The Illumination Project Journal (Download)

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.