In What Areas Is He Feeling Disrespected? Diagnosing Your Deflated Husband

Is your normally happy-go-lucky husband suddenly more sulky and moody? Has your typically fully engaged and intimate husband for some mysterious reason become more distant and even physically absent? Is the man you’ve always bragged to your girlfriends about concerning his patience and grace toward you seeming to have a shorter fuse lately when it comes to setting him off?

If so, you’re probably tempted to point the finger at your husband, accuse him of “not being the man you fell in love with,” and try to figure out the best ways to “fix him.” But would you mind if I offered another, healthier place to begin? Somewhere that most likely none of your girlfriends, magazine articles, or even many professionals would recommend for you to begin at . . . you.

You see, I like to make the illustration that each of us is breathing through an air hose. The wife is breathing in agape-love from her husband through her air hose, and the husband is breathing in respect from his wife through his air hose (Ephesians 5:33). When she is being deprived of her deepest need—love—she feels as though her air hose is being stepped on. As a result, her husband will most likely see her spirit deflate and she will react negatively to not receiving her deepest felt need.

The same goes for the husband. When he is being deprived of his deepest need—respect—he feels as though his air hose is being stepped on. As a result, his wife will most likely see his spirit deflate and he will react negatively to not receiving his deepest felt need.

But how specifically is he feeling disrespected? This is vital for the wife to determine. When we go to the hospital, the doctor cannot treat us unless it is determined exactly how we are sick. Unfortunately, there is no single medicine or treatment that heals everything. The same goes for the “patient” feeling unloved or disrespected. In what area or areas is he feeling disrespected? The wife needs to determine this if she is going to figure out why he has been moody or distant or on-edge with her.

To do this, I recommend doing an evaluation based on the acronym C.H.A.I.R.S., which I explain thoroughly in my book Love & Respect. I use this acronym, though I know it is not politically correct, because in most cases men see themselves in the driver’s seat. They see themselves as the ones who should “chair” the relationship. Whether they are any good at chairing the relationship and being in the driver’s seat can be debated. But in terms of a man’s self-image, he needs to be the chairman; he needs to drive.

If you are stepping on your husband’s air hose, he is feeling disrespected and probably acting out in a very unloving way (which is not justified). But again, we need to determine exactly how he is feeling disrespected. Take a few moments to evaluate the following six areas of C.H.A.I.R.S. Ask yourself, is your husband feeling disrespected in his performance, his position, his power, his perspective, his partnership, or his passion?

Conquest: Does your husband feel disrespected in his performance as a working man?

A husband can deflate when feeling his wife is suggesting he is a loser not a winner, is failing not succeeding, or is behind not ahead. A man thinks in terms of "conquests" differently than his wife does, so he is sensitive to "put-downs" in this realm.

Hierarchy: Does your husband feel disrespected in his position as family protector and provider?

A husband can deflate when feeling his wife is suggesting he is below others, lower in status, undeserving of a position, or if he feels she is belittling him. A man thinks in terms of "hierarchy" differently than his wife does, so he is sensitive to "put-downs" in this realm.

Authority: Does your husband feel disrespected and stripped of the power to serve and lead?

A husband can deflate when feeling his wife is suggesting he is weak not strong, without say or sway, not in control or command, or unable to do something. A man thinks in terms of "authority" differently than his wife does, so he is sensitive to "put-downs" in this realm.

Insight: Does your husband feel disrespected for the perspective he attempts to apply to day-to-day activities?

A husband can deflate when feeling his wife is suggesting he is imperceptive, unenlightened, lacking good judgment, lacking logical analysis, failing to solve problems, or uncaring for being too logical. A man thinks in terms of "insight" differently than his wife does, so he is sensitive to "put-downs" in this realm.

Relationship: Does your husband feel disrespected in the lack of partnership you seem to value in him?

A husband can deflate when feeling his wife is suggesting he is unlikable, without a desire for closeness, not a romantic companion, a bad listener, and basically not a very good person interpersonally. A man thinks in terms of "relationship" differently than his wife does, so he is sensitive to "put-downs" in this realm. He thinks more about a shoulder-to-shoulder friendship, doing activities together as friends, and assesses himself and their relationship more through that grid.

Sexuality: Does your husband feel disrespected because of how he expresses his passion differently than you do?

A husband can deflate when feeling his wife is suggesting he is oversexed, unworthy of a sexual response, or to be rewarded sexually only if he is good. A man thinks in terms of "sexuality" differently than his wife does, so he is sensitive to "put-downs" in this realm.

Which of these stood out to you as real possibilities for what may be bothering your husband? Think back to when your husband deflated or his mood shifted. Is he bipolar or did you say or do something that not only deflated him but defeated him, and he shut down? I am not justifying his response, only telling you that this is the logic behind his mood shift. He does not have a chemical imbalance, anymore than you do when he suggests you are fat. Each of us has vulnerabilities that manifest themselves with a quick mood swing! We react.

Have you been stepping on any of these specific air hoses? What will you do about it? How will you assure him of your respect for his desire in that area (even if his performance is less than you expect)?

One simple suggestion is to say, “I am so sorry for what I just said. I did not intend this as a message of disrespect. I was venting my concern because I do believe in you and want you to become even more the honorable man I see you to be. However, I realize how what I addressed could feel like a put-down. Will you forgive me?”

Observe his response. If you see his spirit soften, you are on to something and need to learn more about what this means when communicating your heart to your husband. I predict you’ll find out that he closes off to you not simply because of what you wish to share with him as a burden of your heart but more because he believes the real message you are communicating is, “I am saying this to put you down and point out to you that I don’t respect who you are as my husband and as a man.” 

Every wife needs to reassure her husband that she does not intend to send a message of disrespect; otherwise, she will be baffled as to why he suddenly turns sulky and moody.

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