Profiling a Spouse: The Invitation to Unearth New Insights Explaining Their Behaviors

Most of us long for a better marriage, and that longing is to be applauded. However, how might some go about improving the relationship? 

Some read blogs and books to unearth why a spouse is not acting in ways that satisfy them and make them happy. Their approach is to help a spouse see what they do negatively that is detrimental to the marriage. They quote survey findings that profile who their spouse is to them. “Please read this. This can help you understand what you are doing that hurts, frustrates, or angers me.”

Though these folks are not mean-spirited, they are biased in favor of themselves and less favorable toward their spouse. Why? They truly feel their spouse frustrates them more than they frustrate their spouse. So, they look for “wisdom” from others that capture those feelings so they can relay that information to their spouse. They hope their spouse will read the findings and “get it.”

Is this not why you decided to read this article, in light of the title? “Profiling a Spouse: The Invitation to Unearth New Insights Explaining Their Behaviors.”

What if I had titled it this way? “Profiling a Spouse: An Invitation to Exercise Caution and Understanding.”

The second tile is not as inviting, is it?

Why Do We Seek This Information Out That We Believe Applies to Our Spouse?

Why is this “profiling” happening more and more today? Because we have immediate access to the latest and greatest findings.

As a result, we observe folks profiling a spouse based on the newest “research.” These findings are hard to ignore when they describe exactly how we feel. They echo our experience when an author describes our feelings, which in our eyes has to be confirmation of the truth. “I am right about how I feel.” We now have proof and assign blame on our spouse. Again, we are not mean-spirited. We just know what we feel, and those feelings are real, so real that they have to be right. “My spouse mistreats me.”

We read for evidence that our spouse is the victimizer and we are the victim. We do this because we feel mistreated more than we feel the sadness our spouse feels over our mistreatment of them. We don’t see ourselves mistreating our spouses as they mistreat us, and when we do mistreat them, it is a reaction to how they mistreated us. Thus, we read a profile that captures the ten negative ways a spouse mistreats us, not the ten ways we mistreat our spouse.

Bias is a reality, tempting us to blame our spouse and justify ourselves. Based on those descriptors, we become judge and jury of our spouse. From that brief reading, we have proof. There is no in-depth assessment by an objective third party who spends time with our spouse and does the same with us. 

Some have later confessed, “I searched for titles of articles or books that captured what I wished to hear that affirmed my suspicions. I had an agenda and sought confirmation of my bias.”

Please permit me to insert here a word of caution based on these confessions. There are voices out there who offer the latest and greatest information that profiles your spouse’s mistreatment of you. 

For this reason, we must guard against the fads and trends of new insights that explain a spouse’s “bad” behavior. We need to be aware of the human tendency to continually seek to learn something new and different about why our spouse is the problem. Whether philosophers in academia or women in homes, some think the next new idea will be the key to the solution to some problem with their spouse. They get pulled into this vortex of thinking.

In principle, Paul writes in 2 Timothy 3:7 about some women “always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.” Unfortunately, we can seek something new and different, hoping it will be a magic bullet, but in the end, it is pixy dust or misleading. Or, Luke describes some Greeks in Acts 17:21, “Now all the Athenians and the strangers visiting there used to spend their time in nothing other than telling or hearing something new.” Novelty itself allures and sways us. 

Might We Be Misinterpreting Our Spouse’s Behavior That We Have Deemed Needs Fixed?

I say with great conviction we could very well be misinterpreting our spouse’s behavior due to their gender, upbringing, and temperament. We could be missing the strong possibility that they deal with conflict differently from us. This new idea that supposedly exposes their problem is a misreading of the situation and one’s spouse.

Do they really possess serious personality sicknesses? Maybe they do. On the other hand, maybe a spouse navigates conflict significantly differently from us. For instance, 85 percent of husbands withdraw during conflict when their heartbeats rise to 99 BPMS. They aren’t trying to be unloving. Instead, these husbands intend to de-escalate the conflict by pulling away. This is what most men do with other men with whom they have a friendship. This is an act of honor to protect the relationship. “Let’s drop it and move on.” So, should a wife claim her husband is unloving, uncaring, and self-centered because it feels this way to her? Or, is he doing what most men do when a conflict arises over something he deems unworthy to fight over? Is he motivated to protect the relationship, not ignore it? 

Yes, as a woman, she seeks to address the issue. She intends to resolve the matter. By this, she means she expects him to apologize for hurting her feelings. She expects him to reassure her that he won’t hurt her feelings again like he just did. That’s how she interfaces with other women with whom she is close. But among men, what guy says to his best buddy, “We need to talk. You hurt my feelings and need to apologize and reassure me that you won’t hurt my feelings again”?

However, what should we make of this assertion from an assessment tool? “Does your spouse tell you not to make a mountain out of a molehill, drop it and move on, and then withdraws, stonewalls, and doesn’t apologize? You may be married to a narcissist.”

Sadly, some articles are written with an agenda. People know how to state things that describe our negative experiences with a spouse. This is a whole field of writing. Not infrequently, none of the “findings” have been researched. And even if they are well-researched, it isn’t for us to cherry-pick certain negative traits as confirmation the negative profile accurately describes the parent of our children. We need an objective third party to weigh in on this. 

What, Then, Shall We Do?

Let me say, “All truth is God’s truth,” so things like strength finders or temperament assessments that enlighten us to mutually understand each other, extend empathy, and work as a team is to be applauded. But when we seek the latest information to justify our unwise choices and blame our spouse for our unhappiness, are we moving toward having our ears tickled? The Living Bible captures this disturbing reality in 2 Timothy 4:3-4. “For there is going to come a time when people won’t listen to the truth but will go around looking for teachers who will tell them just what they want to hear. They won’t listen to what the Bible says but will blithely follow their own misguided ideas.”

Furthermore, do we tend to read surveys to gain a self-understanding of what we do that contributes to marital conflicts? Or, do we continue to look at what our spouse does that contributes to the marital problems, which we, in turn, quote to others? Do we read from this vantage point because we believe we are the victims due to our hurt, frustration, or anger, not vice versa? Do we see our spouse as the victimizer who hurts, frustrates, or angers us, not the other way around? Do we look at our spouse as the one who negatively reacts out of relative indifference to us while paying little attention to the detrimental impact of our negative reactions since we are the defensive victims? Do we feel that when our spouse tells us they feel mistreated and offended by our criticisms or stonewalling they should not feel this way? Do we feel that when our spouse criticizes or stonewalls, their mistreatment is offensive and they must stop? 

I Recommend Three Things

One, reflect upon yourself. Is there too much bias against your spouse and in favor of yourself? I do not refer to a spouse who is immoral and evil committing adultery, or who is physically violent and harmful. Instead, I assume basic goodwill in this person. However, during conflict they do not settle problems the way you do, so you assume there is something wrong with your spouse, and tell them so, because they tend to ignore your demand that they resolve issues to your satisfaction. As a husband, you tell her to “shut up and quit complaining” when the truth is you matter to her more than anyone and she seeks to be reassured that all is well between you. Author and researcher Shaunti Feldhahn has reported that many wives feel they are three conversations away from hearing, “I am done. I don’t love you. I am leaving.” Because as a husband you don’t feel like she will leave you does not justify dismissing her fear. So, reflect upon yourself to see if as a man, you have less of a vulnerability here but God calls you to understand (1 Peter 3:7) your wife’s feminine vulnerability in this sphere.

Two, instead of profiling a spouse’s weaknesses or apparent weaknesses, what about profiling their strengths? Many weaknesses, to us, are the backside of a strength. A husband who withdraws to calm down does the honorable thing when his heartbeats reach 99 BPMS. Though that feels unloving to every wife, once she sees why he withdraws, she can then propose, “What if you take fifteen minutes to calm down, which I understand now as a need, but then come back, and we talk for no more than fifteen minutes so I can feel reassured that all is okay between us moving forward?”

‍And, three, consider a third party if the conflicts persist without mutual understanding. There are many godly, wise couples out there more than willing to offer their insights in a fair and balanced way. A third party can bring a perspective that we lose when in the weeds of marital tensions. Or, one might turn to a pro-marriage professional counselor (not all are pro-marriage) who can accurately apply profiling assessments that reveal what both can do to experience love and respect in the marriage.