Is Unconditional Respect Foolish and Impossible While Unconditional Love Is Wise?

People who think culturally, not biblically oftentimes stumble over the idea of unconditional respect. Ironically, they do not stumble over unconditional love. This is because society defends unconditional love but says a person must earn respect.

By implication, they can show disgust, disdain, rudeness, and contempt if they deem the other person unrespectable. They must, so they think, since unconditional respect will produce doormats, sanction evil, never confront, remove boundaries, feed narcissism, undermine freedom, and enable abuse. But is this actually true? Let’s look at each of these briefly in just a moment, but first let’s consider what we mean by unconditional respect.

Unconditional Positive Regard Toward the Spirit of the Person

Interestingly, anyone asked to define "unconditional love" will soon enough find common-sense applications. For example, on unconditional love, Wikipedia states, "Unconditional love separates the individual from her or his behaviors. However, the individual may exhibit behaviors that are unacceptable in a particular situation." 

In other words, unconditional love, as with unconditional respect, is not about loving and respecting another person's unacceptable behavior. That's absurd. It is about loving and respecting the inner man and inner woman independent of their failings. But it also may require confronting those unacceptable behaviors. Every mother loves her child unconditionally, but that does not mean she puts duct tape over her mouth for eighteen years and never counsels, confronts, or corrects her child. How harebrained and monstrous would that be?

Unconditional respect, as with unconditional love, is about showing love and respect toward the spirit of the person while lovingly and respectfully confronting that which is not lovable or respectable. The famous psychologist Carl Rogers referred to it as unconditional positive regard toward the other person.

Jesus distinguished the flesh from the spirit when He lovingly and respectfully rebuked three of His disciples for failing Him when He needed them. He said, "Your spirit is willing, but your flesh is weak." He disapproved of what they did in their flesh, yet He looked deeper into their soul and honored their spirit. We might say that He always had unconditional positive regard toward the inner man and woman while speaking the truth.

Unconditional love and respect mean that there is nothing the other person can do to cause me to show them hatred and contempt. Why? Jesus doesn't. This is about who I will be in imitation of Christ. This is about who I will be as a person independent of who my spouse fails to be.

In Love & Respect, I say about the respect side of Ephesians 5:33, "A simple application is that a wife is to display a respectful facial expression and tone when he fails to be the man she wants. She can give her husband unconditional respect in tone and expression while confronting his unloving behavior and without endorsing his unloving reactions. He may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman" (page 43).

It is the epitome of hypocrisy to hatefully confront a spouse for being disrespectful or contemptuously confronting a spouse who is unloving. That is the classic pot calling the kettle black.

At the same time, this is never about feeling affection and admiration for sinful actions. That's unthinkable and ludicrous.

Thinking Biblically

Does the Bible teach unconditional respect? Yes: in  1 Peter 2:17-18; 3:1-2; Romans 12:10. God calls us to be loving and respectful human beings independent of those around us. This is who we will be as a people. We will be loving and respectful toward the spirits of other people, especially as it requires us to speak what is true.

About marriage, in Ephesians 5:33, as I write in Love & Respect, "the Greek word Paul uses for love in this verse is agape, meaning unconditional love. And the wording of the rest of the passage strongly suggests that the husband should receive unconditional respect. It is an implied imperative. Every Greek scholar translates respect as an imperative. Christian spouses should not read this verse to say, ‘Husbands, love your wives unconditionally, and wives, respect your husbands only if they have earned and deserve it.’”

I continue, "Another writer of Scripture chimes in with Paul on this matter of respect for husbands. The apostle Peter wrote to wives that if any husbands were disobedient to God’s Word, ‘they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior’ (1 Peter 3:1–2; italics mine). Peter is definitely talking about unconditional respect. The husbands he mentions are either carnal Christians or unbelievers who are disobedient to the Word—that is, to Jesus Christ. God is not pleased with a man like this, and such a man does not ‘deserve’ his wife’s respect. But Peter is not calling on wives to feel respect; he is commanding them to show respectful behavior. This is not about the husband deserving respect; it is about the wife being willing to treat her husband respectfully without conditions" (Love & Respect, 18).

What Unconditional Respect Says

What does unconditional love say? “I will love you no matter what you do, though I will not love your wrongdoing.” The same for unconditional respect. “I will respect who you are created in God’s image. I do this because I am a dignified and respectful person regardless of your failings. I will show respect as a respectful person no matter what you have done, though I will not respect your wrongdoing and will confront it and definitely will not participate in it.”

In all of this, how convenient to dictate that others always be respectable so one can justify a contemptuous and disdainful attitude when they are not respectable. Blame is made so easy for not imitating and obeying Jesus Christ. Then one can snub God’s call and command in Ephesians 5:33 and 1 Peter 3:1-2, making the apostle Paul and Apostle Peter chauvinists who do not speak the very revelation of Christ (Galatian 1:12; Ephesians 3:3, 5; 2 Peter 3:15-16).

Back to the comments made in the introduction. Those who reject the concept of unconditional respect, what do they claim are the negative results of unconditional respect? 

Unconditional Respect . . .

. . . Produces Doormats

They hear unconditional respect to mean that they must never question anything. They must be unthinking, unspeaking, worthless, passive doormats. Yet, they know that unconditional love is not unquestioning. They know that unconditional love thinks and speaks. They know unconditional love may require tough love. They know that true love sets boundaries for the sake of oneself, the other, and Christ. So why would unconditional respect mean giving all that up to be a doormat? It doesn’t.

. . . Sanctions Evil

It amazes me that many of the people who know that unconditional love does not sanction unlovable or evil behavior have concluded that unconditional respect means one is to respect unrespectable and evil behavior. Therefore they claim that unconditional respect is foolish.

About unconditional love, people know that it does not mean giving the other person license to do whatever they carnally desire. But when it comes to unconditional respect, some think they are saying, “Because I unconditionally respect you, you can keep committing adultery with the neighbor and keep getting drunk every night and neglecting the children. I admire you." Why do they conclude two completely different responses?

. . . Never Confronts

About unconditional love, they know that such love confronts sinful behavior. But they think unconditional respect must mean not confronting sinful behavior but looking the other way.

They know that unconditional love is shown toward the sinner no matter what, while lovingly confronting the sin. They know that unconditional love may need to be tough love. However, when it comes to unconditional respect, they view confronting the sin with tough respect as no longer being unconditional. Again, why do they come to opposite conclusions on what “unconditional” means?

. . . Removes Boundaries

They know that unconditional love is toward the spirit of the person apart from their sinful conduct while seeking to establish boundaries on sinful behavior. They think that unconditional respect is shown toward evil conduct. In fact, they are to remove all boundaries to prove that they respect the person. But why would one establish boundaries and the other remove them? It does not make sense.

. . . Feeds Narcissism

They know that unconditional love is something the other person needs and will best motivate them to change for the better. They think unconditional respect feeds narcissism. They reject Dale Carnegie's comment, “Truly respecting others is the bedrock of motivation.” If showing unconditional love does not feed the ego in an unhealthy way, why do they conclude that unconditional respect will?

. . . Undermines Freedom

They know that unconditional love is about who God calls them to be as loving people who are free to love. They are not coerced into displaying hatred. This is about who God calls them to be, not about who their spouse fails to be. However, they are clueless when it comes to knowing that unconditional respect is about who God calls them to be as a respectful, dignified human being. They are free to refuse to become a contemptuous person, but they reject this idea and claim the other person causes them to be disrespectful and contemptuous. They spurn the idea disdainfully that the other person cannot prevent them from respectfully confronting their unrespectable behavior. They reject the teaching that unconditional respect is about who God calls them to be as a respectful, dignified Christ-follower.

They know that unconditional love means no condition, situation, or circumstance could get them to hate the other person. They know that they are free to display a loving attitude toward the image of God within the other person no matter how far they have fallen. They do not know that unconditional respect means no condition, situation, or circumstance could get them to have contempt for the other as a person created in God's image. They find it counterintuitive to show unconditional positive regard toward the heart of their spouse while confronting what is unrespectable. They do not believe they are free to do this.

. . . Enables Abuse

They know that unconditional love must be defended against enabling abuse since such love is not blind. Such love knows when to get out of harm's way. Such love may have to love from a distance. When a parent loves unconditionally in attitude and a child rebels and says dishonoring things, the parent does not conclude, "Oh, my love causes harm and is dangerous. I must stop at once." But when it comes to unconditional respect, it is blamed for enabling abuse without a second thought. In fact, some conclude, unconditional respect means to stay in harm's way. Unconditional respect means staying with a spouse who physically abuses you. In fact, one must prove one's respect by staying with a physically abusive person. Others say, "Unconditional respect must be vehemently opposed since unconditional respect caused the abuse." 

So why all these different views?

When it comes to unconditional respect, they are absentminded in applying the same meanings. It is like they get triggered by the expression of "unconditional respect" as though the idea is an irrational contradiction of terms, an oxymoron, that is untenable, implausible, and unscientific.

This stumbling block about unconditional respect confirms that people view love and respect as differing concepts. They are not synonymous. We feel love toward our rebellious teenage boy, but we do not feel respect. Or, we feel respect for our boss, but we do not feel love for him.

Love and Contempt

Interestingly, the University of Washington discovered from research that the two basic ingredients for a successful marriage are: Love and Respect. These differ. But they found that contempt (the opposite of respect) is "perhaps the most corrosive force in marriage."

If one gets it wrong and declares, "I have every right to show disrespect and contempt because my spouse doesn't deserve it and hasn't earned it," then a corrosive force has been released into the marriage. According to research, it is a caustic and venomous thing to say, "I love you but will forever have contempt for who you are as a human being."

What unconditional love and respect mean is that I will not be a hateful and contemptuous person in the face of my spouse's unacceptable behavior. Unconditional means that there is no condition, situation, or circumstance that can get me to stop loving and respecting the person God designed my spouse to be.

This isn't easy to do since we need God's help, but that differs from attacking unconditional respect as untrue or false teaching. Unconditional respect is not toxic. Disgust, disdain, derision, and disrespect are toxic. These are corrosive.