Not All Men Need to Keep Talking about Their Hurts and Vulnerabilities

When I used to do marriage counseling during my days as a pastor, I noticed a distinctive trend among the couples who would come to my office. The husband typically played it close to the vest during the session. Though his wife sensed something going on inside, he would often respond only with, “Nothing is wrong.” Yet her intuition told her he was upset about something, so in confusion she would say back, “I don’t know what to believe.”

But she wouldn’t leave it at that. In fact, she would never quit. She kept coming at the “problem,” trying to figure it out. All the while the husband continued claiming nothing was wrong, that he was okay, they were okay, why won’t she just leave it alone!?

And now there was definitely something wrong.

This wasn’t just a trend in my counseling sessions, though. Recently a wife wrote me:

My husband and I had an appointment yesterday with our counselor. We talked about the bitterness and he was able to express some of the disappointment and anger he is feeling. I think that is a healthy thing. He is feeling physically sick because it is hurting him so much to be admitting things I have done to hurt him. I think this is part of the process. Am I right? Doesn't he need to express and deal with the hurt before we can move on? Our counselor said we are doing well and even though we are in the pit right now we are communicating in a healthy way and things will start to turn around soon. I believe that is true. Tonight, when I got home, my husband said he can't do this anymore. He is seriously considering leaving. It breaks my heart. We have both put so much effort into trying to make this marriage work. I can't imagine giving up now.

Yes, with this couple there was definitely something wrong. The husband wasn’t claiming all was okay; instead, he was admitting the things his wife had done that had hurt him. But what he has in common with the many men in my office who claimed there was nothing wrong is that none of these husbands have the same need as their wives to talk through every last hurt and vulnerability.

Conversations like the ones this couple and their counselor are having are not exhilarating to most men but exhausting. Oftentimes, when we put a man in a position to resurface his past hurts, this doesn't necessarily help him. Not infrequently, he has moved past the episode and is good to go.

Yes, he can be bitter and sitting on unexpressed hurts that he needs to address. Bitterness is never good or godly. But while some husbands can be miffed and moody, that doesn't mean they are bitter toward their wives. However, if it is framed that way with the counselor and the wife, the man can feel coerced to talk about something that really doesn't represent his deepest heart.

Sadly, when pushed to talk about his past negative feelings, he can relive those moments and find himself so distressed that he entertains the thought that this marriage isn't going anywhere positive, as in the case of this fellow who said he was considering leaving the marriage.

The wife and their counselor had felt they had a productive session, but the husband was on the verge of calling it quits. How do we reckon this?

Women give the report to build the rapport. This is part of what makes her woman, part of the pink design God created her, and not her husband, with. In fact, this strong desire of hers is the fuel behind the first three concepts of C.O.U.P.L.E.—the acronym I use in my book Love & Respect to describe the six ways a woman desires her husband to love her.

Closeness: She wants her husband to be close.

Openness: She wants her husband to open up.

Understanding: She doesn’t want her husband to “fix her,” but to just listen.

Women thrive on open, honest, deep, heartfelt discussion! In fact, she feels loved when her husband connects with her in this way. But most men are not energized in the same way. In fact, sometimes the opposite effect can happen with them.

Whereas almost every woman feels wonderful after ventilating her feelings, some men feel worse. Whereas most women feel energized at being understood, many guys feel re-insulted.

Unfortunately, with the feminization of counseling, we tend to apply what a wife needs to her husband. Females have become the standard for what a happy and healthy couple looks like, which means talking about hurt feelings to be understood and healed. For the husband, though, such ventilation doesn't release pressure and build relationship as it does with his wife; instead, it reminds him of something that he dropped a long time ago.

Author and family therapist Michele Weiner-Davis has noticed, too, this leaning toward the woman as the standard-bearer, and she disagrees. In fact, after reading an article titled “It’s Time for Men to Get Emotional,” she told an audience at a Smart Marriages conference:

As a marriage therapist and author of many self-help books, I completely disagree with the premise. Some men have paltry relationship skills as do some women. But the primary reason men fall short on intimacy IQ is that women are doing the testing. We use stereotypical female standards to measure intimacy IQ. We expect men to get in touch with deeply personal feelings, feel comfort in doing so and then long for these regular tete-a-tetes. Unfortunately, this criteria is biased.

If the counselor and wife think that the husband’s present moodiness is related to some unspoken hurt, that could very well be a wrong assessment. Instead of looking at the past hurts, he prefers a positive plan to move forward as a couple who can enjoy one another as friends.

There is a time and place to do what Paul says in Philippians 3:13-14, "forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on." Many men can do this. More women should.

Having said that, there is a balance. Remember, a husband is to show his wife he loves her with his closeness, his openness, and his understanding. Which means he can’t always say, “Leave it alone.” His wife desires him to share his feelings, to talk about his day, to unload some of his difficulties. She feels loved when these things happen. And certainly there are many serious issues that drive couples to counseling that need to be put out there for discussion. Marital problems are not to be avoided but worked through together.

Just as a wife should not impose her pink design of needing to hash and rehash every last hurt feeling and vulnerability on her husband who has already let it go and moved on, a husband should not say, “Since I don’t need to talk about it, neither does she.” There is a win-win situation for the wife who needs her husband to open up to her and be close with her, and the husband who has forgiven and moved on and doesn’t want to be reminded of pains from the past.

What will that win-win look like for you?