Ask Yourself This Question If You Want to Be a More Effective Communicator

“Is that which I am about to say going to build trust or undermine trust in the person listening to me?”

When my interpersonal dynamics professor asked that question one day during my sophomore year in college, it revolutionized my thinking as a nineteen-year-old male. That question sparked in my mind a realization that there were effective ways to communicate, as well as ineffective ways. That statement opened the door that gave me entrance into a whole new world.

Yes, I knew this at one level, as we all do. This isn't rocket science. We all know cursing at another person when heatedly exchanging ideas won't win their hearts and undermines trust with that individual.

But I didn't know there was a whole field of science dedicated to studying communication between two people. There were actually principles—specific axioms—that could govern my communication. As a nineteen-year-old, I was totally ignorant of this branch of knowledge that existed. Clueless! Up to that point in my life, I had received no information that there were scientific guidelines and guardrails for opening one's mouth. This professor's question ignited in me a desire to discover more of this studied science. When exposed to the social science on interpersonal dynamics, this discipline awakened in me the realization that there is a sophisticated and researched understanding of how people should talk to each other. This systematically organized field of study went way beyond Thumper's philosophy, "If you don't have somethin' nice to say, don't say nuthin’ at all."

I felt new confidence come over me. I could do this. I could be a more effective communicator based on a plan. This comprehension and awareness commenced a transformation in me that continues fifty years later.

The application at first was simple. For instance, I pulled back from saying such things as, "That's a stupid idea," or worse, "You are stupid for thinking that way." Those statements would put the other person on the defensive and contribute to distrust between us. I suppose the question to ask before speaking should not have been a lightbulb moment for me but it was.

One would think that I would know such things, and at one level I did. But the revolutionary moment for me was when I realized a conceptual framework could guide and guard me related to communication: before I speak, while I speak, and after I speak (if I misspoke). In the beginning, I let that question govern my comments, and I quickly noted how it reduced tension with other people when we debated ideas. They seemed to engage me differently than before, responding more positively and even favorably. I felt my influence increasing. Too, as I applied that question ("Is that which I am about to say going to build trust or undermine trust?"), there was a greater calmness in my spirit.

I soon recognized that this question didn't require me to withhold my opinions and beliefs but helped me communicate them in ways that sounded loving and respectful. I learned that people often negatively reacted to me not because of what I was saying but because of how I was saying it. Strangely, you can think you know something but not know it.

How about you? Yes, you are aware of psychology and sociology. But have you given consideration to a field of study on the specifics of how two people interact—how person “A" should talk to person “B"? As I look at the mistakes people make when interacting with others, I wonder, "Could it be that these folks have never tasted the sweetness of a staple way of relating to others?" Could things change for the better if they asked themselves before speaking, "Is that which I'm about to say going to build trust or undermine trust?"

Has anyone challenged you to ask this question before you speak? Given you acted on this, might you find people letting themselves be influenced by what you say?

My dad never stopped to ask himself this question in the early years of our family. Instead, he continued to yell at my mother. In his way of thinking, screaming would influence Mom and solve the problem. But it never did. I wondered as a little boy why my dad didn't talk differently. Today, I ascertained that he never came up with guidelines and guardrails for his speech. If something isn't working, why didn't he make an adjustment? He never did, not in the early years. Instead, he kept getting angry and putting Mom on the defensive. She would close off to guard her heart in a self-protective manner. My dad missed this interpersonal dynamic. I saw firsthand that my mom found it hard to entrust her feelings and thoughts to Dad. Dad undermined their trust. If only he had asked himself: "Is that which I am about to say going to build trust or undermine trust?" If he had, Mom and I would have responded with open and responsive hearts.

How about you? What positive results might come from you asking yourself the same question: “Is that which I am about to say going to build trust or undermine trust?” Specifically, how would your communication with your spouse look different?