Motivating Your Man God's Way: Discover One Word that Energizes Him to Love

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Your words reveal your heart.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

We are equal but we are not the same.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.