Do Different Reactions Toward Their Spouse’s Contempt Mean One Is More Justified than the Other?

Over the years, I have heard from many women who feel they have more of a right to speak harshly and disrespectfully to their husband than he does to speak unlovingly toward her. Or even if they admit that they do not necessarily have a “right” to speak as they do with their husband, they definitely feel they are “less wrong” than he is.

In large part, the argument they make to justify this view is based on each other’s reactions to their spouse’s harsh words. In general, the man will become angry and react so when his wife speaks disrespectfully to him (in her mind, justifying that he is deserving of such disrespect); while the wife is more likely to break down and cry if her husband speaks angrily and harsh with her (in her mind, showing that such unloving words were not necessary to get through to his soft, hurting wife). 

On this topic, one wife wrote me recently:

Let's just pretend for a moment that I was disrespectful to my husband, full of contempt and dishonor and he dislikes it immensely. Does that give him the right to argue in the method that he is doing now? My own opinion is no. He is being harsh to his wife and his prayers are hindered. And out of the abundance of his heart his mouth speaks. It is my thought that inside of him is anger and contempt for me. . . . But to answer your question, I will tell you that his biggest complaint is that I don't respect him. Now, on the flip side, my biggest complaint is not that he doesn't love me, rather that he doesn't respect me as a person.

Does anyone else see the incredible contradiction in her line of reasoning? Yes, she is right that her husband does not gain the right to argue with contempt and dishonor if she were to first speak to him with contempt and dishonor. Jesus was clear in the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5) about turning our cheeks, not retaliating, and loving our enemies. Two wrongs never make a right. 

Also, she is correctly referencing 1 Peter 3:7 when she talks about her husband’s prayers being hindered when he does not honor her and speak to her in an understanding way. She is also familiar with Matthew 12:34, when she speaks of how “out of the abundance of his heart his mouth speaks.”

But how can one justify using such arguments and scriptures against their spouse while not holding themselves to the same qualifications? It is a double standard. She is in essence saying, “I should be able to be full of contempt for him and he should not react the way he does, in anger, harshness, and contempt toward me. Further, I have a right to complain that he does not respect me, but he is out of line for complaining that I don’t respect him.” This would be humorous if not so sad.

Why do some women interpret their marriage like this? On the one hand, most wives see themselves as the weaker vessel and therefore he has a greater responsibility to be understanding and honoring. And, I agree with her on this front. First Peter 3:7 is saying this. On the other hand, many wives do not see the vulnerability in the husband, only their own vulnerability. In part, it goes back to how—in general—the man acts defensively and angrily when feeling disrespected, and the woman acts hurt and broken (breaking down in tears) when feeling unloved. These two different ways of responding to harsh treatment and spiteful words is why women like the wife who wrote me see themselves as the victims and the husbands as the victimizers. His reaction proves to her that he is the culprit, while her reaction proves that she is more vulnerable.

But the truth is, a wife can kill a man’s spirit just as quickly as a man can kill his wife’s spirit. Yes, their defensive reactions may be different—he becomes the angry prince, whereas she becomes the weeping princess—but the initial offense is of the same level. 

No one would argue why she is vulnerable to his harsh and unloving words; it is obvious to all that he is angry and is expressing contempt. However, what’s not as clear to many is how his inner spirit is equally vulnerable, because he is not designed by God to live with a wife who has contempt for him. Read these scriptures from Proverbs:

• “The contentions of a wife are a constant dripping.” (19:13)
•  “It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” (21:9)
•  “A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike.” (27:15)

Who has not wanted to scream at a constantly dripping faucet that would not stop or quiet down? That is why he reacts as he does at times to his contentious wife. It does not make it right, of course, but should he be held to a different standard of speaking lovingly and respectfully than his wife does, just because his natural reaction is to become angry and hers is to cry?

No. They are both wrong. They are both being unloving and disrespectful. They are both being victimizers. 

And I do not believe God will honor either of their prayers as they continue to be full of contempt and dishonor toward each other.