A Look Inside: Why She Feels She Is Right and He Is Wrong

“Not wrong, just different.”

These four words illustrate much of what I’ve talked about for over twenty years now. In fact, many others have repeated them within their own marriages countless times as they notice the differences—both subtle and not-so-subtle—between them and their spouse.

“Not wrong, just different.”

For example, when a wife looks in her closet and says, “I have nothing to wear,” she means she has nothing new to wear. But when her husband says, “I have nothing to wear, he means he has nothing clean to wear. Not wrong, just different.

Or, she squeezes the toothpaste from the top of the tube and tosses it as soon as it gets difficult to squeeze anything out; he gropes the tube and manhandles it like he’s wringing out a sponge, but then carefully rolls it up at the end in an effort to get two or three more squeezes out of it. Not wrong, just different.

We laugh at these differences because they are real yet harmless. But what about when we raise the stakes to another level? Consider a couple whose teenage son worked hard all semester and studied for a week to ace a final exam so that he could finish the semester with an A. When the test is more difficult than he expected and he ends with a B, he is crushed. His mom hurts for him, gives him a tearful hug, and offers to cook his favorite dinner that night. But her husband says without emotion, “A B is better than most grades I ever got when I was your age. Let’s not make this more than it is. It’s just a test. Not the end of the world.”

Ladies, I wonder, are you still saying, “Not wrong, just different”?

You wouldn’t be alone if you’re not. Why is that?

The truth is, though they may agree in principle to a great deal about “not wrong, just different,” when it comes to many issues, including those of emotion like the one above, many wives feel they are right and their husbands are wrong.

Most women do not want to feel this way, but they do. Why do they feel this way, though? Why can they not get around thinking, “I just know I’m right on this and he is wrong”?

For starters, God designed women as nurturing and caring individuals. It is next to impossible for her not to care. If her son hurts, she hurts with him. If a friend’s dad dies suddenly, her mind is now occupied with ways to care for her friend. Even if one of the moms from the PTA she doesn’t get along with shares a crisis going on in her home, she preheats the oven for the casserole she plans to bring her. This is who she is, who God designed her as a woman. Is she “right” to feel and behave this way? Of course!

However, with her deep care and sensitivity to human feelings and needs, she notices that her husband is less attentive and responsive than she is. He didn’t hug their son after the news of the disappointing grade. He didn’t bat an eye when the PTA mom shared her unfortunate news over the group chat. He’s not glad it happened, of course, but he’s not sure how it affects him. He’s also well aware of their tight budget and the increased prices at the grocery store. Is he “right” to keep a single school grade in perspective? Is he “right” that their tight grocery budget doesn’t allow room to make meals for everyone in their life who has a bad week? Yes, I believe he is.

Over time, though, she does not see her husband as “not wrong, just different.” Instead, she concludes that her husband is less caring and sensitive than she is, and therefore he is wrong. She wishes he were more cognizant of what people feel, especially with how he hurts the feelings of others, primarily herself and the kids. Why doesn’t he hug our son when he sees that he’s hurting? she wonders. Why is he not as sympathetic as I am? How can he just move on so coldly like that? 

As the years pass, this perspective is reinforced in her. She does not relish the idea that she is more caring since as a wife she has no interest in looking down on her husband, but how can she as a woman not feel as though she is a better person than he is, given the facts she sees? She feels she is smarter when it comes to seeing what matters about people and their feelings. 

She does not like the conclusion she makes, which is that she is a better and smarter person than her husband. She wishes he was the better and more intelligent one, and she would give anything for him to lead her spiritually. She prefers to adore him as she did when first dating and married, but that seems like a faint memory.

Not wrong, just different? No, not here. Not anymore. She has convinced herself that as the more caring and nurturing one, she is the right one, and that his colder, more distant, less emotional approach is wrong. How can it not be?

It is here that the real danger comes. For if she is right in these issues of care and nurture whereas her husband is wrong, then she begins telling herself she is right and he is wrong in their other differences. She wants to homeschool their children but he would prefer to send them to private school? She is right and he is wrong, she now tells herself. She wants to spend the tax refund on updating their kitchen but he would prefer they go away somewhere nicer for their summer vacation, not just the cheap beach trip they usually do? She is right and he is wrong. She thinks they need to visit her parents for Christmas but he would prefer to stay home since he’s been working so much? She is right and he is wrong.

And he’s left wondering what happened to the days of laughing about “not wrong, just different.” How did he all of a sudden become “wrong” every time he had a different opinion, reaction, or idea than his wife?