The Love and Respect Devotional

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Your words reveal your heart.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.