The Illumination Project Journal (Download)

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

We are equal but we are not the same.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.