The Illumination Project Journal (Download)

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

We are equal but we are not the same.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?