Love and Respect for a Lifetime

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.