How Can We Respect Someone Who Is Not Very Respectable?

“Respect is earned.” Have you heard that sentiment before? It’s a fairly popular thought in culture today, even bleeding into the church and our interpretations of passages like Ephesians 5:33: “However, each one of you [husbands] also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

The writer of this passage, Paul, used the Greek word agape for “love,” which means a God-kind of love, a sacrificial love without conditions. Few people argue that a husband’s love for his wife should be unconditional, and not something she needs to earn from him.

But there’s not always the same agreement concerning the command of respect for the husband given in this same passage. The following question I received from the leader of a church small group going through the Love and Respect Conference video series is one I’ve heard often:

I have an issue that comes up and am hoping you could bring me clarity.

Participants have stated, “But respect is earned, how can you say it's unconditional?” Yes, I understand Ephesians 5 and the strong implications that it is unconditional, along with the related passage in 1 Peter 3:1-2. But how do we reconcile what we teach our children that a person must earn their respect? The first time you meet someone you don't automatically respect them since you don't know them.

Or is the aphorism "earn respect" really a falsehood, a perpetuated lie?

Would appreciate any help to understand this issue.

This leader is right when he says that the first time we meet someone we don’t automatically feel a great deal of respect for them, since we don’t even know them. They could be the next great humble civil rights leader like Martin Luther King Jr., or they could be a protégé of Charlie Manson. But hopefully upon introductions we don’t assume the latter and treat them in a disrespectful way until they prove otherwise. Instead, we assume goodwill, we give the benefit of the doubt, and we behave in a respectful manner . . . even though this stranger hasn’t “earned our respect” at this point in the relationship.

This is similar to what we are talking about when we teach that a wife is to show unconditional respect toward her husband. But it’s also the condition for which we believe unconditional love is possible in every marriage.

Is every woman lovable, at all times, in every way? If we’re all being completely honest, we’d have to say no. So if she is not lovable, must she then earn her husband’s love? No. Instead, he needs to focus on being a loving husband regardless of his wife being lovable. Ephesians 5:33 is about who God called him to be, not about who she fails to be. To love someone unconditionally means there’s no condition, situation, or circumstance in which she can get her husband to hate her.

Again, you won’t find too many people arguing against this teaching of unconditional love. People stumble, though, when it comes to unconditional respect. But the same idea applies. Is every man respectable, at all times, in every way? Again, if we’re honest, we would all agree, no he’s not. So if he’s not respectable, must he then earn respect? The culture says yes. But we believe Scripture says no. In 1 Peter 3:1-2, the apostle addressed wives of husbands who were being “disobedient to the word.” What could be less worthy of respect than a man disobeying Scripture? Even so, Peter told these wives that their “chaste and respectful behavior” toward their disobedient husbands just might win them over to the Lord. 

Based on this, we would say that the wife of a man not being very respectable still needs to put on a respectable demeanor while confronting those things that are not respectable. Because Ephesians 5:33 is about who God calls her to be, not about who he fails to be. To show unconditional respect does not mean that a husband has proven to be a respectable person at all times but that there is no condition, situation, or circumstance in which he can get her to show him contempt. She refuses to be a woman who lacks dignity, independent of her husband’s actions.

Now, should a wife work at being more lovable? Absolutely. Should a husband work at being more respectable? Of course. But even for the most lovable or respectable person, there will still be plenty of times when they fail to reach the standard of “lovable” and “respectable.” But this does not mean that the other person can show them hate and contempt because they fail that standard. Instead, we can always choose to behave in a loving and respectful manner, independent of our spouse’s actions.  

This is what it means to show unconditional love and respect. It’s not about what others have done to “earn it,” but about who you are called to be.