“My Response Is My Responsibility”—7 Fears and 7 Benefits

There is an axiom that I have used in my teachings for as long as I can remember that, to this day, I still fully believe in its simple but life-changing truth: “My response is my responsibility.”

Think about it. From how we as children react to bullies on the playground and temptations from our friends, to the choices we make as teenagers when we begin gaining more freedoms, to how we respond to angry posts on social media, to our bosses when they chew us out for being late, and to our spouses when they do or say something that rubs us the wrong way—this axiom remains true. My response is my responsibility.

In short, what it means is that no one has the power to cause you to react in a certain way, such as lashing out in anger when you feel an injustice has been committed against you. Instead, if you chew someone out for cutting you off in traffic, or you respond disrespectfully to your boss when he calls you out for something you failed to do, or you react in anger when your spouse is home later than originally thought, the one you lashed out at did not truly cause you to react the way you did. They do not have that kind of power over you. Instead, the situation revealed a vulnerability inside of you that you have not learned to properly control. You had the power to respond in a better, more positive way, yet you chose not to use it. Your response is—and has always been—your responsibility.

However, I have found that some are uncomfortable with the expression “My response is my responsibility.” Consider seven such fears, but also my reply to lessen the fear. 

1. I fear I have to be perfect in responding to everyone. If my response is my responsibility, then I am responsible for being perfect in my responses, and that idea overwhelms me and is certain to lead to guilt and shame when I am imperfect. 

My reply: But as humans, we can never be perfect but are growing by improving, learning from our mistakes, and giving ourselves some grace.

2. I fear I can never be offended. If my response is my responsibility, no one who wrongs me can be blamed for offending and upsetting me since their mistreatment shouldn’t offend and upset me. 

My reply: We will be affected by others who wrong, offend, and upset us, so we will never be indifferent, but we need not have a meltdown or explode in wrath due to the offense.

3. I fear God will punish me for my imperfect responses and for getting offended by others. 

My reply: There is no condemnation and punishment for those of us in Christ, only His loving discipline to put us back on the right path. 

4. I fear I will be falsely judged and profiled for not being as responsible as I should be in responding. When I subscribe to the idea that my response is my responsibility and tell my spouse, then if I react out of hurt, frustration, and anger, my spouse will profile me in a judgmental way. “See, there is something wrong with you!” 

My reply: This is your spouse’s issue and tactic to guilt-trip you because they know what you aim to do is correct, and they feel guilty for not responding and imitating you, so they throw your commitment back in your face when you misstep. Don’t take the bait.

5. I fear all blame will be placed on me during negative reactions. If I take the blame and do not justify myself for my reaction, my spouse will not take any ownership of their part in the episode. There is no mutual accountability, but everything is my fault. 

My reply: We all hope a spouse owns up to their part, but if they blame us for everything all the time, again, this is their issue, so stay the course and see how this plays out over time. 

6. I fear there will be no healthy boundaries. If my response is my responsibility, then I cannot claim and complain about unjust, unloving, and disrespectful treatment since I should always be the saint, no matter the conditions. I cannot require healthy boundaries or my spouse to treat me well. 

My reply: In saying my response is my responsibility, we mean controlling our emotions when confronting a spouse’s wrongdoing and in establishing healthy boundaries, not giving another license to do evil. 

7. I fear unhealthy suppression of my emotions. Since my response is my responsibility, I have no right to address my vulnerabilities and mistreatment since I should not be bothered. I am supposed to live above the fray. I should never surface my hurts, fear, and anger, since I shouldn’t have these feelings. I should have those under control. 

My reply: Again, we control our emotions, but that does not mean we never convey our emotions. We can say we are angry without exploding in anger. 

While the expression “My response is my responsibility” can initially raise concerns, it is crucial to approach it with a balanced perspective. Taking responsibility for our responses does not mean we must be perfect, never be offended, incur God’s discipline for our imperfections, and never take up offense. Nor does it mean accepting false profiling, accepting all blame, having no healthy boundaries, or suppressing all emotions.

Instead, this axiom, when applied, leads to greater freedom, empowerment, peace, maturity, independence, respectability, and authenticity. Let’s discuss next the seven benefits of applying “My response is my responsibility.

1. Greater Personal Freedom. My spouse cannot coerce me to hate or be bitter. I am free to control my inner person. My response is my right and freedom. Though my spouse affects me—I am not a robot—they cannot control my deepest heart. I am not at the mercy of their emotions nor at my own emotions, as though I have no freedom to respond differently. But when I believe my response is my responsibility, I do not cross the line into depression by blaming my spouse for failing to be a god to me. I do not attack them for failing to be responsible for my responses. My spouse is not responsible for my responses—I am, which means I am inwardly free to think, feel, and respond based on my faith and values. They cannot stop my inner world.

2. Greater Personal Empowerment. My response is my responsibility, and it stems from recognizing that my spouse cannot control my inner person. They lack the power to dictate how I should think, feel, or act in accordance with my faith and values. They cannot make me feel the way they want me to feel. Their influence does not extend to my inner world—my mind, heart, and will. I possess the power to think as I desire, feel as I choose, and act as I see fit. While limitations exist, such as financial betrayal and heartbreak, these do not render me impotent. By embracing the truth that my response is my responsibility, I am empowered to make different choices going forward. I retain the final say in what I think, feel, and do. I am not absolutely impotent. They cannot “make me feel” the way they want me to feel. I control my inner world.

3. Greater Personal Peace. Though I can be a victim because of a spouse’s mistreatment, I am not a hopeless and helpless victim. My spouse does not control my inner world. I have the freedom to live above the circumstance, as painful as that circumstance is. When I see myself as free and empowered, it is then I can turn to God for His wonderful presence and peace. “Lord, help me. Lord come to me. I need Your peace and presence.” This is why the Bible teaches peace as something apart from stressful circumstances and annoying people. The person who adheres to “My response is my responsibility” recognizes they can experience the peace and presence of God, and their spouse cannot prevent them from having that supernatural peace. 

4. Greater Personal Maturity. Just because my spouse acts immaturely toward me does not mean I must react similarly. When I believe that my response is my responsibility, I can act and react in mature ways. After all, I am free, empowered, and at peace, so why not respond as the adult in the room? I have the opportunity to demonstrate who I am, in addition to see this as another moment to develop and deepen my character when mistreated. One of the greatest signs of maturity is resilience. I can exercise consistent self-regulation, persist in speaking wise words, and not always react tit for tat in the face of my spouse’s immaturity. I can exercise a responsible response.

5. Greater Personal Independence. Embracing “My response is my responsibility,” I no longer depend solely on my spouse to make me happy or to prevent my unhappiness. At the same time, I confirm healthy dependence and interdependence while maintaining room for self-sufficiency. In other words, God expects healthy independence. I am not to be excessively reliant on my spouse. So, I take ownership of my responses and display a proactive and constructive manner. Again, though my spouse can interfere and create setbacks, they cannot do that totally, and even these are most often temporary until I adjust my response to be a responsible response. 

6. Greater Personal Respectability. When I make my response your responsibility, and you mistreat me, I will no doubt become bitter and unforgiving. Is that not my only recourse? Then, as a resentful and unpleasant person, others will keep their distance. They tire of the “woe is me” pity party. Who likes an irate and irritable person? However, when I hold to “My response is my responsibility,” I appear kind-hearted, focused on others, and generous. Others respect me, and even turn to me. I am a role model.

7. Greater Personal Authenticity. Too many folks live their lives blaming others for their reactions and justifying themselves for their reactions. Adam blamed both God and Eve for his behavior. Constantly rationalizing and deflecting responsibility wears one out. However, when we devote ourselves to the axiom “My response is my responsibility,” we find an end to the mental and emotional exhaustion of assigning blame for things we have done. We become authentic people. Others see us as the real deal. Though none of us enjoys confessing, the fact is, no one is perfect. For this reason, the soul who says, “My response is my responsibility,” no longer runs from their missteps but owns them and seeks forgiveness. Others see them as honest and humble and accept the apology. The axiom enables them to be authentic and stop living in a manufactured finger-pointing world.

Are there understandable fears when trying to live according to the axiom “My response is my responsibility”? Yes, I can see where the one having these fears is coming from but believe there are valid reasons to lessen those fears. Even more so, there are incredible benefits to living life according to “My response is my responsibility”! I pray you will test me on these benefits. I am confident you will agree!