Are You Fighting a Battle Your Spouse Doesn’t Even Know You Are Having?

Husbands and wives will find themselves in conflict with each other—that is undeniable. In fact, because the apostle Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 7:28 that those who marry “will have trouble in this life,” we can also conclude that some conflict within marriage is by God’s design.

After all, husbands and wives are not clones of each other. With different genders, temperaments, families of origin, and spiritual giftings—all uniquely designed by God—no two people will have the same opinions and reactions to every situation.

For example, a woman who just spent an hour talking with her best friend over coffee will likely have touched on matters of the heart while with her, and will want to relay much of her uplifting conversation to her husband, given that doing so would not be betraying confidence or taking part in gossip. Her husband, however, can spend all morning in a hunting blind with his old college roommate, and will typically not have any kind of “news” to report to his wife other than what they shot at. And when she asks how his old roommate’s pregnant wife is doing, he is likely to respond, “Topic never came up.”

Or if a wife grew up in a home where, after their nightly family dinner, she saw her dad helping her mom wash and dry the dishes every night, catching up on the day as they worked together, she is likely to not only wish to have that same time with her own husband but to expect it as normal in a marriage. However, what if her husband’s family never even ate dinner together, let alone helped each other with the dishes, as his dad worked the third shift and the kids were always at different sports practices? Because of these two extremely different upbringings when it comes to family dinnertime, the new couple is going to find themselves in a conflict of expectations.

And oftentimes, the wife will understandably be hurt. Wanting to have some quality face-to-face time with her husband, connecting emotionally as she reports about her earlier conversation with her friend or hearing from her husband how his day with his hunting buddy went, she is miffed when he doesn’t share the same desire or gives one-word answers to everything she asks.

Or when he not only doesn’t help clean up the kitchen after dinner, but he doesn’t even hold the idea of a family dinnertime as important, many times opting instead to eat much later than the rest of the family, she is perturbed that something she holds as important for a family does not carry the same value in her husband’s eyes.

It’s here that a Crazy Cycle can rear its ugly head. She blasts her husband with something like, “You don’t care at all about what Stephanie and I discussed today, do you? It was such a refreshing time, exactly what I needed, and all I want to do is share it with you, and you could just care less. And seriously, you spent all day hunting with Patrick and you don’t even know how his pregnant wife is doing? What is wrong with you? Don’t you care about anyone?!”

Or, after three hours in the kitchen, cooking, preparing, eating, and cleaning up, she storms into her husband’s study and says, “I’m just your little slave, aren’t I? You can’t help me in the kitchen at all? Not even sit at the counter and talk about your day while I clean up? Can you not even stand to be in my sight anymore?!”

In both of these situations, the husband, taken by surprise, is likely to withdraw from the scene as quickly as possible. Confused and feeling disrespected, he leaves to go tinker in the garage with the radio on loud as his wife stews in the living room until her anger boils over, causing her to find him and pick up the argument where they left off.

In these scenarios, the wife is hurt, and understandably so. Her pain and opinions should not be brushed aside. But let me ask you, is she hurting because her husband was hurtful? Meaning, was the husband trying to disregard his wife’s desire to connect face to face and share about their day? Was he intending to deprive his wife of any kind of help and emotional connection in the kitchen? 

Was it the husband’s actual intent to hurt his wife, or was her hurt based on a misinterpretation of her husband?

A wife wrote me recently after realizing how often she was getting hurt in her marriage in times when her husband, in no way whatsoever, was intending to be hurtful toward her. Rather she was getting hurt by the differences between them that were actually part of God’s unique designs for each of them.

I tend to take things extremely personal—God has blessed me with a heart so full of compassion and love, however, I find myself critical of people who don't “show” compassion and love the same way I do. Your book opened my heart to this fact and taught me that my husband, Steve, does love me and has compassion, he just shows it in a different way than I do. Your description of how a man “makes up” was powerful—and God being who He is has illustrated that very description within hours of my reading it. 

Steve had just gotten off the phone with his brother and was a bit preoccupied and I was in a playful mood. He wasn't very receptive of my playfulness and I got hurt. But instead of verbalizing it I simply stopped being playful and laid on his lap quietly. A few minutes later Steve lifted me up off his lap and kissed me and told me he loved me—he was making up (my heart melted, the hurt vanished!!). Had this happened prior to reading your book I would have verbalized my hurt, possibly causing him to withdraw and that in turn would cause me to hurt more (the “cycle”). I find that I now rule out that Steve is doing or not doing something with the purpose of hurting me. Ruling this out brings the communication to a whole new level. I don't go into a conversation with that ridiculous preconceived idea of why he did or did not do something.

Some wives live forty years disappointed with their husband, who never intended to be hurtful. In essence, they were fighting a battle their spouse didn’t even know they were having. It doesn’t mean her hurt and disappointment are not understandable, even justifiable. But was her husband actually trying to hurt her? Or was she hurt and all revved up, while he was oblivious to it all, believing everything to be hunky dory?  

Interestingly, one of the most common refrains I hear from wives whose husbands are feeling disrespected is, "I did not intend to be disrespectful, but he heard it that way." So, is she disrespectful or not? Because he felt she was disrespectful, was she? Can he be hurt, angry, and disappointed, and because he was hurt, we can conclude that she's a hurtful person? 

Most of these wives I hear from believe that though their husband felt disrespected, he needed to give her some grace since she did not intend to be disrespectful. Fair enough. More grace all around would make any relationship better. After all, if the perfect, all-knowing Creator of the universe can extend each of us grace despite our daily sins, who are we to not offer grace to those who disappoint us? 

But can the wife asking for grace from her husband who is feeling disrespected return the favor like the wife above who decided that she would not claim her husband was hurtful but give him the benefit of the doubt?

Oh how I love that she said, “I now rule out that Steve is doing or not doing something with the purpose of hurting me.” Yes! She married a goodwilled man, and that hasn’t changed. He is still goodwilled! Maybe he’s not always as attentive as she would like. He doesn’t always say the right thing, at just the right time. Perhaps he doesn’t help with the dishes like her dad did or share with her every detail about his day. Does that mean he is an awful, unloving person who is trying to hurt her? Of course not. He remains just as goodwilled toward her and their family as he vowed to be on their wedding day.

Too many wives have made themselves judge and jury based on a misinterpretation of their husbands. They go to battle against an unwitting enemy who has no idea that she was hurt by something he did or said. That doesn’t mean he wasn’t wrong. Yes, he will still mess up, as will she. But when we assume goodwill and are intentional to extend grace—even when the spouse who unintentionally hurt us doesn’t even know that grace is needing to be given—as the wife above said, doing so “brings the communication to a whole new level.” 

If you would only assume goodwill in all situations with your spouse, what battles might you be able to avoid?