How Is C.H.A.I.R.S. The Key to Having More Meaningful Conversations With Your Husband?

Many wives share disappointment that their husbands rarely talk to them at a deeper level. “Emerson, when we were dating, we used to talk long into the night getting to really know each other. What happened to him?” Or, “My best friend and her husband go out on dates all the time and have so much fun together. But I’m not sure my husband and I would have anything to say to each other if we didn’t have the kids around. I don’t think we’ve had a deep conversation in fifteen years! We’re just not on the same page any more. Why won’t he talk with me?” 

If you can relate to these wives, you may be surprised to hear that you and your husband, more than likely, are actually on the same page still. It’s just that you’re reading and writing in different languages on this page. Women are communicating using the ever-popular language of Love, while the men are practicing the often-ignored, ancient language of Respect. And if you don’t at least understand how to interpret the other’s native tongue, you will indeed never feel as though you are on the same page or ever having any truly deep, meaningful conversations.

In our Love and Respect Marriage Conference, we detail six ways that spell respect to a husband, using the acronym C.H.A.I.R.S.

Conquest—Appreciate his desire to work and achieve.

Hierarchy—Appreciate his desire to protect and provide.

Authority—Appreciate his desire to serve and to lead.

Insight—Appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel.

Relationship—Appreciate his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship.

Sexuality—Appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy.

We have found that even just hearing or seeing these needs of men put into words, perhaps for the first time, can become life-changing for both husbands and wives. Men are saying, “Yes, yes, yes! Thank you, Emerson, for putting to voice the deepest desires of my heart!” And many wives are realizing the importance of such things to their husband for the first time ever, some of whom have been married for multiple decades! What is oftentimes missed, however, is how these six aspects of C.H.A.I.R.S. relate to communication.

A wife wrote, "After viewing the C.H.A.I.R.S. portion of the series, it ministered to my husband so much that he talked that Sunday night for two and a half hours. It was so awesome to connect with my husband in a new way." What wouldn’t most every wife I’ve ever met or heard from give to have a two-and-a-half-hour conversation with their husband! What was the secret for this wife who wrote me? She began communicating to her husband in his mother-tongue—respect!—using C.H.A.I.R.S. as the basis. And because her husband felt his wife finally understood and appreciated these six dimensions, he was more than willing to talk . . . and talk . . . and talk . . . for two and a half hours!

Because too often in a relationship, the man’s mother-tongue is rarely, if ever, spoken. Instead, most of their conversations revolve around the wife’s mother-tongue of love, whether it’s about how she is feeling in a matter as it relates to showing love or around what she wants him to feel or say as it relates to love.

Certainly, his native language of respect is not more important than her native language of love. Just as both men and women need love and respect equally, both also need to learn the importance of the other’s need for love and respect and to practice communicating in their spouse’s native language.

But for the wife frustrated with feeling that she and her husband rarely communicate any more on a deeper level, I propose taking another look at C.H.A.I.R.S. and considering how you may use it to decode your husband’s cries for respect, and as a result open up the doors for hours-long conversations you never dreamed were even possible.

Conquest: If he feels his work is unappreciated, you’ll hear about it.

When a man’s wife is his suitable helper and a supporter of his pursuits in the workplace, a husband feels respected. But when her attention and energy are drawn elsewhere, she may hear her husband say something like, “Your focus is always on the kids. I’m happy you’re a great mom, but what about us?” She would do well to decode these words to get at the real meaning behind them—a cry for respect. 

Hierarchy: If his desire to protect and provide is being squelched, he may send a coded message.

If a husband is making ill-advised remarks such as, “Nothing I do is good enough. You are never satisfied” or “Stop being a worrywart and freaking out about what I earn,” though they may sound unloving, comments like these are most likely code for “It’s kinda scary being the head of this family, and I’m doing all that I know how. I need your support and for you to respect my desire to provide for you.” 

Authority: Listen for and respect his desire to serve and to lead.

In a Love and Respect marriage, there should be a give-and-take when it comes to making decisions that affect both spouses. But when a husband has to make the final call, he needs to feel his wife respects him even if she strongly disagrees with his final decision. 

Insight: Don’t let your woman’s intuition make you deaf to his desire to analyze and counsel.

Oftentimes, women share problems with their husbands simply looking for a listening ear, not his advice or solutions. So when her husband who wants to feel respected for his ability to analyze and counsel tries to share his thoughts but hears back from her, “Quit trying to fix me!” he will either shut down immediately or come back with, “Why tell me your problems if you don’t want my help?” and then shut down. A wise wife would recognize this desire of her husband’s and be honest with him about times when she’s looking to vent and times when she’s looking for counsel. But either way, he should always feel that his counsel is respected, whether needed in that moment or not.

Relationship: His desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship may seem a bit odd, but keep your ears open for it anyway.

When a wife is friendly and shows that she likes her husband, particularly by doing shoulder-to-shoulder activities with him, he will feel respected. A wise wife will listen out for the times when her husband asks something like, “Can’t you let that go for a few minutes and watch the rest of the game with me?” and realize that what she may see as a meaningless use of her time (watching a game she cares nothing about) will communicate levels of respect to her husband that will mean a great deal to him.

Sexuality: Listen carefully. His desire for sexual intimacy is much deeper than merely physical.

Sexuality messages can be both the easiest and the hardest to decode. Some husbands will be very up-front, while others may be too proud to say anything obvious, but will instead send coded messages that voice their sexual frustrations. Regardless of which way a husband goes, the best approach for a wife is to realize his need for sexuality is usually one of his strongest, on par with her need for emotional intimacy.

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So what does decoding C.H.A.I.R.S. have to do with having more quality, deeper conversations with your husband? The fact is, though I don’t know your husband, I do know that he is communicating to you. More than likely, though, he’s just not doing so in a language you understand. But he may be trying to tell you that he’s not feeling respected in his commitment to work, or in his desire to lead the family, or in his longing to have you come alongside him in “his” activities.

But when a wife takes a genuine interest in his activities, when she shares with him how much she respects his counsel, when she recognizes his need for sexual release that only she can meet and even initiates the intimacy, I bet she will see her husband moving toward her with interest and energy. She will very likely observe him communicating to her in her own mother-tongue of love. Like the wife who wrote above, they may just end up talking for two and a half hours!

So you wish you could have deeper conversations with your husband? Doesn’t it make sense that this can only happen if you’re speaking each other’s language? And who better to be the mature one and move first than you?