Seek Mutual Understanding, Not Divorce

Countless divorcees have told us over the years that had they known the Love and Respect truth underlying the negative cycle they found themselves constantly on (which we refer to as the Crazy Cycle), they would never have divorced.

In fact, my daughter Joy started a ministry called Love and Respect Now because of the avalanche of comments she heard when directing our live conferences: “If only I had known then what I know now!” 

Joy determined to tell her generation the message of Love and Respect so her peers would not divorce due to an honest misunderstanding.

Joy recognized that many of these couples did not develop the ability to decode the negative reactions in the marriage. Instead, each took up offense. Each concluded, “I do not deserve this lack of love and respect.”

They misunderstood the other’s intent because the other reacted in ways that they would not react.

A wife longed for love but reacted in a disrespectful way. The husband could not imagine reacting the way she reacted. She has issues, he determines.

A husband yearned for respect but reacted in an unloving way. A wife could not grasp how a person could react the way he reacted. Something is wrong with him, she concludes.

In time, the husband concluded, “She acts with contempt for me. She really does not respect who I am as a human being.”

Eventually the wife surmised, “He acts with hostility toward me. He really does not love who I am as a human being.”

One day one or both use the “D” word. “We may as well divorce. We do not love or respect each other.”

Listen to this husband who emailed me after, by God’s grace, he and his wife decided to not act on the “D” word: 

We decided to stay together and try to heal our marriage, and a couple from our church walked with us weekly for a year. Your book, Love and Respect, was an incredible eye-opener for us, especially the Crazy Cycle. We discovered that we had been living our entire marriage completely backward, which set us up for failure in many ways. With the help of your book and our counselors, we recommitted our vows to each other at our church and shared our testimony.

What did they get backward? He explained this elsewhere in his email. He could appear unloving so as to get respect, and she could seem disrespectful in order to get her husband to be more loving. Neither intended to do this, but when on the defensive, they, like many of us do, defaulted to a negative reaction to motivate the other to be positive! 

In almost all cases, people who entertain calling it quits on the marriage do so after years of being on the Crazy Cycle: without love, she reacts without respect; and without respect, he reacts without love. And when they do not decode why the other is reacting as they do, they keep the negative cycle spinning with their own negative reactions. 

And all of this is due to an honest misunderstanding! He isn’t trying to be unloving but appears this way. She isn’t trying to be disrespectful but appears this way. However, it is tough for the other person not to take up offense.

Over time, generally speaking, a wife loses energy to stay in the marriage because she feels unloved and a husband loses motivation to stay in the relationship because he feels disrespected. 

But here is the misunderstanding: Both error when feeling the other caused the Crazy Cycle. He makes a huge mistake in assigning blame to her, and she makes the same blunder declaring him at fault.

When two people fail to decode correctly, they draw the wrong conclusion based on their misunderstanding.

As for the wife, she knows she is right. Over the years, she continually felt unloved over this or that thing her husband did. This left her bewildered. Even so, she tried to do the loving thing by talking to him about the issue. During the talk he told her she was disrespectful. Shocked by his comment, she felt even more unloved. Year after year of this, she finally decides to call it quits. She feels her love-needs are unmet and feels insulted by his accusations. She doesn’t want to be right but knows she is.

However, the fact is, she fails to decode things from her husband’s blue views: he isn’t trying to be unloving but feels disrespected.

In saying the marriage is over, he knows he is right. Over the years, he felt disrespected by this or that accusation from his wife that he was unloving. This left him scratching his head as to why she seemed to have such dislike for him. Even so, he tried to do the honorable thing by calming himself down over what felt an unfair and rude attack. No one talked to him the way she did. As he withdraws, she accuses him of being even more unloving. This leaves him feeling even disrespected. Year after year of this, he throws in the towel. He feels his respect-needs are unmet and feels belittled by her allegations. He doesn’t want to be right but knows he is.

However, the fact is, he falls short of decoding his wife’s pink perspective: she isn’t trying to be disrespectful but feels unloved.

Let me ask each of you a question.

Husbands, just because you feel disrespected, is this your wife’s intent? Does she get up early to think of ways to show you disrespect? Or, is she a woman of basic goodwill who feels vulnerable when she feels that you do not want to love her in ways meaningful to her?

I agree that she ought not to react in ways that feel disrespectful to you, but would you agree with me that she is not plotting to show you contempt but reacts from her hurt and insecurity and lack of assurance about your love for her? Yes, I know you want to love her and she can at times make it tough to love her, but would you agree that she does not crawl out of bed with the mission to “diss” you

If you agree with me, then all you have is a misunderstanding and ending this marriage would be a foolish thing to do.

Wives, just because you feel unloved, is this your husband’s intent? Does he get up early to think of ways to be unloving? Or, is he a man of basic goodwill who feels vulnerable when he feels that you do not want to respect him in ways meaningful to him?

I agree that he ought not to react in ways that feel unloving to you, but would you agree with me that he is not plotting to be unloving and hostile but reacts from his hurt and insecurity and lack of assurance about your respect for him? Yes, I know you want to respect him and he can at times make it tough to respect him, but would you agree that he does not crawl out of bed with the mission to be unloving?

If you concur with me, then all you have is a misunderstanding and divorcing would be a stupid decision.

To move forward, wives, I suggest following the example of this wife who wrote to her husband: 

Twenty years ago I remember very vividly, how you hugged me tightly after our wedding and I felt so cherished. The years since have not all been positive, but I’m thinking of you today and I want you to know that after our recent talk I made a decision. I made the decision that I will never entertain the thought of divorce again. I know that I have habitually been careless and foolish with my words and actions and I do not want to continue in a manner that is disrespectful and threatening to you. I do not want to work against you and what you think is best for the whole family. I want to make a commitment to you (not to divorce), and in fact I want to be honoring and supportive to you, even if that means being quiet and proving myself to you as I try to control and resolve my emotions of anger or sadness. 

Husbands, what about following this husband’s example? His wife reported, “Recently I was diagnosed with cancer and had to have a hysterectomy. During the physical healing process, my emotions were unbelievably messed up and I told my husband I wanted to separate and that I didn’t love him. He told me he was committed to his vows and that he couldn’t make me love him, but wouldn’t break his commitment. He basically told me no to the separation. This was probably the first time (or only time I allowed him without argument) to really stand up as the spiritual leader in our home.”

Will you make these vows (again) to your spouse? Will you promise to always seek understanding, not divorce, because you know the other is a person of goodwill who does not wake up in the morning thinking of ways to irritate you?