I have no doubt that upon reading the course description or reading some of this intro material , any number of “special challenges” you have come across in your marriage entered your mind, leading you to immediately think, There’s no way my spouse and I could have found a win-win in [fill-in-the-blank]! There was only one reasonable conclusion, which was the one that I came to.

Let me be clear early on that I am addressing husbands and wives of goodwill, just as Paul was doing when he wrote his letter to the married believers in Corinth. In 1 Corinthians 7:33-34 Paul asserted that both are “concerned” to “please” the other. In other words, neither awaken early in the morning to storyboard ways to displease the other. In his teachings, Paul was addressing how to find win-win amidst the everyday, common struggles expected to be found within marriages of goodwilled believers in Christ. For example, how should they save, spend, and share their resources? How should they best parent their children? How often should they connect sexually and in conversations? How should they deal with misunderstandings and unmet expectations? How should they divide the duties between them inside and outside the home?

As people of basic goodwill, we will encounter honest differences due to gender, upbringing, spiritual gifting, temperament, and personality. Along the continuum of our common humanity, we will, at times, land on different ends of the continuum. Neither of us are morally wrong; we just have differing perspectives, preferences, and pressures at any given time. We are equal but not the same.

We are not addressing how to find win-win in issues of adultery, abuse, or other unethical and un-Christlike behaviors. We are not focusing on how a husband can continue his adultery while maintaining the marriage with his godly wife who he requests to go along happily with his betrayal of her in a sick perversion. That is morally wrong. That is wicked.  We can all agree that issues such as these, though the reasons behind them may be complex, are black and white. God’s Word is clear: Adultery is wrong—always. There is no win-win here. In this instance the wife loses (Isaiah 54:6). 

The primary frame of reference in this course  concerns couples of goodwill who desire to find win-win solutions related to their gray-area differences. At the same time, when the sinful issues experienced by some couples are put behind them, because of sincere repentance and changes, this content  will serve them in moving forward as God intends.

Let me add, the conflicts that arise from gray-area differences can be intense. These are no small concerns. The apostle Paul acknowledged this in 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, which speaks of a husband or wife leaving the relationship. The unmet expectation and disappointments resulted in a desire to exit. In emails, I have heard this comment countless times: “I wanted to leave.” However, though they could physically separate, they could not divorce. Paul placed conditions on this departure when he said a person who leaves must remain unmarried or be reconciled. Why? According to the “instructions” of Jesus there was no adultery and therefore no biblical grounds for divorce (Matthew 5:32; 19:9). 

That said, the pain is real, so real Paul allowed for separation. But he urged reconciliation since when two people do not have the gift of celibacy, they need each other (1 Corinthians 7:7). This course  is about how to go about finding win-win again as two people move back toward each other to reconcile. The hopeful note here is that God’s Word acknowledges the deep disappointments that can enter a marriage while revealing two people can find solutions related to the unmet expectations.

Did Paul tell us of a gray-area difference that challenges a husband and a wife?  Yes, in 1 Corinthians 7 he addressed one serious concern: the issue of sex.  

In 1 Corinthians 7:4, we learn that both husband and wife have equal “authority” about sexual and emotional intimacy in the bedroom. As Paul put it, “The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife” (NIV). 

First, there is marital trouble because each has an equal and final say! Can you believe God would orchestrate equal authority in the bedroom? Think about it. Who decides in the bedroom? Does the husband decide they will have sex on Tuesday night after the kids have gone to bed and he and his wife finally have some alone time together to connect sexually? Or does the wife decide the best thing after a long day of carpools, sandwich making, and laundry is a book, blanket, and early bedtime? Sex, in her opinion, will have to wait until the weekend. Who decides? Of course, this cuts both ways. What if he is not in the mood for sex tonight but she is? What if he is needing to connect emotionally while she isn’t in a very talkative mood? Again, who decides? Paradoxically, the answer to all of these is: Yes! 

Second, there is marital trouble because of differing preferences, sexual and emotional. For example, a husband might want to connect emotionally, but it comes after being sexually intimate for him. A wife might want to connect sexually, but for her, that comes from emotional intimacy. So do they connect emotionally or sexually first? Who decides? Once again, each has an equal and final say.

This pink and blue difference creates a special challenge. Again, though a husband and wife are equal, they are not the same. This means they can be at odds over honest differences about where to begin in the bedroom. 

Though the husband and wife have equal authority to decide when to talk and when to have sex, God requires this discussion so that together they turn this special challenge into a mutual benefit. As Jesus taught, a husband and wife are to be one. Our Lord knows as a couple they can find such oneness in practical ways that benefit both equally. All married people must have confidence in this win-win result even though disheartened in the initial conversations. While addressing solutions that benefit both, each must have confidence God is for them.

God does all things with a good purpose. He calls a man and woman into a creative process to discover the best way for them to connect emotionally and sexually. The Lord expects both to use their equal authority so as to responsibly find a win-win solution. In fact, He does not even reveal as optional a win-lose or lose-lose approach, which sadly is what many couples have resorted to as the only way out of their conflict.

I highlighted this example here first because I believe that when a husband and wife get it right in the bedroom, they can get it right in parenting, spending, saving, or whatever else arises as a challenge to them. Any of these clashing preferences can be resolved based on win-win principles. We might say, the bedroom is the bedrock for all decisions outside the bedroom. Get it right in the bedroom, and more than likely, one can get it right anywhere.

Hollywood Agrees!

Unfortunately, Sarah and I have noticed some couples in conflict concluding that their pink and blue differences mean there must be something wrong with them and their marriages. Regrettably, they end up more upset over having troubles than over the trouble itself. This is because many have what I call a Hollywood, not a Holy Word, view of marriage. These couples expect a 99 percent trouble-free marriage, with the “happily ever after” that Hollywood loves to give us in all their Hallmark movies and big-screen rom-coms, rather than rolling with an 80/20 ratio where there is normal tension 20 percent of the time, so to speak. As a result, these couples see the discouraging obstacle as a sign of trouble, not as a disguised opportunity to achieve a divine objective. Learning to recognize these differences as opportunities for mutual benefit is what this course  is all about.

For sure, all married folks wish no such tension would arise. I get that. Sarah and I don't enjoy resolving our differences that trigger trouble. But since God fashioned this from eternity past, He calls us to trust Him and relax when addressing some emotional or sexual concern. We try to relax because we know He is not in shock over our normal differences; therefore, neither should we be. This is part and parcel of married life. 

Even the movie industry recognizes that married characters add a complexity layer that does not arise if the lead characters are a father and daughter. Not infrequently, in today's action-packed movies, the male hero is either divorced or even a widower, which leaves him having to rescue his daughter instead of his wife. Because the dynamics of a husband and wife require a significant amount of time, energy, and attention to be realistic to the viewer, including having many troubles that demand resolution. Therefore, in many film productions, the writers simplify things greatly by making the man unmarried. 

The classic 1960s television series The Andy Griffith Show ran eight years with 249 episodes. But perhaps you never noticed something about the fictional town of Mayberry where the show took place. It was always restful, tranquil, and joyful. Could it be a coincidence that not one of the main characters in this always-peaceful town was married? Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, and Clara were all single. Only Otis married, and he got drunk and stayed in jail. Now compare this with shows centered around married couples, such as Everybody Loves Raymond, The King of Queens, and even The Honeymooners. The daily antics of those characters were anything but restful, tranquil, and joyful, am I right?

Marriage is the most intimate of relationships and thus can be the most intense and involved. 

I had to laugh when I read this wife's comments about her marriage. “Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband. That's why I bought my husband his own copy of Women Are From Venus, Men Are Wrong.” 

Humor aside, some don’t know how to resolve the tensions that inevitably arise in their marriage. A couple married over thirty years said to me, “It never entered our minds to find a win-win solution to our challenges. We did not know that we could find a win-win in our marriage. To this day, we just fight all the time until one of us gives in.” They confessed it wasn’t working. 

I heard about another couple who had separate bedrooms, separate bathrooms, separate rooms in which they watched television, took separate vacations, had different work schedules, had separate friends, had different recreational interests, and had different bank accounts. Why? They were doing everything they could to keep their marriage together! (And they were serious!)

None of these couples are demonstrating the oneness to which Jesus referred. Though all couples know the two shall become one, indeed they fight over which one!

Take a Lesson from Your GPS, and Simply “Reroute” 

The upside is that though the pink and blue differences are real and challenging, a husband and wife can discover the mutual advantages that God plans for them. 

As odd as this statement sounds, when they find the win-win solution to their conflict, they are both happier as individuals from the mutual rewards they experience than if they had alone gotten their way. 

Why do some couples not reap these benefits in a win-win manner? Many lack the skill and knowledge to get to Yes-Yes. 

A person wrote, “Our marriage has been like white water rafting without paddles or direction. We would hit rock after rock and bounce around in this dangerous water like a pinball. It feels like we are in calm water and have found our paddles and can start rowing together in the same direction. My goal is to take up my paddle daily and do so respectfully. This has been the most eye-opening and heart-changing material that I’ve ever come across in all my studying.” 

We need "know-how" to get us back on a peaceful course. Airplane pilots reroute at the front end of hitting turbulence. Similarly, we need not bounce around in our marriage when we can make a few adjustments and experience smoother flying. What a visual aid we have today with GPS. When we take a wrong turn, immediately GPS reroutes us. With an appropriate adjustment, we get back on the right path. 

When a stalemate arises for the Win-Win Couple that requires a decision to move forward, this husband and wife know how to find a solution—rerouting—that both feel equally good about. They experience the unity that Christ intended when He said “the two shall become one.”

Is such unity feasible? Look no further than the opening passages of Paul’s first letter to the Corinthian church, which will be the scriptural basis for much of the win-win content. In chapter 1, he set forth the truth that all believers can and must “agree” by having “the same mind” and “the same judgment” (1:10). As well, Paul vehemently opposed "divisions" and "quarrels" (1:10, 11). So yes, with basic goodwill and a little know-how, two imperfect people can indeed "come together" in "agreement" in the bedroom (1 Corinthians 7:5) and beyond the bedroom. God intends this. A husband and wife need not experience a house divided against itself.

An Example of Win-Win

What can a couple do who have decided they want to stop being roommates or boxers in the ring? How can they stop the avoidance or volatility? First and foremost, they must believe they can find a win-win. Though their pink and blue preferences clash so strongly that it feels there can be no remedy, they must have the confidence that there is a solution before them. The key, though, is looking for an 80 percent victory, not the 100 percent you may think you need. Allow me to explain.

In the HGTV show Designing for the Sexes, with Michael Payne, he told of the couple he once worked with where the wife wanted all traditional furniture and the husband liked all contemporary. “So what I did with a couple of their rooms was: In one, while keeping in mind what I heard from her about what she liked, I would create a traditional interior that was mostly for her. Then, within that same room, I’d take a piece of contemporary furniture, place it in a very obvious space and spotlight it, making it the focal point of what was mostly a very traditional room. This furniture piece could be anything: a dresser, an armoire… you name it and it would work. Because I placed so much focus on the contemporary, it made the traditional look even more traditional, and the contemporary piece look even more contemporary.”

In the end, the wife relished her traditional even more because of the unique contrast with the contemporary. Her taste for traditional popped out by comparison. In the husband’s section of the house furnished in contemporary, the contrasting traditional elated him as well. 

Payne proved here that not only is win-win feasible, but both were able to be happier with 80 percent of what they originally wanted than they would’ve been had one received 100 percent, due to the dynamic and beauty of contrast in the 80 percent. You might say this is another version of “less is more.” The same can be true in marital issues beyond home décor. More often than we can imagine, a husband and wife can find blended options that bring greater individual enjoyment than if one had gotten his or her own way.

When Scripture calls us to be of the same mind and same judgment (1 Corinthians 1:10), it isn’t calling both to have the same mind about traditional or both to have the same judgment about contemporary. Not at all. Tastes will differ. Unity does not mean uniformity. Instead, the same mind and same judgment apply to the solution about a win-win approach that respects and advances the differences so that both are pleased. Remember, variety is the spice of life! This course  is about embracing that variety and using these differences to find win-win.

Before we embark on the first of the six challenges Paul discusses in 1 Corinthians 7, I’d like to first share a couple of real-life stories. If you are familiar with my books and conferences, you know that I love to use the testimonies of actual married couples to help illustrate principles. The truth is, achieving a Win-Win Marriage is so important to me because of one particular couple who did not seek these principles out. They were not dedicated to finding win-win. And their decisions had a gigantic impact on my life. Allow me to share with you the story of my parents’ marriage.