My Parents’ Marriage 

The message behind the Win-Win concept is personal for me. Sadly, I do not recall one time while living under my parents’ roof where my mom and dad found a win-win solution. I would never have said about their marriage, “Where he and she agree, ‘That works for me!’” 

I remember many marital conflicts in our home while growing up. As I now know, these were mostly gray-area conflicts revolving around personal preferences that differed. Neither were morally wrong for what they preferred; they were just honest differences. Should they buy furniture or not? Should they buy a new car or not? Should they buy a dance studio or not? Should they send me to military school or not?

I am confident there were many decisions where they found agreement. For instance, we built a large swimming pool and taught swimming. I recall that being an exciting venture in which Dad took care of all the maintenance while Mom and my older sister taught swimming. Dad was pretty happy with that arrangement, as was my mom, because it made good money for us as a blue-collar family. And it also paid for my sister’s college education. But I have no recollection of my parents seated at the kitchen table proposing and counter proposing ideas to achieve a win-win that made both of them happy. I did not ever see them attempting to work as a team. Instead, Dad would get angry and Mom would leave for several hours. Apparently, Dad ended up doing his thing and Mom did her thing. They lived separate lives. 

In those early years, whenever conflicts arose, they were rarely on the same page. Instead of coming together as a team with the same mission, most often, they seemed to avoid each other until the conflict required them to go one way or another. At that point, either Dad got his way through intimidation and anger, or Mom got her way by doing things behind Dad’s back. But a win-win was not even attempted.

Even making large household expenditures was done without seeking the other’s input. My mom taught acrobatics and tap dancing, so she had her own resources and believed she could make decisions about what to buy without consulting Dad. I also recall Dad buying a Lincoln Continental and overhearing Mom fume, “He bought this for me to drive, but here I am driving this old Studebaker.” Subsequently, I think she went out and bought a new Ford convertible. Again, I never recall them sitting around the kitchen table trying to figure out win-win solutions.

When conflicts arose, that I could tell ignited negative emotion in both, I have no memory of a single calm discussion about options wherein both said, “I have your best interest at heart, as well as mine. We are a team. We can figure this out.” I never heard that type of language or observed them even attempting this dance. Instead, I only remember the yelling and anger, such as the time when my mom bought bedroom furniture apart from Dad’s knowledge and he went into a rage. Because she had made this decision behind his back, he felt excluded, distrusted, and dishonored, and at a weak moment he lost it. I still vividly remember standing outside by our swimming pool watching him push a new chest of drawers out the front door and down the concrete steps descending to the pool area. 

I also never saw them sleeping in the same bed. Nor did I see them embracing or snuggling. There was no affection. Of course, as a young boy, I knew nothing different, so I didn’t give it any thought. But I later realized this symbolized their lack of oneness as marital lovers.  

Now as an adult, as I go back in my mind’s eye and reflect on how my parents handled the six challenges, I clearly recognize that Dad did not fully understand my mom’s needs and vulnerabilities. And, Mom did not fully discern Dad’s concerns and susceptibilities. Ironically, as I replay various scenes as an adult, I can see that both expected the other to decode their need and then satisfy what they lacked and longed for. But the other did not decipher the need. Furthermore, I conjecture that if they ever did tell the other about this need, the other heard it as a criticism and complaint, not a request for help. I doubt they ever humbled themselves enough to confess, “I need what only you can give to me. I need your strength and support.” I suppose both felt themselves to be the victim, and rarely the victimizer. Consequently, they did not do a good job of meeting each other halfway in a cycle of reciprocity. They just reacted to the tiff, then withdrew and did their own thing. 

As a young boy, I could sense that they were missing each other, but I assumed that’s what adults did. Frequently, I watched Dad get frustrated, then angry, and then loud. At this, Mom would go quiet and mumble in the other room, she herself being hurt and upset. I knew they should get along, but as a kid, I had no awareness of marital solutions to these dynamics. I did not know what I did not know. That was just the way things were for them. Even so, this undercurrent of strain and unease bothered me.  

Dad didn’t have principles in place as rules of engagement to guide them when stalemating. He moved quickly to the emotional boiling point of 212 degrees. He did not have the knowledge and skill to act on foundational principles that enabled win-win solutions. 

This left Mom feeling hugely unloved. Like most unloved wives, she reacted negatively out of hurt by displaying disrespect toward Dad. Instead of Dad decoding that Mom felt unloved by his harshness and anger, he took up offense at the point of her disrespectful reaction. They entered what I call the Crazy Cycle: without love, she reacts without respect, and without respect, he reacts without love. They entered this cycle regularly, which made it difficult to find agreement since neither was in a good mood to sit down and find resolutions that satisfied both. 

As the years continued to roll by, I could see the disappointment that both had in the other for not meeting their expectations. It was as though each was sending a message to the other, “Please change! Don’t you know if you change how happy that would make my life and our life together? Don’t you realize that if you meet my needs, I will want to meet your expectations?”

It appears to me they never heard each other. It was as though two people with goodwill had earplugs on. They saw the lips of the other moving but never heard the words. They were two deaf people screaming at the other about their pain.

One of the things that I realized later in life is that my dad would get angry primarily because of his own insecurities and perception that Mom did not respect him. Though Mom was cool, calm, and collected, nonetheless she was vulnerable to Dad’s rejection, anger, and lack of love. This explains why they avoided each other. Dad did not want to hurt Mom, and Mom didn’t want to be hurt. Both had essential goodwill. It was as though they were two porcupines trying to kiss but ended up dislodging quills into the heart of the other. The safer approach, they both decided, was to keep their distance.

At the same time, Dad would fix dinner each evening because he loved to cook. He was a hard worker inside and outside the home. Mom was extremely diligent as well, both with her swimming classes and acrobatics and tap dancing. Later she started a daycare center to put me through military school.

But when Dad lost his job, this put them in a position to do life differently and better.

Part of the reason the insecurities were present in my mom and dad is that they never learned how to center on God’s view and value of them. None of us had a personal relationship with Christ during these times of marital struggle for my parents. At least, not until I came to Christ at age sixteen, and then when my parents, sister, and brother-in-law came to Christ beginning in my freshman year at Wheaton College. Only then did we begin to change.

Until then, Christ was not part of their life, so they looked to the other to make them feel good about themselves. Like many couples, they sought to derive their identity from a spouse. They were clueless about bringing their identity in Christ to the marriage. When that didn’t happen, they tried to find happiness away from one another. 

However, overwhelming adversity can awaken one to the realization that little is working in the marriage. Part of the misfortune was the loss of employment for my dad. This job loss got his attention. Who was he? What was he doing, and why? And my mom struggled with the same issues. Circumstances were such that both opened their hearts to the message of God’s love and Christ’s death on the cross. It was only then, after my sister and I had both grown and moved out of the house, that they turned a corner on their marriage and their purpose in life. 

Years later, I can’t help but contrast the marriage of my mom and dad with the marriage that Sarah and I have had since 1973. Because of our family upbringing, and the godly-wise people who modeled and messaged the principles of this the win-win message , we sought to compensate. We had an inner determination to do marriage differently.

My Marriage with Sarah 

Before Sarah and I married, we watched other couples, both those who did marriage well and those who did relationships poorly. For instance, in Sarah's extended family there are over twenty divorces. We gained wisdom for our marriage by observing their lack of knowledge and skill to seek win-win. 

We could see firsthand that men and women had needs that the other gender didn’t seem to grasp. We observed husbands failing to simply listen to the concerns in the hearts of their wives. It seemed as though these men viewed her need to be “heard” as invalid. Consequently, some of these wives lived with chronic heartache from the feeling that they did not matter. Oftentimes, this resulted in wives bad-mouthing their husbands behind their backs to other folks to solicit empathy. When the husbands learned of this, they became angry and distrustful. 

Sarah and I duly noted these mistakes in others and sought to learn from them for the sake of our own marriage and family. 

When it came to the six mutual benefits of the win-win message, we accepted that each of us would have different needs and vulnerabilities. It was never easy when we communicated to the other that we felt dissatisfied because the other was neglecting us. But we didn’t stay defensive and angry. Though it felt like an attack or a statement that we were a failure, we hung in there on the conversation to resolve things as best we could. Sarah would voice to me that I failed again to do X, Y, or Z. At those times, I really had to work hard at listening, but I knew this was crucial, even though when she leveled the criticism and complaint against me, I did not feel fond feelings of love and affection. But I knew if I stayed engaged, she’d find peace and would be grateful that I listened to her. But not a few times, I wanted to cry out, “Stop the planet. I want to get off.” This was especially so when it seemed once a month there was a really negative venting, and I felt like I could never be good enough and that there was not much that she viewed as good in the marriage. 

Sarah also testifies that she discerned her womanly rhythms and prepared for that time of the month to better control her negative emotions during these vulnerable times that only she as the woman experienced. In creating a calendar that monitored her cycles, she recognized that a period was coming in which she would feel compelled to criticize and complain about anything that upset her. Though she knew that her feelings were real, she guarded against excesses. She sought to refrain from exclaiming, “You always….” or “You never…” She recognized that overstating the case to make her point caused me to go quiet and withdraw. 

A verse that really helped me was 1 Peter 3:7, which calls me as a husband to live with Sarah in an understanding way since she is a woman, and thus she is vulnerable to me especially when I fail to hear her heart. But we also talked about both of us having needs and vulnerabilities based on our different genders, upbringings, spiritual giftings, personalities, and temperaments. Though we did not categorize these as sharply as we do now, we stumbled into them with a degree of understanding that enabled us to refrain from judging the other as wrong for what they felt. We weren’t geniuses at unpacking these dimensions, but we had enough intelligence to recognize how these areas contributed to our defensive reactions and marital expectations.

Though these areas required conversations that were not always pleasant, both of us made it our aim to give each other the benefit of the doubt instead of yelling, “Quit being so hypersensitive, childish, and insecure!” 

We have sought to find win-win agreements about how to satisfy each other mutually. We have never really felt this compelling desire to get our own way, though we want different things throughout the year. Both of us locked into the idea that our agreement would make us happier than if one of us did not get his or her own way. 

We learned that we would need to find yes-yes, as a result of honest and humble discussions, about the frequency of sex, the emotional connection between us, the way to parent, the management of resources, the balance between our devotion to Christ and each other, and the endless list of differing preferences! But we made a decision early on to assume the other had goodwill and that we’d give the other the benefit of the doubt.

But we also knew these discussions would generate heated fellowship as we surfaced our shortcomings. Talks about where we fall short are rarely inviting or comfortable. But we worked as a team since we were confident God would give us wisdom in finding meaningful solutions. We had learned from godly-wise believers that it was okay to honor the other’s self-interests and needs while making a case for our own. We were taught that it was a privilege to meet the other’s needs since, in some areas, we were the only ones who could meet these needs. For instance, who else could and should meet their marital needs for sex and emotional connection? The conversations had a more positive tone since I alone could meet some of Sarah’s needs, and she alone could meet some of my needs. We tried to frame the dialogue that way. We needed each other.

We knew disappointments in each other were bound to arise. We observed this in our family of origins. For instance, as I referenced, neither of us can meet the other’s needs perfectly. Some needs would be unmet at various times and various levels. Furthermore, there would be honest differences of opinion about how best to meet those needs, primarily when each’s needs competed with the other. For instance, it was not out of line for one to prefer to be sexually intimate on a particular night, while the other did not. Or for one to wish to talk about their hurt feelings, and the other person requesting them to drop it and move on as it was no big deal. That did not prevent us from turning moody and pouting, but those did not last into the next day. We had been forewarned about differing expectations and that there would be moments when we’d have to discuss and resolve the differences. This is what God expected. 

Of course, we moved toward each other halfway, so to speak. We did not try to drag the other to go 100 percent our way. Sure, we might not connect on any given night, but that was never a pattern, so the one who sacrificed never felt this would be permanent. At the same time, we had a sense of what was reasonable in the expectation. We did not believe in depriving the other, but neither did we believe we could push the other beyond what the other considered healthy boundaries.

As a couple, we were grateful for the warning that disappointments over disagreements were inevitable. But we were also told in no uncertain terms to avoid using the “D” word (divorce) as a way of coercing the other to give them what they wanted. Of course, we had seen the danger of that firsthand in our families. We learned from Scripture that apart from adultery, there were no irreconcilable differences, and even then, forgiveness and reconciliation should be pursued. For this reason, we were not to allow our pink and blue differences in the gray areas of the marriage to escalate to black and white issues. For example, when one of us likes one type of home furnishing and the other likes another, a fight must not ensue and escalate to, "You are wrong!" As Christ-followers we knew the difference between a biblical or moral absolute and just differences in opinions.

During these disagreements and disappointments, we knew from watching others that we needed to focus on the positives, not just the negatives. For example, when arguing, we gained insight on the idea of reminding each other that we were allies, not enemies. We learned to reiterate that both of us had goodwill. We instinctively knew it was taboo to look at the other as though they were our enemy, though we proved capable of such looks every once in a while. Coming out of those heated exchanges was not natural or automatic, but since 1973, we have been able to let our emotions settle and then find some reasonable agreement on how to meet the other’s expectations, until the next week when something would arise to cause us to revisit the process again.

Early in our walk with Christ, we learned about our identity in Christ apart from each other. Though we have disappointed the other, this has not taken us under. In fact, the disappointed one doesn’t look upon the other more negatively than the Lord does (except possibly at the beginning of the flare-up when we feel our criticism represents the voice of God!). We have always tried to center on God's view and value of each other. We don’t feel comfortable doing what so many do when they make such damning comments to one another. There isn’t any point to this.

In our faith journey with Christ, we decided that we must bring our identity in Christ to the marriage, not derive our identity from the marriage. That, though, is an ongoing process. We latched onto that biblical truth early in our marriage. Though we disappoint each other, we do not see the other as worthless, nor do we feel worthless. We have been bought with a price, the blood of Christ. Truly, this makes us priceless, though we won’t feel that way throughout the week. This truth has helped us not give into insecurities that lead to fear and meltdowns. Because of our sense of self-worth based on God’s image of us in Christ, we pull away from begging, screaming, and wailing. Such conduct would lack the peace and dignity that we have in Christ and with Christ in us. Yes, if Sarah slams my finger in the car door, I am not a pleasant person. I have my issues.

Finally, we saw in Scripture, and from the many couples we have met, that hardships could come unexpectedly. We could have a sick child, lose a job, or have an accident. During such adversity, our faith would be tested. Would we be like Job, who trusted God, or like Job's wife, who told Job to curse God and die? The hope would be that no such misfortune would come to us, but if it did, would we trust in the Lord’s love, power, and purpose? As we observed couples who suffered and came through victorious as a couple, we noted that before their hardship, they worked at meeting each other’s needs, responding to their vulnerabilities, finding win-win solutions, and centering on God’s view of them. When the misfortune hit, they did not falter. We, too, wanted to be that kind of team. 

As I reflect, perhaps the most foundational truth that kept moving us forward in looking for positive remedies was our belief that God called us to be part of something bigger than our marriage. We believed God called us to serve His purposes. Nine times in 1 Corinthians 7 Paul told the believers that God called them. Sarah and I did not know that passage then like we do now, but we did believe in God’s call on us as individuals and as a couple. This provided us with an underlying confidence that our challenges would pass—until next time! This conviction motivated us to hang in there in the daily irritations. Encouragingly, we tasted of the Lord’s kindness as we observe Him use us in such a way that we knew He was there and for us. This lifted our spirits and dispensed new energy to keep moving forward as a team. 

If I Could Go Back in Time, What Would I Say to My Parents?

In putting this material together, I wondered what it would be like if I could be transported back in time to coach and counsel my parents.

What would I say to my mom and dad if I could speak to them when they were thirty-five years old? What if I could tell them what I discovered about God’s revelation on how to do marriage His way—given they both believed in the Lord at that time period?

How I wish I could say to them, “You have a little boy who needs you to have a little ‘know-how’ on marriage so that you can experience a win-win. He may be wetting the bed, even at age eleven, because he is nervous about your ongoing arguments that never end well. In several years, you may be tempted to send him to military school because of the ongoing, unresolved marital conflicts that will take a toll on him. What is best for him, though, is for you to be a team in front of him. For instance, he needs to see you talking at the kitchen table about a conflict and then hearing, ‘I like that idea. That works for me.’” 

With great excitement, I would share with my mother and father what God reveals about His intentions for them to experience mutual benefits, or win-win results, in their marriage. He does not wish that any of us feel chronically dissatisfied or unprotected. He does not favor toxic disagreements. It is not His will that a husband and wife routinely feel unappreciated, insignificant, and without purpose. 

Of course, I know that one or both of my parents may have hesitated or had concerns about attempting a win-win marriage. They could feel as someone else did recently who said to me after learning of these principles, “Great, these six are certain to be used by my spouse to point out where I am not responding as well as I could. They will complain that they have needs that I am not meeting, I always disagree with them, or I am a disappointment. They will throw these in my face.”

Or they could feel like another, who said to me, “I have suppressed addressing these issues for fear if I do surface them, the worst will happen. I guess that’s why I don’t buy a plot of ground at a cemetery. If I do, it is a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I will soon die. If I talk about the challenges, the challenges will get worse.”

But are these or any other concerns reason enough for my parents, or Sarah and me, or anyone else, to not try and live out the type of marriage God intended for us? Just because my mom and dad, and hopefully most others, were in love when first married did not mean these challenges would be a breeze to manage. Much of this won’t be easy street! But is it worthy to pursue? Is it worthy to do our part in trust and obedience toward Christ because we love and reverence Him? In my book Love & Respect, I call that the Rewarded Cycle. Even if my spouse doesn’t do their part, the Lord rewards me for doing my part. At the end of the day, I cannot control the outcomes in Sarah. I can only control my action and reactions to Sarah. I know that if even one of my parents had acted on this teaching, my upbringing would have been far different. 

Regarding the six different challenges and their respective benefits when achieving win-win, I have thought often how I would answer my parents’ likely questions:  

“What do I do when my spouse has a need that I do not have, and yet I am the only one who can meet that need in them?” Mom or Dad, you seek to meet the need because your obedience to the Lord pleases the Lord. 

“What do I do when my spouse has a vulnerability due to me not meeting their need and they could be tempted by Satan due to their lack of self-control?” Mom or Dad, this is a serious spiritual issue, not just a weakness in the other. Because you love Christ and take seriously the reality of Satan, you do your part “as to the Lord” and protect the other. 

“What do I do when my spouse has an honest disagreement with me and we are stalemated yet a decision must be made?” Mom or Dad, there is nothing new under the sun. There is almost always a creative alternative or third option. I can say this: if the two of you are stalemated, begin by asking God for wisdom on the matter. Rarely does He withhold wisdom from two people who are trying to do what is right and follow His way, not just be right and get their own way.

“What do I do when I am disappointed in my spouse’s shortcomings and have to deal with unmet expectations?” Mom or Dad, I get the sorrow. All of us have shortcomings. But to fixate on the flaw and refuse to look at God’s view of our spouse, plus their basic goodwill and strengths, will undermine addressing the disappointment in a reasonable manner. We will demonize the other to motivate them to meet our expectations, and that won’t work. 

“What do I do when I feel insecure because my spouse is disappointed in me and it is affecting my self-image as a person?” Mom or Dad, this is when we turn to Christ. His image of us must be our image of ourselves. Though we must remain teachable in working on our flaws, the other person doesn’t determine our worth. Jesus Christ died in our place, shedding His priceless blood for us, which makes us priceless to God. Paul states we are saints by calling and are blameless. If the Bible didn’t say this, we wouldn’t make this up. We are actually fellow heirs with Christ. Everything Jesus receives throughout eternity, we receive. This revelation must control our marital insecurities. Our spouse may reject us, but Jesus never does. 

“What do I do when I have a hardship apart from the marriage yet this misfortune is taking a toll on the marriage?” Mom or Dad, this is a moment in which you must decide whether you will be like Job or Job’s wife. Job trusted God and did not sin even though he lost everything including his health. Job’s wife told him to curse God and die, which reflected her attitude. 

Unfortunately, I cannot go back in time to have these conversations with my parents. Though I am eternally grateful that they did both eventually come to a saving relationship with Christ, and I know I will see them again in heaven, I am still saddened that they did not experience the type of win-win marriage I know God had planned for them when He created them and brought them together as young adults. 

But my parents’ experiences do not have to be yours! That is why I am so grateful you are reading this right now. All that I wish I could go back and tell my parents, I am sharing here with you!

Win-Win Couples will learn how to come up with an agreed-upon plan that enables them year after year to:

• meet the other’s “must-haves,” leading to mutual satisfaction (this course).
• have the other’s back, leading to mutual protection.
• get to yes-yes, leading to mutual agreement.
• see the other’s value to God, leading to mutual appreciation. 
• know their own worth to God, leading to mutual personal significance.
• find God’s calling, leading to mutual purpose.

Despite the differing his and her needs, vulnerabilities, disagreements, disappointments, insecurities, and hardships, in a Win-Win Marriage, he and she can agree, “That works for me!”

Are you ready to listen to something new and different?