Three Reasons Why Your Husband May Not Be “More Open”

“Emerson, my husband is not as open and emotionally available as he should be. As a result, I don’t feel as close to him as I would like, and I even wonder if he trusts me.”

I cannot begin to count the number of wives who have shared with me some form of the above sentiment. They wish their husband would talk more. They want to have the same kind of hours-long, deep conversations with him that they have with their BFF. They’d give anything to have him share his vulnerabilities, his deepest desires, his hurts and fears. In general, their view is that they don’t hesitate to open up and share anything with him—in fact, they need to do so as a type of emotional release—but they become frustrated when he doesn’t reciprocate. “Why isn’t he more open?” they ask.

A wife is not wrong for wanting to open up the way she does with her husband, then being disappointed when it doesn’t seem he feels the same way. After all, she’s not simply unloading on a therapist when she’s talking to her husband. No one expects their counselor or psychologist, after hearing a patient share their deepest hurts, to then say, “Now it’s my turn to share with you where I’m hurting and confused right now.”

No, a wife is not simply needing to unload her burdens, though at times she does give the report to build the rapport. Instead, when she opens up with her husband, she’s seeking to connect emotionally with him. And in her view, the best connections are those that go both ways. She is open and emotionally available to him, and he is open and emotionally available to her. Tit for tat.

But that’s not usually how it goes, is it? Instead she says what is written above: “My husband is not as open and emotionally available as he should be. As a result, I don’t feel as close to him as I would like, and I even wonder if he trusts me.”

Wives, if you can relate, I wonder if one or more of the following three reasons might apply to your husband and situation. Though I do not know him personally, I know men in general (after all, I’ve been one my entire life!). Could it be that it’s not that you married someone who doesn’t want to be more open with you but that:

• He’s being “blue”?
• He’s afraid of your contempt?
• He needs a change of topic?‍

Is He Being “Blue”?

Many wives wonder why their husband is quiet, or hesitant to open up, or scared to confess their fears, viewing this in a negative light and wondering how they can “fix” them. But much of this is not part of a conscious and willful effort of these husbands to be less than open with their wives but is instead simply how they were designed as a man. 

Yes, men can still be insecure and have fears of being perceived as weak, but is that always what’s going on when they’re less open than their wives? Typically, men do not find themselves with their best friend who after a moment eventually states, “I think you have fears, insecurities, and lack of openness because of certain weaknesses you do not wish to admit to yourself or to anyone else.” That kind of conversation rarely, if ever, happens. I’ve known men who traveled six hundred miles in the same car with other men for a hunting trip and barely said a handful of sentences. Are they insecure? Are they afraid to be “more open”? Are they not being good friends with one another? No, they just don’t need to talk.

Culture has been flooded with “pink.” What I mean is, the way of women is made out to be the way everyone needs to be—men and women. The “blue” man who rarely opens up, who doesn’t willingly share every thought, every fear, every exciting event with those close to him is in need of fixing, according to our pink culture. But could it be that he’s not in need of fixing but that he’s simply acting like the blue man God designed him to be?

‍Is He Afraid of Your Contempt?

So you want your husband to share his fears with you? Let me fill you in on what one of those fears is. Men fear the contempt of a wife. 

If he feels as though he is always walking on eggshells around his wife, worried how his next sentence could be misinterpreted and used against him; if his wife displays a look of disgust during any conversation in which he doesn’t see eye to eye with her on every issue; if most every conversation revolves around him hurting her feelings or not hearing her tell him of adjustments he needs to make, such a man will guard himself. He does this not because he is insecure per se but from a desire to protect himself from the message “You are not good enough. I do not respect you.”

And how will he guard himself around his wife? He’ll be more quiet. He’ll withdraw from any potential conflict. He’ll avoid any kind of genuine conversation, risking only harmless small talk that has less of a chance to trigger any volatility.

“Why isn’t he more open with me?” a wife may be wondering. Well, how do you respond to him when he does share something? Is he allowed to have a differing opinion that is taken into consideration, or do you squash whatever it is he says, letting him know that it’s your way or the highway? If he isn’t sure he can share something with you without it being turned against him, can you blame him for deciding the easiest thing to do is to avoid any conflict and not risk feeling your contempt?

‍Does He Need a Change of Topic?

How effective do you think it is for a wife to attempt pulling her husband out of his quietness by telling him he ought not to be quiet? “Okay, darling, thanks for telling me that. I’ll be more like you from now on. I didn’t know that’s what you were wanting,” no husband has ever said!

The challenge here is that most wives wish to talk about the relationship with him, with others, and her burdens related to both. But baiting him out of his quietness with topics like these is about as effective as screaming at a baby to “GO BACK TO SLEEP!!!”

Have you tried broaching subjects that interest him? What gets him talking to his friends? What did you stay up late talking about when you were first dating? Maybe you don’t have any interest in his favorite sports teams, or golf, or hunting. But do you have an interest in your husband? Do you want him to talk with you longer than, “Work was fine”? Then maybe you just need to try opening up a different door than you usually attempt.

You may find his favorite topics to be unimportant and not worthy of long discussion. But if they energize him the way you are energized when opening up with your BFF, can you find it in your heart to take an interest in what interests him, viewing them as stepping-stones to the kind of emotional connection you are seeking to finally make with him? 

A conversation may start by asking how the game finished up last night after you went to bed, or what projects he has going on at work right now, but they can segway into old stories from his days of playing high school football and the coaches who mentored him, or the exciting ways he is seeing God use him around his colleagues. But the conversation isn’t usually going to start there. You need to find a point of entry that interests him.

But I have to say here, though, that your interest in his life and the topics that interest him must be sincere. It cannot only be as a way to “get him to open up.” He will see that a mile away, and when he does he’ll still give you the short, less-than-open answers you are seeking, even though you’re asking about movies, sports, or his hobbies. Your interest in his interests must be genuine. Don’t worry, he’s not going to suddenly think he has turned you into an avid hunter who he will then buy a rifle for on Valentine’s Day. But he’ll appreciate your genuine interest in learning more about something he loves.

So . . . Is your husband resisting becoming more open, honest, and emotionally available, as you may claim? Perhaps. To be vulnerable like this is not easy, especially for men. But could there be more to it? Could there be something going on that is not so end-of-the-world? Could your husband just be acting like a blue man? Could he be afraid of your contempt? Do you just need to try a different topic?