Motivating Your Man God's Way: Discover One Word that Energizes Him to Love

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?