She Asks, "What About My Needs?"

“But what about my needs?”

We’ve all thought that before, right? Many times, in fact. After all, we are a selfish people. It’s only natural for us to get caught up in thinking about what I need, and what you can do for me. That doesn’t make it right, but that something is wrong doesn’t mean we aren’t guilty of it either.

And in marriage, with as many different God-designed needs that men and women have, the question seems to be amplified even more. Sadly, sometimes we can’t get past this question and the marriage suffers, as was the case with a woman who wrote me.

"I began reading Love & Respect and could not get past the ‘What about my needs?’ question, and never even made it to the chapter where this is addressed," she admitted to me. Unfortunately, a few years after she stopped reading but continued to dwell on her question, her husband left her. She continued writing:

"I pulled out our copy of Love & Respect. I finished it today, the day he moved out. It’s not for me to question God’s plan, but I am perplexed by why now, when it seems too late, I have read, understood, embraced and realized how profoundly I have damaged this man I love and our union."

This wife's attitude represents many wives. Such women are not mean-spirited and may not even be selfish. In fact, most women see themselves as givers, because in many ways they are. Always nurturing, they awaken with the thought of responding to their husband’s needs.

By comparison, they conclude their husbands are less aware of and responsive to their needs daily. Entrenched with this mindset, it is tough for them to hear an appeal to meet their husband’s needs, specifically his need for respect. For one, they believe they are already meeting his needs. And two, they believe he is not meeting their needs. Thus, the swift response, "What about my needs?"

What, though, if she innocently overlooks his needs for respect, which to her are not valid? For instance, to have a deep friendship with another person, men need to do activities shoulder-to-shoulder. In those settings, they will surface their thoughts. However, to most wives, they have better things to do than sit in a golf cart with him, watch him play basketball, do woodwork, or fix a pipe. They don't realize the level of energy this brings to the male's spirit, which frees him up to talk.

Most ladies think the two must sit face to face and talk and talk, primarily about her feelings, and especially those feelings he hurt, in which he would then say, "I am sorry for hurting your feelings." But this isn't how guys make friendships. This wears guys out if this is the only time they hang out together. Yes, men will do face-to-face interactions, but only if there is a sense of camaraderie from the shoulder-to-shoulder activities.

What if her husband was actually trying to meet many of her needs, not only for protection and provision but also for guarding the marriage's emotionality by urging her not to get so upset by so many little things that, at the end of the day, will soon enough be forgotten? Sadly, his counsel or solution offends her. His comments are beyond her imagination and reinforce to her that he is uncaring about what matters to her. But is he?

Though we cannot debate the fact that women are more nurturing than men, we must step back and ask two questions. One, are there needs in the husband that a wife fails to see or dismisses as ill-founded? Two, is a husband trying to meet the "true" need of his wife, but because this "true" need is not a "felt" need of his wife, is this wife failing to see his aims? Or if she does see them, does she dismiss his approach as ill-founded?

Here's how one wife made an adjustment.

“The key with your material was that you gave me insight into his heart that no one had ever explained in such detail. Now I could see that he was not trying to hurt me, but not knowing how to deal with his own pain, he was withdrawing to keep himself from further pain and confrontation. I never thought I was pointing the finger or sounding accusing, but looking back, he took most of what I ever said in that way. . . . I have a husband that many women could only dream of in terms of understanding, help at home, etc. But I did feel hurt from his withdrawals and I think that was a part of my lack of motivation for trying to continually be nice to him. . . . I would cry myself to sleep wondering what went wrong. I got married, determined to have a good marriage and not be like so many others, but no one had ever explained to me what “respect” was supposed to look like and how it affected husbands. I feel angry that there was nothing like this ten years ago when I got married, but I am grateful that it’s not too late and things can get better.”

Another wife wrote, "I have also learned not to react to my husband's irritations. Sometimes it takes us a little longer than before the sun goes down to discuss issues but I've found that it is okay to wait until he can distance himself from the emotion before tackling the discussion. That wait time for us is essential."

In my book Love & Respect, I use the acronym C.H.A.I.R.S. to describe the six ways a husband needs to feel his wife’s respect. He needs her to appreciate his desire to work and achieve (Conquest); to protect and provide (Hierarchy); to serve and to lead (Authority); to analyze and counsel (Insight); for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship (Relationship); and for sexual intimacy (Sexuality).

Based on these six concepts, below are the innocent ways some wives dismiss their husband's feelings. Since these feelings do not matter to her, she tells him, albeit with good intentions, that those feelings to him really aren't something he should let bother him.

• Conquest: He can struggle with the feeling he is a loser, not a winner, failing not succeeding, or behind not ahead.
• Hierarchy: He can struggle with the feeling he is below others, is lower in status, feeling he deserves a position but didn’t get it, or that he is being put down. If he doesn’t feel you “look up” to him, but actually look down on him, he feels less than a man to you!
• Authority: He can struggle with the feeling that his desire to be responsible is viewed by her as an attempt to exercise rights over her and to advance his own interests. At the same time, she can expect him to be primarily responsible for her, even dying, but rob him of primary authority to carry out his duties ("You can't do that, we're equal), which violates Leadership 101.
• Insight: He can struggle with the feeling he is imperceptive, unenlightened, lacking good judgment, lacking logical analysis, failing to solve problems.
• Relationship: He can struggle with the feeling he is second-fiddle to the children, only her idea of a quality relationship matters, which means talking; and doing activities shoulder-to-shoulder without talking is seen as meaningless in her eyes.
• Sexuality: He can struggle with the feeling he is too sexual compared to you. He is vulnerable to your sexual put-down and being sexually ignored by you.

So, What About Your Needs?

“Okay, Emerson, I get it. I’ve been misunderstanding his needs, sometimes even making my needs his needs. But I still have my own needs. What do we do about these?”

Your husband is not absolved from the matter. Not in the least. In fact, before even getting into C.H.A.I.R.S. in my book, I spend six chapters on C.O.U.P.L.E., the six ways a husband is to love his wife. But you can’t just throw the book on his lap and tell him to read it. Trust me, that won’t go over well at all. But that doesn’t mean you're powerless in the matter. In fact, when you consider your husband’s needs via C.H.A.I.R.S., you may just be getting the C.O.U.P.L.E. engine started for him.

For example, when you meet his need for sexual connection with you, he is likely to then lie in bed with you afterward talking, filling your need for emotional connection, or closeness.

If you spend enough shoulder-to-shoulder time with him doing something he loves, like hunting, billiards, or watching football, you will increase your chances of him opening up to you on matters of the heart. He may be a guy, but he’s not a robot. He has deep things on his heart too, but it just takes longer to get to them. Some shoulder-to-shoulder time is what he first needs.

Are you seeing how this can work? By meeting his needs, you can actually get to meeting your needs too! This shouldn’t be your motivation to meet his needs. He will see right through that, making matters even worse. But there is a connection between your need for love and his need for respect. When Ephesians 5:33 commands the husband to love his wife and the wife to respect her husband, I think it’s safe to say God knew what He was doing!