The Illumination Project Journal (Download)

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.