A Kernel of Truth Does Not Justify the Unloving Gut-Punch

In my book Speak Your Mind, I offer a four-point checklist that everything we communicate should be. Whether we’re talking to our spouse, our children, our boss, or the bank teller, we should ask ourselves, “Is that which I’m about to communicate: 1) true? 2) kind? 3) necessary, and 4) clear? 

If we can only check off one, two, or even three of these, we should bite our tongue and reevaluate what we’re trying to communicate, why we’re trying to communicate it, and how we’re attempting to communicate it.

How we communicate that which we do is extremely important. In Ephesians 4:15, the apostle Paul is clear about “speaking the truth in love.” That is why simply checking off “true” is not enough when communicating to another, especially our spouse. In addition to “necessary” and “clear,” the communication must also be “kind,” or said another way, spoken in love.

Might it be true that he leaves his dirty laundry on the bathroom floor almost every day? Could it be a truthful statement to say that she continually takes her mom’s side over his? Perhaps. However, though many times there may be a kernel of truth in the criticism we make toward our spouse, when we deliver the content with an attitude that kicks the wind out of our spouse, the criticism is not received. 

This is why God calls us to speak the truth in love. Though speaking the truth in love is no guarantee a spouse will hear us, truth without love sounds hostile and contemptuous. Few spouses will receive the criticism, and those who do have more class than we do. It is true that love without truth sanctions falsehoods. For this reason, truthfulness is vital. But truth without love punishes people with the truth and pushes people away from the truth.

If you don’t believe me, consider the following two lists of statements. Men, I predict that if in the past you have said any of the following unloving things toward your wife, though you may have been speaking at least partial truth, you observed her spirit deflating. This is because your truth was not spoken in love, but was in fact extremely unloving.

Top Unloving Things Husbands Say to Their Wives:

• “How can I be sorry if I didn’t do anything wrong?”
• “I’m doing fine, and I don’t need your help.”
• “Why would you order that to eat? That will not help you lose weight.”
• “I’m not talking to you right now!”
• “Why are you so illogical and emotional?”
• “I should have married _________. I bet she’d appreciate me.”
• “You used to be so pretty. What happened?”
• “You can be such a nag, you know that?”
• “Yeah, but you . . . but you . . . but you . . . but you . . .”
• “Do I do anything right?”
• “If you were a godly Christian wife, you would obey God’s Word when it comes to sex!”

Wives, I also predict that if in the past you have said any of the following disrespectful things toward your husband, though you may have been speaking at least partial truth, you observed his spirit deflating. This is because your truth was not spoken in love, but was in fact extremely unloving and disrespectful.

Top Disrespectful Things Wives Say to their Husbands:

• “The problem is YOU DON’T THINK!”
• “You never say ‘I’m sorry’!”
• “You’re impossible to get to know!”
• “Why can’t you protect me like Jenny’s husband does for her?”
• “How come you never talk about things I care about?”
• “Why do you keep asking for sex? You know I’m not feeling well!”
• “When we first got married, you were such a weakling. I’m not sure much has changed.”
• “You never . . .”
• “You always . . .”
• “Why don’t you earn more money?”
• “Didn’t you see that? You’re so blind!”
• “Sex? Are you kidding? Hah! What did you do to deserve that?”

Again, if you are guilty of saying anything like the above, though you may have been just trying to be honest, you were also extremely unloving. Maybe you could check off “true,” and even “clear.” And yes, oftentimes having a conversation about many of these is “necessary” (e.g., sex, household duties, finances, feeling disrespected). However, while going three for four may be an amazing day in baseball, in marriage it can be gut-wrenching.