Intro Material
A Note from Emerson
At our wedding ceremonies, most of us made vows to each other along the lines of promising to “love… honor… comfort… for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death."
These vows we made are reciprocity at its purest, made between two people who reflect a shared conviction and commitment. A husband and wife dedicated to such a commitment is what I call the Win-Win Couple.
But who among us does this perfectly? The truth is, all couples on the planet must revisit how to navigate marital challenges that shift on us over time. We need to remind ourselves of what we know to do but have been remiss in doing because of distresses and distractions.
First Corinthians 7 is what I believe to be the most detailed and practical chapter on marriage in the New Testament. In it, Paul addresses six challenges that are unavoidable in marriage. Every couple will experience needs, vulnerabilities, disagreements, disappointments, insecurities, and hardships. However, the Scriptures also teach us how God intends us to navigate these challenges as husband and wife and how as a result we can find mutual satisfaction from our needs, mutual protection from our vulnerabilities, mutual agreement from our disagreements, mutual appreciation from our disappointments, mutual significance from our insecurities, and mutual purpose from our hardships.
In the Win-Win Marriage Series, we will be informed and inspired about the husband-and-wife relationship as God intends. We will see the six challenges and benefits Paul weaves throughout 1 Corinthians 7 and how these six dimensions reflect what God reveals about marriage throughout the Bible.
Would you join me in learning how you can have a Win-Win Marriage?
A Few Notes Before Beginning
- The Win-Win Marriage series is not intended for couples in crisis. If you are dealing with adultery, abuse, and/or abandonment, then we strongly encourage you to seek third-party help from godly, wise men and women who will come alongside you and help you through your time of crisis. This series is intended to help the average, everyday couple who are confident in their love and commitment toward each other but need a little knowledge and skill in working through “the little foxes that are ruining the vineyards” (Song of Solomon 2:15).
- The teachings and challenges that will be given in the Win-Win Marriage series are given under the assumption of goodwill. When Paul wrote his letter to the Corinthians, which serves as the scriptural basis for this series, he assumed he was writing to goodwilled, Christ-following husbands and wives who, though struggling with a variety of marital challenges, did not intend to manipulate, deceive, or hurt each other in order to get what they wanted. They genuinely sought out “win-win.” We are assuming the same with you and your spouse.
- We recognize that not all conflicts come in the same size, even when there is no adultery, abuse, or abandonment. Having different opinions on where to eat Saturday night is not on the same level as disagreeing on how to educate your kids, which is not the same as the emotions and stress that arise when one spouse is suddenly unemployed. As you go through this series, we will be asking you to choose a current minor conflict you are having or have had recently so as to apply together a six-step process for finding win-win. It is important that you choose a minor conflict. We do not want World War III to erupt unnecessarily as you are learning the skills and know-how to find win-win. But if you learn how to successfully apply these skills to a minor conflict, you will be better prepared to apply them when the next major conflict rears its ugly head. But we need to start small!
How to Go Through Each Session
Note: This study is intended to be experienced as a couple, at a pace of your choosing, not as a small group study that meets for a predetermined amount of time on a set day or days of the week. This is so you can take the necessary time to read the chapter thoroughly—multiple times if you so choose—and are not rushed as you answer the personal questions and find the right time to discuss together. While there is no predetermined guideline or schedule for when and where to go through each session, there is still an important order each part of the session is to be completed in.
- Begin by reading the assigned chapter for the session. It is important that both spouses read the entire chapter.
- Complete the “On Your Own” questions for the session. Both spouses should fully and honestly answer these questions.
- Together watch the 90-minute video from Emerson. We know that it can be difficult to set aside an hour and a half of undistracted time. But that is the benefit of a self-paced study—you get to make the schedule that works best for you. We recommend scheduling this time well in advance and committing to it, scheduling all other activities for the day around this sacred time together.
- If able, discuss the final set of questions together at the conclusion of the video. Occasionally it may work better to come back together the next day to discuss. You might even decide to have a date night at a quiet coffee shop to discuss the questions. But do not wait more than a day or two to reconvene and finish the session.
- Finally, don’t skip over the “Special Assignment”! We’ll introduce it at the end of Session 1 and work on it throughout the series. This is where the rubber meets the road in our venture to finding win-win. At the end of our time, I will be asking you to email me a written report of how you did.
Are you ready to find win-win with your spouse? Let’s begin!
Will You Be a House Divided or a House United?
Intro
There is quite a bit of reading in this step and the next. Take your time, use a notebook to take notes. Then there will be time for reflection and then you will watch the first video of this course.
If you prefer a download of Session 1 written material, here it is. But all course written material is available directly in the course.
Let's Begin!
In the gospel of Mark, Jesus gave the interrogating Pharisees a most perfectly succinct summary statement about the married: “The two shall become one” (10:8).
However, the tension arises between a husband and wife when they try to decide which one of the two they shall become!
Though we may laugh, this is no small matter. Because when a husband and wife are not united but continually quarrel—in essence, trying to work through which “one” they will become—they can splinter the marriage and family. And this brings us to another word from Jesus, which while not addressed toward marriage specifically is still extremely applicable: “If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand” (Mark 3:25).
The Vision of a Win-Win Marriage
No one wants this. Not the husband. Not the wife. And not the children.
Alternatively, if we asked one hundred couples if they would like to experience within their marriage: 1) mutual satisfaction, 2) mutual protection, 3) mutual agreement, 4) mutual appreciation, 5) mutual significance, and 6) mutual purpose, how many do you think would give a hearty “Absolutely! Sign me up for that!”? Certainly, we would hope every single one of them would happily admit to seeking that. Wouldn’t you?
Learning how to achieve these six benefits, extracted from 1 Corinthians 7, is what the win-win message is all about. First Corinthians 7:1-40 is the longest, most detailed, and most practical section in the New Testament on marriage. In fact, of the thirty times the word “marriage” is used in the New Testament, nine of those usages are in 1 Corinthians 7. Clearly there must be teachings in this single chapter that the married believer should pay attention to!
Throughout this first Win-Win course and the ones to follow, my hope is that you will learn how God has joined you and your spouse together so that you can experience these six benefits as a couple. I believe wholeheartedly that God plans for you to experience what I call a Win-Win Marriage!
But here’s the thing about achieving a win: doing so implies there is a challenge. Consider what it takes for any sports team to gain a win. First, a game must be played. And then within that game, there must be a challenger. There must be a defense trying to stop you, an offense trying to score against you, and a coach whose main focus is on keeping you from gaining a victory.
Overcoming Challenges in Marriage
Put simply, in order to achieve a win, there must first be a challenge to overcome.
And so is the case in a Win-Win Marriage. For a husband and wife to experience these six benefits, there are naturally going to be challenges to overcome first. And this leads us to some surprisingly good news.
Amazingly and wonderfully, God designs some marital trouble that need not lead to division. That profound realization is what is at the heart of what the apostle Paul was addressing in 1 Corinthians 7:28 when he wrote, "But if you do marry, you have not sinned [in doing so]... Yet those [who marry] will have troubles (special challenges) in this life" (AMP).
All married couples have special challenges, which means that not all marital trouble is bad. Take a moment to reread that last sentence and dwell on it a bit, if you must: not all marital trouble is bad! Does this blow your mind as it did mine when God first revealed it to me? In fact, let’s take it even a step further: oftentimes, when such trouble arises, we are in the center of His will, not outside His will. Thus, since Jesus said that “the two shall become one,” as husband and wife we can proceed through this trouble with confidence that there is a better solution that fulfills both of us!
When my wife, Sarah, and I encounter these special challenges that come to us in our married state, we remind ourselves that there is nothing wrong with us. (At least not for those reasons!) And, we remind ourselves that God is purposing something through this conflict or trouble for our benefit.
Six Challenges and Their Transformative Benefits
As we study together 1 Corinthians 7, we will discover six challenges that every married couple will experience. Within every marriage, the husband and wife will be faced with: 1) his and her differing needs, 2) his and her differing vulnerabilities, 3) his and her disagreements, 4) his and her disappointments, 5) his and her insecurities, and 6) his and her hardships. If a husband and wife team does not address these challenges with the goal of win-win in mind, then:
- Unmet needs can lead to dissatisfaction, not mutual satisfaction, since we tell the other that they ought not to have that need because we do not have that need, not like they claim to have and which they require us to meet.
- Ongoing vulnerabilities can lead to feeling unprotected instead of mutual protection since, again, we tell our spouse to be like us. We don't have that temptation, susceptibility, weakness, or vulnerability, so neither should they.
- Disagreements can lead to escalating flare-ups instead of the mutual agreement since we keep fighting until our spouse gives in. We take the stance, "My way or the highway." After all, we know we are right.
- Disappointments can lead to disillusionment with a spouse because of their shortcomings rather than revisiting God’s view and value of our spouse that feeds an appreciation of them while addressing our unmet expectations.
- Insecurities can lead to a sense of worthlessness when our spouse is disappointed in us, instead of us revisiting God's view and value of us as an individual and realizing again our personal significance in Christ.
- Hardships can lead to a sense of meaninglessness when our suffering causes us to call God into question instead of hearing God's call and finding His purpose in our condition.
You and I must not let these challenges discourage and defeat us, but instead let God use these to bring about mutual and beautiful benefits. In 1 Corinthians 7, we discover the direction God decrees for every husband and wife who desires a win-win marriage.
- Mutual satisfaction from his and her needs
- Mutual protection from his and her vulnerabilities
- Mutual agreement from his and her disagreements
- Mutual appreciation from his and her disappointments
- Mutual significance from his and her insecurities
- Mutual purpose from his and her hardships
Biblical Keys to a Win-Win Marriage
A Brief Introduction to 1 Corinthians 7:1-40
When studying this significant chapter from the apostle Paul, the reader does not readily see what Paul writes about marriage between two believers since he weaves in and out about those married "in the Lord" (7:39). He first talks to married believers but then strikes other themes: celibacy, marriage to an unbeliever, divorce, conditions confronting believers, singleness, and widowhood. The comments to two married believers might get lost unless we lift them out and study them. There is not a straight line where readers can make simple, direct conclusions.
But weaved throughout Paul’s letter to the church in Corinth, we find the biblical keys to achieving a Win-Win Marriage. In 1 Corinthians 7:1-40, the apostle Paul puts legs to this idea of win-win between two married believers, specifically in these sections, which we will dive deeper into in the pages to come: 7:1-5; 7:7, 9; 7:10-11; 7:17, 20, 24; 7:25-34; 7:39.
When these sections of Scripture are highlighted and connected, we detect how God planned for two married believers to experience mutual benefits. A title for this content, the six concepts, encapsulates what I believe is the heart of the message: The Win-Win Marriage: Where He and She Agree, "That Works for Me!"
As we are reading and discussing this chapter, you will notice how Paul wrote it with a seesaw approach. We might say he volleyed back and forth in an equal fashion. There is an undeniable rhythm in every verse about mutual benefits that give birth to a Win-Win Marriage.
In each verse, where the husband has a right to be benefited, the wife has an equal right to be benefited. Or, where the wife has a responsibility to benefit her husband, the husband has an equal responsibility to benefit his wife. Things are equal.
When God calls the husband to do X, He also calls the wife to do X in equal fashion. When God reveals to the wife to be Y, He also reveals to the husband to be Y in equal fashion. When God intends for a man to receive Z, He also intends for a woman to receive Z in equal fashion.
Back and forth. Notice such language in these verses.
- “Each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband.” (7:2)
- “The husband must fulfill his [marital] duty to his wife [with good will and kindness], and likewise the wife to her husband.” (7:3 AMP)
- “The wife's body does not belong only to her. It also belongs to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong only to him. It also belongs to his wife.” (7:4 NIrV)
- “But one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife,... one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband.” (7:33-34)
- “In the Lord, neither is woman independent of man, nor is man independent of woman.” (11:11)
Why does Paul go back and forth? Though the husband and wife are not the same—since he sees through a “blue hue” and she will “think pink,” as a woman emailed me—Paul reveals that God intends for every husband and wife to contribute equally in the marriage. As various challenges arise, they equally or mutually pursue beneficial solutions. They experience the Win-Win Marriage, where he and she agree, “That works for me!” Pink and blue work together to find a purple solution.
Unfortunately, some want the benefits without the challenges. When the challenges exceed their threshold of acceptability, they derail. They get off track in their marriage because they do not know how to turn the challenges into benefits. They do not know how to create a bridge from the challenge to the benefit! They instinctively know they should be experiencing the benefits but also feel their challenges prevent their happiness. They claim the challenges are the obstacles to the Win-Win Marriage instead of the stepping-stones!
You and I must not let challenges discourage and defeat us but let God use these to bring about mutual and beautiful benefits.
In 1 Corinthians 7:1-40, we discover the direction God decrees for every husband and wife who desires a Win-Win Marriage. This is the journey I want to take you on.
In order to help you see the overview of how the salient scriptures in 1 Corinthians 7 created the six dimensions for the Win-Win Marriage, I have highlighted some of these here. We will go in depth on these, but for now please note how the six themes are weaved into chapter seven.
- From needs, finding mutual satisfaction—1 Corinthians 7:2. A man is to have a wife and a woman is to have a husband. Why? We need each other. Without the gift of celibacy, God calls us to be married and to kindly meet or satisfy each other’s emotional and sexual needs. Beyond the bedroom, we have the privilege of caring for and pleasing the other as it pertains to daily needs (7:33-34).
- From vulnerabilities, finding mutual protection—1 Corinthians 7:5. When our needs go regularly unmet, Paul refers to this as deprivation. He tells us that Satan uses this deprivation to tempt us due to the lack of self-control. Obviously, deprivation leaves us vulnerable sexually and emotionally. Thus, God calls each of us to protect the other, to have the other’s back. It is a duty of honor to take care of the other (7:4,33,34) as daily responsibilities and needs submerge us.
- From disagreements, finding mutual agreement—1 Corinthians 7:4-5. A husband and wife have equal authority in the bedroom. Because of this, both have final say! But who decides? God requires them to find mutual agreement about their needs, desires, and vulnerabilities. They need to find agreement on how to be emotionally and sexually intimate, and how to find win-win in pleasing each other beyond the bedroom.
- From disappointments, finding mutual appreciation—1 Corinthians 7:10-11. Over time, a spouse can feel their needs and vulnerabilities have been ignored and might entertain the idea of leaving. However, because there was no adultery (the basis for divorce according to Jesus), two options existed: remain unmarried or be reconciled. If a spouse did not have the gift of celibacy, we infer that Paul favored reconciliation. Thus, they needed to revisit and appreciate that the other was not trying to be unconcerned nor displeasing but had goodwill (7:33-34). This more positive view enabled them to address the unmet expectations related to their emotional, sexual, and social concerns without condemnation. Aiming at reconciliation, Paul assumed they would, because they could, find win-win solutions moving forward.
- From insecurities, finding mutual significance—1 Corinthians 7:10-11. Because one spouse was disappointed enough to leave, this caused the other spouse to feel rejected and thus insecure as a person. This is implied in the text. Moving forward, the insecure one needed to find their significance in Christ, a major point Paul makes (6:20; 7:23). So, for example, as they wept over the feelings of being devalued by the rejection, they needed to weep lightly (7:30) since they were valued by Christ and secure in Him. Their significance was in Christ, not in their spouse nor in the world. If both felt insecure, both needed to find their deepest identity in Christ.
- From hardships, finding mutual purpose—1 Corinthians 7:26, 28. Paul recognized that there would be distresses outside of the marriage and troubles within the marriage. Though two people can love and respect each other, other factors will contribute to adversity, such as infertility, unemployment, or persecution. Nine times the apostle Paul references God’s call in 1 Corinthians 7. Together both needed to see God working all things together for good according to His purpose. They needed to trust Him in their condition (7:20, 24). God had “assigned” them as a team to a unique calling in spite of their condition and maybe because of their condition (7:17).
Conclusion
Are you beginning to see the six challenges and benefits that Paul weaves throughout his teaching on marriage to the Corinthian believers? In the content to come, we will expand on these and show elsewhere in Scripture where we find the biblical keys for a husband and wife to navigate as one through these challenges and achieve a Win-Win Marriage.
But before moving forward and beginning your journey to a Win-Win Marriage, would you pray this prayer with me? After all, Paul assumes we will always depend on the Lord. This is what he wrote to the Corinthians, and what we must all remember still today: “Devote yourselves to prayer” (7:5), “every man… praying” (11:4), and “every woman… praying” (11:5). Why? “That your faith would not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the power of God” (2:5)... “who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ” (15:57).
Lord, You know the challenges we encounter. You know that we prefer to be challenge-free. Yet, we are mature enough to know that marriage brings special challenges, and we have the potential of finding mutual benefits from the challenges based on 1 Corinthians 7. We humbly desire to align our hearts with Your revelation. Truly, there is no lemonade without lemons. From the challenges, the benefits spring. We ask for Your wisdom and strength to help us turn our challenges into benefits. Help us find remedies. Help us have the Win-Win Marriage where he and she agree, “That works for me!” Bring us, again and again, where we say as a couple, “We meet the other's need, causing mutual satisfaction. We have the other's back, causing mutual protection. We get to yes-yes, causing mutual agreement. We see the other’s value to You, causing mutual appreciation. We know our personal worth to You, causing mutual significance. And, we have found Your calling, causing mutual purpose.” In Jesus name, amen.
Are you ready to turn a house divided into a house united? I hope so. Now read about "Yes, Win-Win Is Possible!" by clicking through to the next step at the top.
Yes, Win-Win Is Possible!
I have no doubt that upon reading the course description or reading some of this intro material , any number of “special challenges” you have come across in your marriage entered your mind, leading you to immediately think, There’s no way my spouse and I could have found a win-win in [fill-in-the-blank]! There was only one reasonable conclusion, which was the one that I came to.
Let me be clear early on that I am addressing husbands and wives of goodwill, just as Paul was doing when he wrote his letter to the married believers in Corinth. In 1 Corinthians 7:33-34 Paul asserted that both are “concerned” to “please” the other. In other words, neither awaken early in the morning to storyboard ways to displease the other. In his teachings, Paul was addressing how to find win-win amidst the everyday, common struggles expected to be found within marriages of goodwilled believers in Christ. For example, how should they save, spend, and share their resources? How should they best parent their children? How often should they connect sexually and in conversations? How should they deal with misunderstandings and unmet expectations? How should they divide the duties between them inside and outside the home?
As people of basic goodwill, we will encounter honest differences due to gender, upbringing, spiritual gifting, temperament, and personality. Along the continuum of our common humanity, we will, at times, land on different ends of the continuum. Neither of us are morally wrong; we just have differing perspectives, preferences, and pressures at any given time. We are equal but not the same.
We are not addressing how to find win-win in issues of adultery, abuse, or other unethical and un-Christlike behaviors. We are not focusing on how a husband can continue his adultery while maintaining the marriage with his godly wife who he requests to go along happily with his betrayal of her in a sick perversion. That is morally wrong. That is wicked. We can all agree that issues such as these, though the reasons behind them may be complex, are black and white. God’s Word is clear: Adultery is wrong—always. There is no win-win here. In this instance the wife loses (Isaiah 54:6).
The primary frame of reference in this course concerns couples of goodwill who desire to find win-win solutions related to their gray-area differences. At the same time, when the sinful issues experienced by some couples are put behind them, because of sincere repentance and changes, this content will serve them in moving forward as God intends.
Let me add, the conflicts that arise from gray-area differences can be intense. These are no small concerns. The apostle Paul acknowledged this in 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, which speaks of a husband or wife leaving the relationship. The unmet expectation and disappointments resulted in a desire to exit. In emails, I have heard this comment countless times: “I wanted to leave.” However, though they could physically separate, they could not divorce. Paul placed conditions on this departure when he said a person who leaves must remain unmarried or be reconciled. Why? According to the “instructions” of Jesus there was no adultery and therefore no biblical grounds for divorce (Matthew 5:32; 19:9).
That said, the pain is real, so real Paul allowed for separation. But he urged reconciliation since when two people do not have the gift of celibacy, they need each other (1 Corinthians 7:7). This course is about how to go about finding win-win again as two people move back toward each other to reconcile. The hopeful note here is that God’s Word acknowledges the deep disappointments that can enter a marriage while revealing two people can find solutions related to the unmet expectations.
Did Paul tell us of a gray-area difference that challenges a husband and a wife? Yes, in 1 Corinthians 7 he addressed one serious concern: the issue of sex.
In 1 Corinthians 7:4, we learn that both husband and wife have equal “authority” about sexual and emotional intimacy in the bedroom. As Paul put it, “The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife” (NIV).
First, there is marital trouble because each has an equal and final say! Can you believe God would orchestrate equal authority in the bedroom? Think about it. Who decides in the bedroom? Does the husband decide they will have sex on Tuesday night after the kids have gone to bed and he and his wife finally have some alone time together to connect sexually? Or does the wife decide the best thing after a long day of carpools, sandwich making, and laundry is a book, blanket, and early bedtime? Sex, in her opinion, will have to wait until the weekend. Who decides? Of course, this cuts both ways. What if he is not in the mood for sex tonight but she is? What if he is needing to connect emotionally while she isn’t in a very talkative mood? Again, who decides? Paradoxically, the answer to all of these is: Yes!
Second, there is marital trouble because of differing preferences, sexual and emotional. For example, a husband might want to connect emotionally, but it comes after being sexually intimate for him. A wife might want to connect sexually, but for her, that comes from emotional intimacy. So do they connect emotionally or sexually first? Who decides? Once again, each has an equal and final say.
This pink and blue difference creates a special challenge. Again, though a husband and wife are equal, they are not the same. This means they can be at odds over honest differences about where to begin in the bedroom.
Though the husband and wife have equal authority to decide when to talk and when to have sex, God requires this discussion so that together they turn this special challenge into a mutual benefit. As Jesus taught, a husband and wife are to be one. Our Lord knows as a couple they can find such oneness in practical ways that benefit both equally. All married people must have confidence in this win-win result even though disheartened in the initial conversations. While addressing solutions that benefit both, each must have confidence God is for them.
God does all things with a good purpose. He calls a man and woman into a creative process to discover the best way for them to connect emotionally and sexually. The Lord expects both to use their equal authority so as to responsibly find a win-win solution. In fact, He does not even reveal as optional a win-lose or lose-lose approach, which sadly is what many couples have resorted to as the only way out of their conflict.
I highlighted this example here first because I believe that when a husband and wife get it right in the bedroom, they can get it right in parenting, spending, saving, or whatever else arises as a challenge to them. Any of these clashing preferences can be resolved based on win-win principles. We might say, the bedroom is the bedrock for all decisions outside the bedroom. Get it right in the bedroom, and more than likely, one can get it right anywhere.
Hollywood Agrees!
Unfortunately, Sarah and I have noticed some couples in conflict concluding that their pink and blue differences mean there must be something wrong with them and their marriages. Regrettably, they end up more upset over having troubles than over the trouble itself. This is because many have what I call a Hollywood, not a Holy Word, view of marriage. These couples expect a 99 percent trouble-free marriage, with the “happily ever after” that Hollywood loves to give us in all their Hallmark movies and big-screen rom-coms, rather than rolling with an 80/20 ratio where there is normal tension 20 percent of the time, so to speak. As a result, these couples see the discouraging obstacle as a sign of trouble, not as a disguised opportunity to achieve a divine objective. Learning to recognize these differences as opportunities for mutual benefit is what this course is all about.
For sure, all married folks wish no such tension would arise. I get that. Sarah and I don't enjoy resolving our differences that trigger trouble. But since God fashioned this from eternity past, He calls us to trust Him and relax when addressing some emotional or sexual concern. We try to relax because we know He is not in shock over our normal differences; therefore, neither should we be. This is part and parcel of married life.
Even the movie industry recognizes that married characters add a complexity layer that does not arise if the lead characters are a father and daughter. Not infrequently, in today's action-packed movies, the male hero is either divorced or even a widower, which leaves him having to rescue his daughter instead of his wife. Because the dynamics of a husband and wife require a significant amount of time, energy, and attention to be realistic to the viewer, including having many troubles that demand resolution. Therefore, in many film productions, the writers simplify things greatly by making the man unmarried.
The classic 1960s television series The Andy Griffith Show ran eight years with 249 episodes. But perhaps you never noticed something about the fictional town of Mayberry where the show took place. It was always restful, tranquil, and joyful. Could it be a coincidence that not one of the main characters in this always-peaceful town was married? Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, and Clara were all single. Only Otis married, and he got drunk and stayed in jail. Now compare this with shows centered around married couples, such as Everybody Loves Raymond, The King of Queens, and even The Honeymooners. The daily antics of those characters were anything but restful, tranquil, and joyful, am I right?
Marriage is the most intimate of relationships and thus can be the most intense and involved.
I had to laugh when I read this wife's comments about her marriage. “Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband. That's why I bought my husband his own copy of Women Are From Venus, Men Are Wrong.”
Humor aside, some don’t know how to resolve the tensions that inevitably arise in their marriage. A couple married over thirty years said to me, “It never entered our minds to find a win-win solution to our challenges. We did not know that we could find a win-win in our marriage. To this day, we just fight all the time until one of us gives in.” They confessed it wasn’t working.
I heard about another couple who had separate bedrooms, separate bathrooms, separate rooms in which they watched television, took separate vacations, had different work schedules, had separate friends, had different recreational interests, and had different bank accounts. Why? They were doing everything they could to keep their marriage together! (And they were serious!)
None of these couples are demonstrating the oneness to which Jesus referred. Though all couples know the two shall become one, indeed they fight over which one!
Take a Lesson from Your GPS, and Simply “Reroute”
The upside is that though the pink and blue differences are real and challenging, a husband and wife can discover the mutual advantages that God plans for them.
As odd as this statement sounds, when they find the win-win solution to their conflict, they are both happier as individuals from the mutual rewards they experience than if they had alone gotten their way.
Why do some couples not reap these benefits in a win-win manner? Many lack the skill and knowledge to get to Yes-Yes.
A person wrote, “Our marriage has been like white water rafting without paddles or direction. We would hit rock after rock and bounce around in this dangerous water like a pinball. It feels like we are in calm water and have found our paddles and can start rowing together in the same direction. My goal is to take up my paddle daily and do so respectfully. This has been the most eye-opening and heart-changing material that I’ve ever come across in all my studying.”
We need "know-how" to get us back on a peaceful course. Airplane pilots reroute at the front end of hitting turbulence. Similarly, we need not bounce around in our marriage when we can make a few adjustments and experience smoother flying. What a visual aid we have today with GPS. When we take a wrong turn, immediately GPS reroutes us. With an appropriate adjustment, we get back on the right path.
When a stalemate arises for the Win-Win Couple that requires a decision to move forward, this husband and wife know how to find a solution—rerouting—that both feel equally good about. They experience the unity that Christ intended when He said “the two shall become one.”
Is such unity feasible? Look no further than the opening passages of Paul’s first letter to the Corinthian church, which will be the scriptural basis for much of the win-win content. In chapter 1, he set forth the truth that all believers can and must “agree” by having “the same mind” and “the same judgment” (1:10). As well, Paul vehemently opposed "divisions" and "quarrels" (1:10, 11). So yes, with basic goodwill and a little know-how, two imperfect people can indeed "come together" in "agreement" in the bedroom (1 Corinthians 7:5) and beyond the bedroom. God intends this. A husband and wife need not experience a house divided against itself.
An Example of Win-Win
What can a couple do who have decided they want to stop being roommates or boxers in the ring? How can they stop the avoidance or volatility? First and foremost, they must believe they can find a win-win. Though their pink and blue preferences clash so strongly that it feels there can be no remedy, they must have the confidence that there is a solution before them. The key, though, is looking for an 80 percent victory, not the 100 percent you may think you need. Allow me to explain.
In the HGTV show Designing for the Sexes, with Michael Payne, he told of the couple he once worked with where the wife wanted all traditional furniture and the husband liked all contemporary. “So what I did with a couple of their rooms was: In one, while keeping in mind what I heard from her about what she liked, I would create a traditional interior that was mostly for her. Then, within that same room, I’d take a piece of contemporary furniture, place it in a very obvious space and spotlight it, making it the focal point of what was mostly a very traditional room. This furniture piece could be anything: a dresser, an armoire… you name it and it would work. Because I placed so much focus on the contemporary, it made the traditional look even more traditional, and the contemporary piece look even more contemporary.”
In the end, the wife relished her traditional even more because of the unique contrast with the contemporary. Her taste for traditional popped out by comparison. In the husband’s section of the house furnished in contemporary, the contrasting traditional elated him as well.
Payne proved here that not only is win-win feasible, but both were able to be happier with 80 percent of what they originally wanted than they would’ve been had one received 100 percent, due to the dynamic and beauty of contrast in the 80 percent. You might say this is another version of “less is more.” The same can be true in marital issues beyond home décor. More often than we can imagine, a husband and wife can find blended options that bring greater individual enjoyment than if one had gotten his or her own way.
When Scripture calls us to be of the same mind and same judgment (1 Corinthians 1:10), it isn’t calling both to have the same mind about traditional or both to have the same judgment about contemporary. Not at all. Tastes will differ. Unity does not mean uniformity. Instead, the same mind and same judgment apply to the solution about a win-win approach that respects and advances the differences so that both are pleased. Remember, variety is the spice of life! This course is about embracing that variety and using these differences to find win-win.
Before we embark on the first of the six challenges Paul discusses in 1 Corinthians 7, I’d like to first share a couple of real-life stories. If you are familiar with my books and conferences, you know that I love to use the testimonies of actual married couples to help illustrate principles. The truth is, achieving a Win-Win Marriage is so important to me because of one particular couple who did not seek these principles out. They were not dedicated to finding win-win. And their decisions had a gigantic impact on my life. Allow me to share with you the story of my parents’ marriage.
On Your Own
After reading “Will You Be a House Divided or a House United?” and “Yes! Win-Win Is Possible,” please take a few moments to fully and honestly answer the following questions in a notebook. Answer these separately before you watch the video.
- What statement or truth revealed in “Will You Be a House Divided or a House United?” most spoke to you? Why do you think that is?
- What statement or truth revealed in “Yes! Win-Win Is Possible” most spoke to you? Why do you think that is?
- Paul highlighted the issue of sex in 1 Corinthians 7 when saying that both husband and wife have equal say. Why is it so important to find win-win when it comes to physical and emotional intimacy? How can finding success in the bedroom help you achieve it in other areas of marriage?
Emerson references the Rules of Engagement in the videos. You will use these in doing your assignments.
Here's a download of the Rules of Engagement for you to store on your device or print.
Rules of Engagement
No name calling
Unless you want to get off topic to detract from the matter.
No D Word
Unless you wish to threaten divorce to ignite fear of abandonment.
No backbiting
Unless you wish to undermine their reputation.
No kitchen-sinking
Unless throwing in everything from the past shames them and sidetracks from the issue at hand.
No attacking an unrelated weak spot they are working on
Unless you wish to inflict excruciating pain because you like being cruel and off-topic.
No ambushing
Unless you wish to create shock and awe, and overwhelm them emotionally to start a huge fight.
No uproar in front of kids or public
Unless you are clueless to the toxic fallout from this social disgrace.
Dispassionately describe your feelings, don’t dramatically display them
Unless you are out of control emotionally.
Hone the tone to sound loving and respectful
Unless you are a hostile and contemptuous human being, and then good luck.
Take a time-out
Unless you wish to escalate the conflict to the point of irrationality.
Take a re-take or do a do-over
Unless you have convinced yourself the horse is out of the barn and it is impossible to retrace your steps and start again.
Discuss Together
Discuss and answer these questions together as a couple after watching the video.
1. Begin your discussion time together by each sharing one answer from the previous “On Your Own” section.
Important: If your spouse is uncomfortable sharing any answers at this time, do not press the issue. As well, do not hold expectations that your spouse will want to share his or her answer to the same question(s) you did. Consider this first question completely voluntary, and allow your spouse the freedom to share or not share any answers they wish.
2. Emerson wrote, “As people of basic goodwill, we will encounter honest differences due to gender, upbringing, spiritual gifting, temperament, and personality. Along the continuum of our common humanity, we will, at times, land on different ends of the continuum. Neither of us are morally wrong; we simply have differing perspectives, preferences, and pressures at any given time. We are equal but not the same.” We will go into greater detail concerning these honest differences in a later session. But for now, what are some honest (not wrong) differences between you and your spouse that jump out the most to you?
3. When considering the six benefits that can come about through the six specific challenges…
- Mutual satisfaction from his and her needs
- Mutual protection from his and her vulnerabilities
- Mutual agreement from his and her disagreements
- Mutual appreciation from his and her disappointments
- Mutual significance from his and her insecurities
- Mutual purpose from his and her hardships
… which one most excites you about discovering? Why?
4. One couple told Emerson, “It never entered our minds to find a win-win solution to our challenges. We did not know that we could find a win-win in our marriage. To this day, we just fight all the time until one of us gives in.” Though the conflict or disagreement may get solved in the short-term, why does this method not help in the long-term? When was a time that even though you got 100 percent of what you wanted, the inability to achieve win-win as a couple left you unhappy? Why is that?
Special Assignment
A key component of achieving a Win-Win Marriage is how a husband and wife view the challenges in their marriage. Instead of claiming the challenges are the obstacles to the Win-Win Marriage, Emerson says to view them as the stepping-stones. We want to help you transform obstacles into stepping-stones to win-win! To do this we want to start small, with a real-life minor challenge you are experiencing right now.
Turning a Minor Challenge into a Win-Win
As one reads through the reading assignments, a question arises quickly: “Emerson, how do we find win-win? Tell us!”
I appreciate the hunger to know. However, reading the material in its entirety is foundational to setting the stage for finding win-win. So, read the assigned chapters, one at a time, then answer and discuss the corresponding questions. The videos are equally important, for there is a plethora of unique information I share in them. They are not simply recaps of the reading material.
Having said this, I want to help you get started on the road to win-win right away. To do so, I have a six-step process to give you that can be applied to challenges and conflicts of all shapes and sizes. But we’re saving that information for Session 2. For now, I simply want you and your spouse to agree upon a minor conflict that you are willing to use as your guinea pig for the six-step process to finding win-win.
Important! Make sure you both agree about the minor conflict you wish to address. Oftentimes there is one spouse in particular who tends to drive the selection of this topic because there are numerous conflicts they want to resolve. They say, “This is what we are addressing because I am sick and tired of you leaving your stuff where I don’t want to see it. We need to find win-win so I can be happy!” That’s not someone seeking win-win; that’s a dictator. If this describes you, take a deep breath and be a win-win person in attitude. Get your spouse’s sign-off first. Make sure the minor conflict is something that both of you feel good about resolving at this time.
What are examples of minor conflicts where the two of you have differing preferences? Previous participants applied the six-step process to the following minor conflicts. Do any of them bring to mind a minor conflict in your marriage that you would like to address with my six-step process?
Sticky Notes:
“My wife and I chose the issue that I leave sticky notes for myself on our kitchen island, to remind myself to do things, and she would like to have the kitchen island clear of clutter and clear of any sticky notes. A challenge is if the sticky notes are hidden, such as in a drawer or file folder, if they are out of sight, they are out of mind, and I will forget to check them. This would be a logical solution, but it doesn't work for me."
What did they do? They applied the six steps and resolved the minor conflict.
Connecting versus Doing Tasks
She said, “During non-work hours . . . he needs to do tasks around the house, leaving me to feel overlooked.”
He said, “I have things only I can do. She can't or won't do some of these things, so it falls on my plate to do these things. So, yes, it's easy to fill up all sorts of time with tasks.”
What can a couple do in these instances? The key is to follow the six steps to find possible win-win solutions, and they came up with several.
Returning from Vacation
It's time to return home at the end of their vacation. But how will they drive home? He wants to take the scenic route, but she fears he will stop too many times to see places. She needs to get back to take care of things, like the garden and pies for the church potluck. However, both wish to enjoy the scenery driving home.
Based on the six-step process, they found a win-win that prevented a fight between them.
Where to Park the Van
“I want my husband to park his giant work van in the back, by the barn, so that I can get in and out of the garage quickly and so we do not continue to tear up the grass around the driveway. My husband wants to park in the front driveway so he doesn’t have to walk as far to the work van.”
Eventually, after working through the six-step process, they found a way forward.
Other ideas couples have landed on include:
- Whether or not to put boots on the dog
- Whether or not it’s time to buy new clothes
- Can’t agree on how to diet and lose weight together
- Keeping the kitchen sink clean
Are you ready? Again, all you need to do right now is agree upon a minor conflict that you’re willing to address during the duration of this series. If both of you have some ideas right now, then great! Start brainstorming. But if not, schedule a time in the very near future to meet back up and discuss your ideas.
When you’re ready, write down a few details about the minor conflict you have agreed to address. What is his side/argument? What is her side/argument? What are the pros and cons to both sides? Why do you think win-win has not been found yet?
YOU DID IT! SESSION 1 IS COMPLETE BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS RETURN TO THIS CONTENT. YOU ARE READY TO MOVE ON TO THE NEXT SESSION.