Are You Humbly Voicing a Need or Formalizing a Complaint?

In the beginning, after God had created Adam and placed him in the garden to cultivate it, He said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18). Out of Adam’s rib, God fashioned for him his helper, Eve. Even in paradise, Adam needed Eve, and Eve needed Adam. Fast-forward to the twenty-first century, and that has yet to change. 

All husbands and wives still need each other in multiple ways, including sexually, emotionally, and socially. As well, Scripture teaches us that both have the right and responsibility to say to the other, “I need you.” Though to admit as much runs the risk of sounding dependent, having such dialogue regularly and freely helps both spouses avoid expecting the other to read their mind or defaulting to ineffective ways of communicating.

However, something I have heard from more than a few wives is that oftentimes they struggle with allowing the conversation that they know should be about expressing their needs to their husband to turn into more about voicing their complaints. The main difference between the two is that the former focuses on a positive (“I need your help in this way . . . Being the loving and honorable husband I know you are, can you do this for me?”) while the latter emphasizes the negative (“I hate it when you act in this way . . . You’re never going to change, are you?”).

Can you relate to one wife who wrote to me?

Until recently I tended to avoid discussions about my needs and instead focused on my complaints. I would spend several days stewing about the need/complaint in frustration, talking myself in and out of it being an honest need/complaint in the first place. Once I made up my mind then I'd mull over what to say and rehearse what his response could be. Then I'd just tell him when we had a spare moment.

Over the years I have heard this mental process described exactly like this from a number of wives. The starting point is usually when the husband says or does something to hurt his wife’s feelings. Usually it is unintentional, a misunderstanding due to differences in gender, personality, upbringing, or spiritual gifting. However, though there was no evil intent from the husband, the wife is still hurt—and her hurt is very real—and somehow it needs to be dealt with in a healthy way. Unfortunately, oftentimes the wife begins a four-step process that usually ends with the two of them taking a few spins on the Crazy Cycle.

First, the wife stews about the matter for a period of time. It could be only as long as a twenty-minute car ride home after work or it could last a week. Either way, the time is not spent in prayer, in the Bible, or in goodwilled meditation. Instead she is stewing, getting closer and closer to her boiling point.

Second, she goes on and on in private conversation with herself, rehearsing everything she wants to say to him, as well as everything he might respond back with. If he says this, she’ll respond this way; if he says that, she’ll be ready with this comeback. Before the real dialogue has even begun, she has already written out in her mind a dozen different scripts for how it may go, most of which are not positive.

Third, she looks for the open door to tell him her honest, negative complaints, fully hoping that he will hear her complaints and immediately understand her, validate her, and then apologize to her. In the theater of her mind, this method should work if he truly loves her as he claims.

Fourth and finally, this dialogue does not go as planned. Her husband does not interpret her complaints positively and fails to empathize and apologize. Instead he, too, is now angry—because of what he interpreted as disrespectful complaints—which causes her to view him as even more unloving than she believed him to be previously.

And they are off on the Crazy Cycle! Round and round they go, where it stops no one knows.

When you find yourself in a similar predicament, can I encourage you to reword that complaint you have scripted out in your head into a humble confession of a need you have? Maybe it’s a need you have as a woman that he doesn’t get because he’s a man. Perhaps it’s a need he isn’t aware of because of God-designed personality differences between the two of you. Whatever the case, would you assume your goodwilled husband loves you unconditionally and wants to satisfy your needs, if only he knew what they were?

For example, if you become frustrated that your husband comes home exhausted from work and too often only wants to veg out in front of the TV instead of having a date, doing a puzzle together, or talking in the kitchen, would you refrain from giving him the what-for and complaining that he doesn’t care about spending time with you, and instead say something like:

“When you said you want to watch Netflix each evening, I fully understood your desire to enjoy a night of relaxing and watching something entertaining. Sometimes, it feels unloving to me since I need to have quality time with you like we used to have when dating. Just the two of us connecting. How do I tell you of my need to be close to you without you feeling like I’m ignoring your desire to relax? How do I tell you of my need for more intimacy without you feeling like I am complaining?”

Or when you feel he is more interested in fixing you than simply listening to you as you give the report to build the rapport, instead of snapping at everything he suggests and telling him in no uncertain terms, “I don’t need your help!” would you consider saying instead:

“When you give me quick solutions, I know you are trying to be helpful. You have goodwill. However, most often I just need a listening ear, not solutions. I need to know you are hearing me and know what I am going through. This makes me feel better. This feels caring and loving to me. How can I tell you that I just want to be heard without shutting you down, along with your desire to help?”

Can you see the difference? Do you understand how one way leads to the Crazy Cycle where the other leads to deepening the relationship? One way leads to further bitterness and frustration and the other brings resolution.

When a wife humbly confesses her needs to her goodwilled husband, instead of voicing complaints, I believe the ensuing conversation and actions will be what her heart is seeking. If you are still unsure, there’s only one way to find out!

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