The Illumination Project Journal (Download)

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.