The Illumination Project Journal (Download)

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

We are equal but we are not the same.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Your words reveal your heart.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.