Does Your Spouse Have Your Permission? From Steve and Barbara Telzerow

Courtship and the first few months of marriage is a unique time in a couple’s relationship. We are usually focused on our partner’s strengths and rarely aware of the weaknesses or quirks that all of us have. This has been pointed out in the well-known statement “First opposites attract and then opposites attack.” 

When two people live in such close proximity on a daily basis, it is inevitable that spouses will experience irritations due to the behaviors, habits, or customs of the other spouse. Every marriage is a cross-cultural experience. Tensions arise over the myriad of differences that males and females have, not to mention differences in temperament, personality, spiritual gifting, and family history.

Of course, it is very important for every couple to work hard at keeping a positive climate between them. In my home specifically, no one else is responsible for its atmosphere other than my wife, Barbara, and me. If negativity becomes a regular part of our culture, then we are responsible for it. That is not to shame anyone, but to empower everyone, because we have the power to change it. At the same time, we need to figure out a way to be able to address issues between us that may be sensitive to one or the other without things escalating on the Crazy Cycle. How can we successfully remove the speck in our spouse’s eye that is apparent to us but not conscious to them? Jesus gave us a process in Matthew 7:1-5 to help make these inevitable “conversations” fruitful.

Giving Permission

It is important for couples to give permission to each other to address issues that may be sensitive to the other. That means if we see something in each other that we feel is not good or maybe needs a little correction, or if we are expressing a need of ours that we feel has been neglected, then we agree to follow a few steps. This should be done during a peaceful time when no conflicts are apparent. Barbara and I have taken our cue from Matthew 7, when Jesus talks about not judging one another. We have to be careful with the standards and the measures we use with each other (v. 1). But it is impossible when two people are living so close to each other that we do not always notice weaknesses, shortcomings, misbehavior, or failures. But just as we hope that our spouse will be gracious with our shortcomings, so we should be with our spouses. 

Of course, we must always be prepared to see the issues in our own life (the log) before we set out on our mission to inform our spouse about the issues in their life (the speck). The “log” is a reminder to be strict with me and gracious with my spouse. In many cases, a person can become strict and critical of their spouse while easily letting me off the hook at every turn. This awareness of the disproportionate size between a log and a speck puts us in the right frame of mind when needing to confront. This will at least temper our approach to avoid sounding judgmental or self-righteous when genuinely wanting to help our spouse. 

What does giving permission look like? One day, I said to Barbara while drinking coffee together, "Babe, if you see anything in my behavior, attitudes, or words that are less than honorable, then I want to give you permission to let me know. I know I have weaknesses and we have been given to each other as a catalyst for growth. If you see something that is worth pointing out, then I give you permission to let me know. However, please do it respectfully." I know Barbara is good-willed and equipped with an awareness of my need for respect, so she will use this permission wisely. With this statement I paved the way for her to approach me while also setting out expectations. Barbara then reciprocated, "Steve, if you see anything in my behavior, attitudes, or words that are less than honorable, then I want to give you permission to let me know. If you see something that is worth pointing out, then you have my permission to let me know. However, please do it lovingly." 

Be Aware of the Natural Defense System

This gives us the basis and permission we need to help remove the speck (v. 5). However, even when we have permission, it is important that we move gently and slowly when highlighting a weakness or undesirable behavior in our spouse. It is human nature to defend ourselves when something in our behavior, attitudes, or words is called into question. Our defense system of self-justification kicks in and sabotages any good-willed attempt to address our flesh. Of course, it is wise to choose our battles carefully, but when two people are living in such close proximity, it is inevitable that they will need to address each other’s "issues." Of course, we never touch the dignity of our spouse, but addressing behaviors, attitudes, or words should be allowed.

The picture of a speck in the eye is very illustrative. I cannot get a speck out of Barbara's eye without both her permission and her cooperation. If I go at it on my own terms, then I will cause her more harm than help. My approach, tone, word choice, timing, and location all play a role in the success of removing a speck. In approaching Barbara I need to do it lovingly. When Barbara approaches me she needs to do it respectfully. Cooperation is key. Letting our partner know, "Hey Steve, do you remember when we gave each other permission to address any behavior, attitude, or words that we thought was less than honorable?... " This "introduction" gives Steve enough time to keep the reins on his defensive horses from getting away from him. Her request was honorable. I am reminded that we gave this permission. I may not like what I am about to hear, but I have to be the mature one and "take it like a man." And of course she will be able to "take it like a woman." J 

Move with Caution

Even when permission is given, we have to move toward the eye that contains a speck gently and slowly. The actual physical attempt to remove a speck from another person’s eye should be illustrative of the gentle approach we need for a successful conversation about the issues that couples must talk about. Imagine working with another person to get something out of their eye. You can’t go there if they won’t let you. If they let you then they will put their head back, use their hand to open their eye socket, and then gesture to let you in. All of this clearly points to a careful and gentle approach. Seek to understand first. Don’t be accusative toward your spouse. Make your need known and use the filter of love and respect for your speech. All this can make these kinds of "confrontations" more fruitful. I don't necessarily like them, but I know they are good for me. It is kind of like eating my vegetables when I was a kid. I didn't like eating them, but they were good for me nonetheless. 

A Speck Not Sawdust Everywhere

Jesus pointed out something very important about human nature. We were not designed to carry or handle large amounts of negativity. It is important that we keep the relationship positive. We must avoid flooding our spouse with negativity or too many issues at once. The passage in Matthew 7 refers to a speck (singular). As a general rule, when a spouse feels the necessity to address their partner following the guidelines spelled out here, limit the number of issues to one maybe two. If you are not sure then ask your spouse. Avoid flooding your spouse, particularly husbands who are more vulnerable to perceived criticisms, by bringing up multiple issues at one time. We are talking about a speck and not sawdust everywhere.

Barbara has alerted me to conversations with people when it seemed that I was ignoring them or I may have said something in a less-than-friendly tone. She did not do it immediately, but when we were in private with no apparent stress. "Steve, do you remember when we gave permission . . . ? I'm not criticizing you. You are so good with people. It seemed to me last time when talking with Marko that you ignored his question. You may have been thinking about something else. However, it might be good just to call him and offer a response." We've had issues with raising the kids, discipline, and responses to the kids that we may not have agreed with. When Barbara became a little historical (not hysterical) with one of our sons when addressing him, I later said, “Do you remember that we gave permission to each other [I smile and wait] . . . ? May I point out one thing from last time when you and Tim were talking [renew the permission]? You are so good with the boys. I just noticed that you got historical with him and brought up things from the past. It seemed a little unfair. However, I totally agree he needs to keep the room clean.” By following these guidelines it has helped us to address sensitive issues without them blowing up into Crazy Cycle arguments. We are certainly not experts. We are still learning how to do this lovingly and respectfully.

A quick summary for these Rules of Engagement:

1. Give permission to your spouse. Be the mature one and move first.

2. Be aware of the log. Remember the disproportionate size.

3. Reaffirm your partner's permission to highlight “one” issue.

4. Seek cooperation.

5. Move gently and carefully, speaking with love and respect.

6. Keep things positive.