then should they address these matters?

She needs to get beyond the present moment. Women tend to live in the present. Being present is a strength in women. They are in the moment, especially when someone is emotionally sad. That's why many wives claim that their husband is not present—not like her. He appears distant and disengaged. He seems out of touch. But as for her sense of presence, when she enters the bathroom and sees the lid and seat up, this immediately distresses her. At that moment, it feels to her like he does not care about her and does not love her. She might go back to him and declare, "You never think of me. You are always into yourself. How many times must I tell you to put the toilet lid and seat down!? I do not matter to you!" That's how she feels in the moment.

As unfair as this is to her, and as strongly as she feels about this, because she could not imagine ignoring her husband if he requested her to put the toilet lid and seat down, she needs to approach this differently. I recommend that she appeal to her husband's honor, strength, and sense of justice. How so?

She can say something like this: "I need your help. There is something important to me that I fully understand is not as important to you. I know you feel that I am making a mountain out of a molehill, but I need your strength. As an honorable man, would you honor me with a few things on the home front that energize me greatly? I get it that many of these things don't energize you, but they energize me. Please know that this isn't against you but a statement about me needing you. I know this feels unfair to you because I should be a bigger person on some of this, but for instance, in putting down the toilet lid and seat, especially at night, it puts a smile on my face as you remember me. When I ask of you to do such things, I know it can be a hassle to you, since you honestly forget, but it is a gift to me. It's like that time our son urinated all over the toilet seat and you went in there and sat on the seat. You were justifiably annoyed, and then you had to take a shower. So, remembering to put down the lid and seat afterward is a treat to me, no kidding."

She might also appeal to him on the level of reciprocity: “Look, to be fair to you, I’m going to work extra hard at keeping the gas tank fuller and making sure that I lock all the doors when we leave. Can we both serve each other? Can we give this the good ol’ college try for one month? What if we target the 80/20 ratio, that eight out of the next ten times I drive the car home, I will make sure the tank is near full, and you will put the seat and lid down?"

But here's the deal. This message is not given once but parts of it are reiterated over the coming months since few husbands will immediately convert to her way of doing things. Blue doesn't see the world as pink does. For this reason, a wife must stay lighthearted even though her husband fails to follow through. She must not let his shortcomings in the short-haul light her fuse and then she verbally explodes.

When a wife wants her husband to change over time on the domestic front, the message needs to sound honoring to him and empathetic to his position. If a wife is dishonoring and claims that he isn't empathetic to her, she may be justified but she'll be ineffective. The better course of action is to stay on message respectfully.

The same application goes for the husband who is in disbelief that his wife drives the car when it is on empty or she leaves the back door unlocked at night. To be harsh and angry with her is ineffective. What he says may be true, but he needs to lovingly stay on message over the many months in front of him. Over and above that, he needs to abide by the 80/20 rule. Twenty percent of the time she will probably forget to do certain things that are important to him. But this is not an immoral lapse, but her shortcoming as an imperfect human being who doesn't operate like a man would. So he must live with the 20 percent that annoys him but enables him to see that 80 percent of the time she has goodwill and is merely preoccupied with other issues because of pink interests.

He can say, "I need your help. There is something important to me that I fully understand is not as important to you. I know this is unfair to request of you, and I know that you feel that I am making a mountain out of a molehill, but I need you to ease my mind. As a loving and caring person, would you honor me by not letting the gas tank get below a quarter full? Please know that this isn't against you but a statement about me needing peace of mind when you drive around. I know in the past I put you down for this and I am sorry. I will stop being harsh and angry, but know what drives my concern. I do not want you stranded on the roadside, okay? I know you are preoccupied with taking the kids here and there and other errands, but I have peace of mind knowing you are safe.

Is it unfair to have to say these things? Maybe. But what is the alternative? Should each yell and scream to motivate the other to do it the way they want them to? Yes, it can work, which is why some spouses lose it emotionally again and again until finally the spouse lives in fear of the verbal flamethrower. But eventually, these spouses pull away emotionally. She sees him treating her like a doormat and avoids him where she can, and he sees her as his second mother, not his love, and stays away from her toxic tongue.

Can you try a new strategy today?